While he continued his aimless wandering through the street, Tuomas drank the vodka he had bought, the alcohol keeping the cold of the night away; he didn’t pay attention where he went, and after he had halfway emptied the bottle, he didn’t care what other people thought about him anymore either. He started humming to himself, ignoring the strange looks the few people that passed him gave him; he was so caught up in his little world of being drunk that he didn’t notice how the stream of people passing him got more, all of them walking past him. Some of them stared at him openly, whispering to each other as he passed them by and hummed Tarjas song to himself; he never noticed any of that, letting his feet carry wherever they wanted to carry him, not realizing how close he was to the brink of changing his life completely.

Letting out a sigh, Tarja leaned back into the comfortable chair that had been put up in the backstage extra for her, carefully balancing her cup of tea on her upper leg while she rested her head on the backrest of the chair and closed her eyes. The concert had tired her out, almost as much as the shows in the past had; she knew that she should get up and make her way into the hotel to have a nice warm shower and some sleep there before the tour would continue in the next day, but on the other hand, the chair was just too comfortable. Another sigh freed itself from her throat before she brought up the cup of tea and took a careful sip of it; it was still quite hot, and she didn’t want to burn herself. “You okay?” The voice of one of her roadies, the guy responsible for her microphones, tore her out of her thoughts, and she raised her head to look at him before she smiled slightly. “Yes. Just tired”, she then muttered, taking another sip from the tea afterwards. “We should get you back to the hotel then”, the roadie smiled back while he stored away the cables that came with her mics, closing the bag afterwards. Tarja nodded, then let her head fall back on the backrest of the chair again. “Yes, but not now… Just a few more minutes”, she then mumbled, making the roadie shrug and nod before he came to his feet and walked away, out of sight. Closing her eyes again, Tarja listened to the faint noises of her roadies cleaning everything up while she moved her tense arms up and down, suddenly wishing for someone to pop up and give her a massage. A small smile appeared on her face when she remembered how Emppu often had massaged her back and shoulders after concerts during the time she had been with Nightwish, and how Tuomas always had watched this…  Her heart seemed to cramp up, and she swallowed heavily. No. Don’t think about him. Not now, not never… She forced herself to push the thoughts about the keyboarder aside, not wanting to think about his wonderful blue eyes anymore, about the hidden messages he had written to her in his songs… For a moment, she thought she had imagined his voice, then her eyes snapped open as she realized it hadn’t been imagination. His voice was outside, fully there, reality, and he was… singing. At least he seemed to try; to Tarja, it sounded more like yelling, and she could tell immediately he wasn’t fully sober from the sound of his voice. “Yooouuu wooouuuuld haaaavee looooved thiiiis!” He seemed to be screaming this on top of his lungs outside, since she could hear him in the safety of her backstage room; after sitting there dumbstruck for a few more seconds, Tarja suddenly jumped up, the tea cup falling down to the ground and shattering there, the remaining tea spilling over the ground unnoticed. Tarja ignored the puddle of tea seeping into the carpet, ignored the fact that she was still in her red stage dress; she just ran, her high heels clicking on the ground as she rushed out to the stage and through the audience area, to the front entrance where Tuomas’ voice could be heard the most. “Yoooouuu’vee aaaalwaayyys loooooo-“ His mixture of singing and yelling got interrupted by the harsh voice of one of the security guys, clearly annoyed. “Hey! Shut up, you drunkard! People are trying to sleep around here!” “Lemme alone you fool!” Tuomas gave back, his voice slurred, his words followed by the sound of glass breaking. Suddenly scared, Tarja sped up even more, pushing the door that led outside open moments later, facing a scene she never would have expected. Crawling around on his knees between shards of glass, Tuomas seemed to be looking for something, still mumbling the words of her song; she could tell how drunk he was from just looking at him being this way, and it pained her to the bottom of her heart. “Tuomas…” Her soft whisper was over toned by the security guy yelling at Tuomas to get lost; the tall man couldn’t see her, since he stood with his back to her and faced the keyboarder, but Tarja gained his attention. “It’s okay, Harri”, she softly spoke, making him turn around in surprise while Tuomas looked up as well, his eyes going wide. The security guy forgotten, Tarja walked over to Tuomas and stopped in front of him, looking down at him; he remained in his kneeling position, staring up at her for a bit longer before he looked down again. “That nashty guy broke my vodka”, he muttered, Tarja now realizing the sharp alcoholic smell that rose from the puddle on the ground and grimacing. “Get up”, she then spoke to the keyboarder, “you’ll cut yourself otherwise…” He ignored her, continuing his mourning over the vodka – until he leaned his hand heavily on one of the shards, a yelp of pain escaping him. “See?” Tarja sighed out, crouching down to pull him up. “You’re such a fool when you’re drunk, Tuomas…” Tuomas muttered something ineligible in reply, and this time, it was Tarja who ignored him, since she just pulled him to his feet with a surprising amount of strength. “I want my vodka!” Tuomas wailed while he let Tarja pull him up, obviously trying to find comfort in his alcohol now that he suddenly was facing her. “And I want you to get inside, or you’ll kill yourself”, Tarja gave back, ignoring his wailing. “For God’s sake Tuomas, it’s below zero and you’re not even wearing a jacket! Did you lose your mind?” “Lemme be”, Tuomas muttered in reply, allowing it though that Tarja led him into the concert hall and over to the backstage area where she made him sit down on the chair she had been using just a few minutes earlier. “Yeah, yeah”, Tarja muttered, not really taking him seriously. “Sit down here, and don’t wander off! Just sit here, okay?” “Okay…” Tuomas mumbled, hanging himself into the chair. Tarja sighed, shook her head and walked off, trying to find some clean water and a cloth she could use to clean the cut in his hand. Since she didn’t want to leave him alone for too long, she decided to use one of her soda bottles for the cleaning; a cloth was found quickly, and she was relieved to see him still sitting there when she returned. She knelt down in front of him and unscrewed the lid of the water bottle, then carefully poured some of it on the cloth she had brought before she took his hand gently. “This might hurt a bit”, she warned, even though she doubted he would notice it anyway. He didn’t react to her words, only watched how she carefully moved the cloth over the cut, cleaning it as gently as possible. While she did so, she noticed a dried trail of blood on his forearm; she frowned, and before he could stop her, she had pushed his sleeve up, exposing the older wounds and the fresh cut he had inflicted on himself. Her eyes widened, and her movements froze before she looked up at him shocked. “Did you… do this to yourself?” Shrugging, Tuomas looked away and down on the ground, making her let go of his hand and grab his chin, forcing him to look at her again. “Tell me! Did you do this?” “Yes”, Tuomas finally muttered, making Tarja stare at him for a moment with anger in her eyes – before her gaze softened, just like her voice did when she asked: “Why?” Shrugging again, Tuomas pulled his sleeve back down, not trying to keep her from doing it though when she pushed the other one up, exposing the healing cuts on his other arm. She stifled a sigh, gently running her finger down his arm, her touch making him shiver momentarily. “Why are you doing this?” she repeated, looking up at him again. He sighed and shrugged once more, even though he held her gaze this time. “I don’t know. To make the pain stop”, he then muttered, his voice still slurred. Shaking her head, Tarja came to her feet again. “Stop that”, she softly spoke to him, placing a warm hand on his shoulder. “It’s not good for you…” “Why would you care?” he snapped in reply, causing her to pull back her hand and look at him silently for a moment. “Just stop it”, she finally added after a few more moments of silence, then stepped back. “Come on, get up. I’ll ask my driver to stop at your home before we go to the hotel.” “Okay”, Tuomas muttered, coming up from the chair, swaying dangerously for a moment. Just when Tarja wanted to reach out and grab him to make sure he wouldn’t fall over, he stabilized himself and moved the sleeve Tarja had pushed up back down. Tarja was almost relieved when the wounds vanished out of sight; she didn’t comment about them anymore though, just waited until he was ready to leave before she walked him to the backdoor of the venue. The bus already stood waiting; Tarja made Tuomas climb into it before she told her driver he should make a stop at Tuomas’ home, making the long-haired man nod. “Wheresh your bodyguard?” Tuomas slurred while the singer made him sit down on one of the seats, causing her to raise an eyebrow at him. “Who?” she then asked, even though she knew very well what he was talking about. “Your bodyguard”, Tuomas repeated. “Marshello.” “He’s not here”, Tarja gave back, not wanting to tell him more – but he didn’t seem willing to give up so easily. “Where ish he?” he demanded to know, causing the singer to sigh. “Not here, okay? Just don’t ask…” Tuomas looked at her for a moment, then sighed and let himself fall back into the seat, closing his eyes. Shaking her head, Tarja sat down behind him, looking out of the window while the bus drove off, the only sound being the soft and constant humming of the engine.

“Wait here”, Tarja mumbled to her driver only fifteen minutes later, making the long haired man nod slightly. “I’ll just get him to his apartment.” With those words, she turned to Tuomas again, taking a firm hold of his upper arm. “Come on”, she sighed out when he didn’t move, “you have to get into bed…” Tuomas let out a groan in reply, but then rose from the seat, swaying dangerously again. Tarja tightened her grip on his arm, wrapping her other arm around his waist to keep him steady; holding him like this, she moved him out of the bus and over to the front door of the apartment house he lived in. She dragged him over to the elevator and pushed him into it, holding back a sigh; this reminded her of too many nights he had been like this on tour, and of too many hotel halls she had pulled him through on tour. She forced those thoughts aside when the elevator doors opened and pushed Tuomas into it, keeping him steady until they had reached the floor where his apartment was located. Slowly, Tarja moved over to his apartment with him, fumbling his key out of the pocket of his jeans when she realized he wouldn’t be able to do that anymore; he almost was asleep by now, hanging in her arms with his eyes halfway closed. Sighing heavily now, Tarja pushed the door open once she had unlocked it and dragged him into the apartment; she leaned him against the wall and took off his boots before she guided him to the bedroom, making him lie down on the bed there. “Don’t expect me to undress you”, she muttered, the only reply she earned being a tired snoring sound, followed by a slurred “Why not?”. Tarja glared at him, something he didn’t see, and made the mistake to ask “Why should I?” To her shock, Tuomas suddenly sat up and hugged her, muttering “Love you…” to her – and trying to kiss her afterwards. After a moment of shock, Tarja pushed him back, giving him another glare. “You’re drunk.” She then stated. “What are you talking about? Just sleep…” “But I… do love you…” Tuomas muttered, his eyes already falling close. Shaking her hand, Tarja sat down on the bed and looked at him for a while; when she was sure he was asleep, she got up and left the room, carefully closing the door behind herself.

In the next morning, Tuomas woke up with the usual hangover he always experienced after his vodka nights; he groaned and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. His head was spinning, and his stomach was queasy; to make things even worse, he felt more than ashamed, knowing he had wandered to the concert hall where Tarja had been playing, singing loudly… His eyes snapped open, his view blackened though since he still had his face buried in the pillow. His heart started to race when he remembered he hadn’t just wandered to the venue, but had met Tarja, had talked to her… and that she had taken him here. Quickly, he sat up, regretting the fast movement when his head started to spin, hope filling his heart when he called out “Tarja?” There was no response, and his heart sank. He knew how unlike it was that she had spent the night here, with him as drunk and stupid as he had been; still he had been hoping that maybe… He stifled a sigh and shook his head, getting out of the bed slowly. He rubbed his head while he walked over into the kitchen, eager to get himself some coffee; he needed that after all the vodka last night. When he reached the kitchen, the white envelope that had been put on his fridge with one of the magnets he kept for such thing caught his attention immediately, after all, it hadn’t been there the night before. Curiously, he made his way to the fridge and removed the envelope from it; he sat down on the kitchen table before he opened it and pulled out a folded piece of paper, as well as something that looked like a ticket. Frowning, Tuomas unfolded the paper, immediately recognizing Tarjas handwriting before he even had started to read.

“Tuomas,

I hope you slept well and aren’t too hung-over. If you feel like going out tonight, I left you a ticket for my next concert, as well as a backstage pass. It’d be nice to meet you there.

Tarja

PS: Come sober!”

He smiled weakly at the PS she had left, then let out a sigh and put the note on the kitchen table. It wasn’t written in the most loving way, much to his dismay; he wondered why she only had called him “Tuomas”, without adding something like “Dear” or at least a friendly “Hello”. “Well, at least she wrote it’d be nice to meet me there… At least she wrote anything at all without just vanishing.” He mumbled to himself, picking up the backstage pass and looking at it. After a while of considering if he should go there or not, he made his decision; he dropped the ticket on the kitchen table and got up to finally prepare himself some coffee, not looking at the coloured piece of paper once more.

The applause that greeted Tarja was surprisingly loud, accompanied by some whistles and a few people yelling her name; it wasn’t exactly the best behaviour for a Christmas concert, but Tarja didn’t mind, she smiled brightly at the crowd while she let her eyes wander, hoping no one would notice it. Her smile faded a bit when she spotted a few known faces in the crowd, but not the one she had been looking for; still she kept searching for his face while she walked to the front of the stage, stopping there and finally stopping her glancing. He’s not here… I should’ve known he wouldn’t come… She forced those thoughts aside when the first notes of her first song came up, concentrating fully on her voice and the lyrics she had to sing; she managed not to think of Tuomas anymore during her songs, even though her heart ached after every piece she finished and couldn’t spot him again, her mind circling around the question if she had made a fool of herself when she had left him the note and the ticket.

The last notes of the last song faded away, and for a moment, Tarja thought she would lose the fight against her tears. She had hoped during the whole concert he would show up, the childish and naïve part of her hoping that he would be there and hug her and everything would be okay again, like it had been when they had started with Nightwish; he hadn’t come though, and now she felt her eyes burning with unshed tears. She bravely fought them back, not wanting to cry in front of her audience; the people in the first row might have noticed something, but no one let it show if they had. They all just smiled and applauded, all of them obviously more than happy. Tarja wished she could be able to share their happiness, but the disappointment of Tuomas not showing up here even though she clearly had invited him weighted on her heart too heavily to let her. Still she smiled for the cameras her fans had brought, patiently letting take them a whole load of pictures before she took her final bow. She waved at the audience once more, then turned and left the stage at last, making her way to the backstage area. To her dismay, the roadie who had promised to wait with her tea after the concert was nowhere to be seen, and for a moment, she considered to blow up at someone for the first time in her career. Then she decided she wouldn’t; it wasn’t fair to take her disappointment about Tuomas’ lack of appearance out on a roadie who probably just was busy. She sighed and made her way to the small room that served as her wardrobe, eager to get out of the dress she was wearing and into her regular clothes. She entered the small room and closed the door behind herself; just when she wanted to undress, a knock came from the door though, making her glance over in surprise. “Yes?” she then called out, frowning when there was no answer. “Who’s there?” she repeated, the only reply being that her door was knocked again. Annoyed, Tarja made her way to the door and opened it harshly, preparing herself to snap at whoever thought that this was funny. Her breath got caught in her throat when Tuomas smiled at her sheepishly, holding up a tray with a can and a cup on it. “Tea?” All Tarja could do was stare at him, then a wide smile suddenly broke out on her face, it was as if the sun came through the clouds on a stormy day to him. “You’re here!” she called out, making him smile and nod before he stepped into her room, placing the tray on a free seat. “And I’m sober”, he informed her, making her smile again before she suddenly hugged him tight, surprising him. After a moment, he returned the hug, tightening it around her while he smelled the scent of her hair, a smell he had missed so much in the past year. “Tarja”, he started, his voice shaking, “I…” She silenced him, placing a finger on his lips. “Shht”, she then whispered to him, “don’t talk now… Just let me enjoy having you back…” He smiled slightly at hearing her words, then nodded and hugged her again, closing his eyes when she leaned her head against his chest. He gently caressed her back, making her let out a small sigh; they stood like that for a while, then Tarja pulled back a bit, smiling up at him. “I’ve missed you so much…” she admitted, blushing slightly when she spoke on. “I’ve missed it to hug you…” “I know”, Tuomas replied, smiling at her. “I’ve missed it too… And…” He stopped talking, leaning towards her and singing softly into her ear: “I’ve always loved this…” Smiling, Tarja reached up to caress his cheek, whispering “And I would have loved this…” before she leaned up and kissed him gently, finally giving in to the longing she had felt for such a long time. He responded to the kiss in a way that showed her he had longed for it just as much; they both got lost in feeling so close to each other, body and soul, that all thoughts and worries of the past were blown away, as well as all worries of the future. While he tightened his hug on her, Tuomas knew that now, all pain and misery would be gone; he finally had found the final cure for his suffering, the knowledge making his heart almost hurt with love for her, a pain he was willing to live through, and a pain that he hoped would never stop.

End.

Tarja swallowed heavily to herself while the head caregiver introduced her, her heart was racing in her chest with excitement. She just had left the nursing school a few days ago, and barely could believe her luck that she had found a job immediately – in one of the best nursing homes of Helsinki. Now, after the head caregiver had finished her introduction, she slowly stepped up to her, smiling shyly into the room. The people who sat in it all smiled back at her, even applauded for her; all but one. When her gaze wandered through the room, her smile widening a bit, her gaze fell on the only man who wasn’t applauding; he just looked at her, glancing down on the table in front of him again though when her look fell on him. Tarja noticed that he was the only one who sat alone in the rather big dining hall, and for a moment, she asked herself why; then, the head caregiver spoke up again, distracting her from that lonely man back there. “Tarja will start working here tomorrow, with breakfast. That’s all we wanted to tell you, so are you free to do whatever you want now.” Everyone in the dining room applauded once more for Tarja, except for the man who sat alone; he just rose from his seat, leaning on his crutches heavily, and left the room, the door falling close behind him. The other inhabitants of the nursing home either walked back to their rooms as well, or moved over to the lounge, where they could watch TV, play games together or simply talk. While they did so, Tarja made her way to the head caregiver. “Can I ask you something, Meri?” “Sure”, the elder woman smiled at her. “What is it, my dear?” “Who’s the guy who sat over there?” Tarja asked, pointing to the table Tuomas had been sitting at. “He’s the only one who sat alone…” she then added. Meri sighed slightly, then gave her a lopsided smile. “That’s Tuomas. His mom took him here about eight years ago. He’s… Well, he’s a quite silent guy. Sometimes, he’s even close to being depressed, but he never talked much with any of us, so…” Tarja gave her a thoughtful look, then glanced over at the table where he had been sitting. “He seemed so lonely…” she mumbled, more to herself than to Meri, who shrugged slightly in reply. “Believe me, we tried to make him part of the group here… But he just wouldn’t let us… If you speak to him, he’s nice and polite, but he doesn’t talk much, and only if you ask him something. I guess he wants it the way it is…” Tarja nodded in reply, even though she was not sure if Tuomas really wanted it that way; when she had looked at him, she almost had seen his sadness and loneliness, and silently, she decided that she would try and be a friend for the young man, convinced that he needed one.

In the next morning, Tarja started her work in the nursing home, beginning with helping to serve the breakfast. When she reached the table of Tuomas, she gave him a smile, putting the tray with the breakfast down in front of him. “Hope you enjoy it”, she spoke, but he didn’t even glance up at her; he just nodded, his gaze concentrated on the food in front of him. Giving him a short glance, Tarja slowly moved on, almost waiting for him to say something; he remained silent though, only picking up the cup of coffee after a while and taking a sip of it. While the inhabitants of the nursing home had their breakfast, Tarja sat down at the table reserved for the caregivers and started to eat as well. While she ate, she found herself unable to keep her gaze away from Tuomas; it wandered back to him every other minute, even if she tried to force herself to look somewhere else. Finally, she gave up and watched him as unobtrusively as possible; he didn’t seem to notice, since he kept looking down on his breakfast while he ate. When he got done, he didn’t stay longer to talk to the people there, like the others did; he got up immediately, leaning on his crutches heavily and leaving the dining room. For a moment, Tarja considered to follow him, then decided that it would be wiser if she didn’t; after all, it was only her first day here, and she would have enough time from now on to find out why this Tuomas guy appeared so sad to her.

To her dismay, the young man didn’t appear again for the rest of the forenoon; only when it was time to have lunch, he entered the dining room again, sitting down on his usual place. Tarja watched how some of the other inhabitants greeted him when they entered, and he returned their greeting, not talking about anything with else them. “His situation is really bothering you, isn’t it?” The young woman jumped when someone spoke to her from the left, and she looked over, facing Meri. Sighing, she nodded. “Yes… I feel sorry for him, he seems so lonely…” Meri sighed as well and shrugged. “Yes, he does, but as I told you… It seems he wants it that way… You’re free to try and get him to open up to you, but don’t put your hopes up to high. Others tried too, and they all gave up after a while…” “Can I sit with him to eat?” Tarja asked in reply to that, making Meri shrug again. “Sure, you can sit wherever you want”, she then replied, smiling slightly at the young woman. Tarja gave her a thankful look, then grabbed her tray and slowly made her way to the table on the other end of the room. Tuomas shortly glanced up to her when he heard her footsteps approach, then looked down on his lunch again. “Hey”, Tarja spoke, stopping in front of his table. “Can I sit here?” Again, Tuomas looked up at her for a moment, slight surprise showing in his deep blue eyes; then, he shrugged. “If you want to”, he mumbled, letting the young woman hear his voice for the first time. She smiled at him, liking the deep, smooth sound of his voice. “Thank you”, she now replied, placing her tray on the table before she sat down opposite to Tuomas. “I guess you know my name”, she then started, “but I don’t know yours yet…” This wasn’t really true, but Tarja wanted him to talk to her, so she thought a little white lie couldn’t hurt. He gave her another one of his short glances, then looked down on his tray again, mumbling “Tuomas”. “Nice to meet you, Tuomas”, Tarja gave back, giving him another smile. He didn’t react to it; instead, he just picked up his fork and started to eat slowly. Tarja did the same, racking her brain for something she could ask him; as Meri had told her, he only spoke when he was asked something, and she was willing to bother him with questions until he would open up to her a bit. “Like the food?” she now asked, it wasn’t the most intelligent question, but it would work as a start. To her dismay, Tuomas just nodded, not even looking up at her. Trying to hide her disappointment, she went on eating, trying to find something else she could ask him; before anything that wasn’t stupid came to her mind though, he got done eating and slowly stood up, leaning on his crutches. “Bye”, he mumbled to her, and before she could reply anything, he already had turned around and left the dining room. Sighing, Tarja looked after him; this hadn’t worked out the way she had hoped it would, but she wasn’t willing to give up so fast. Silently, she decided to sit with him for all the meals, hoping that he sooner or later would open up to her.

The rest of the day, Tarja found herself quite busy with taking care of the inhabitants of the nursing home, getting to know some of them better. To her delight, they all treated her nicely and with respect; she found out the names of most of them, hoping that she would be able to remember them all. While she walked through the lounge, she wondered to herself where Tuomas was and what he was doing. It was obvious that he wasn’t in the lounge; taking a look out of the window, Tarja wondered if he was outside in the garden, but she couldn’t spot him there either. Deciding that he probably was in his room, the young woman ran one hand through her hair, not sure if she should go to there or not. She let her thoughts wander through the lounge once more, then decided that she wasn’t needed here at the moment. Turning around, the young woman left the lounge and slowly made her way down the hallway where the rooms of the inhabitants were located. Reading the nametags on the door, she stopped in front of the one that said “Tuomas Holopainen”, her heart suddenly beating faster. Taking in a deep breath, she slowly raised her hand, then knocked the door. For a while, no reply came; then, Tuomas’ deep voice sounded from behind the wood. “Yes…?” It surprised Tarja how insecure he sounded, and she figured that he didn’t get visits in his room often. Slowly, she opened the door and smiled at him. “Hey, Tuomas. Just wanted to see how you are… Can I come in?” He shrugged, closing the notebook he had been writing in and placing it aside. “Sure…” he then mumbled, placing his pen on the table. Smiling at him, Tarja stepped into the room and closed the door behind herself, then walked over to the table he sat at. Pulling the second chair over to her, she sat down, facing him. “How are you?” she asked him out of the blue, making him shrug again. “Fine, I guess…” he then replied, not looking at her though; instead, he picked up the pen again and started to play around with it, obviously not feeling comfortable. “How’s your leg?” Tarja asked on, and he shrugged again. “As always…” He glanced down on said damaged leg for a moment, then looked back up at her again. “Why are you here?” he softly asked, holding her gaze. Tarja gave him a smile, leaning back into her seat. “To make sure you’re okay.” She then replied. “That’s part of my job, remember?” Tuomas just nodded, looking down on the pen he still held in his fingers afterwards. “You saw I’m okay, so you can as well leave again…” Tarja rose an eyebrow at him. “Well… Yes, I could”, she then replied, capturing his gaze again. “But do you want me too?” Tuomas shrugged, it was obvious that he didn’t expect her to stay. “Whatever you prefer”, he then gave back, letting out a small sigh afterwards. Tarja remained silent for a while, then suddenly asked: “How did the damage of your leg happen?” He rose an eyebrow at her in reply, then asked back. “Why don’t you read my file and find out?” “I could”, Tarja gave back, “but I’d like to hear it from you.” Tuomas let out a small sigh in reply, glancing down on his leg. “It was an accident”, he then mumbled, looking back up at her. “I was hit by a car…” Tarja looked at him, something telling her that he hadn’t told her the whole truth; she didn’t ask further though, but just nodded. “I see… Poor you.” He just shrugged again, looking away from her and down at the table again; for a while there was silence, until it suddenly was broken when Tuomas let out a loud sneeze. Tarja jumped in her chair and stared at him, then started to giggle. “Oh, poor you.” she then said, looking at him with a slight smile on her face. “Are you getting a cold?” “Seems so…” Tuomas gave back, sniffling slightly. Reaching into her pocket, Tarja pulled out a pack of hankies, then handed one to him. “There you go”, she smiled, making him look at her surprised before he mumbled “Thanks”, pulled one of the hankies out and blew his nose. “Nothing to thank me for”, Tarja gave back, then a thought hit her. “Hey, how about I get you some tea? It might help to keep your cold from getting worse.” Tuomas shrugged, obviously not sure what he should think of that. “It would be nice…” he finally mumbled, making her smile and nod. “I’ll be right back”, she then promised, getting up from her chair. Tuomas nodded, then watched her leave, before he let out a small sigh and glanced down on his notebook, reading through what he had written before again.

Yesterday evening, a new caretaker started to work here. Her name’s Tarja, and today at breakfast, she sat with me to eat. I’m not sure what I should think of this… It’d be so great to have someone to talk to, to have a friend. I don’t know though if she does that because she really wants to know me, or just because she feels sorry for me… And I have no idea how I could find that out. I wish I could just ask her, but I know I never will bring up the courage for that. I guess all I can do is wait and

Here the entry stopped, since Tarja had entered. For a moment, Tuomas considered to pick up his pen and finish his sentence, then decided that he would not – he could wait until Tarja had left again If she ever comes back with that tea, he mused, she’ll probably meet someone more interesting on the way and get stuck there… Not that I could hold it against her, it’s not like I’m a good talking partner… He sighed to himself, shaking his hands. If he was writing, he could express everything he felt so easily; when it came to talking though, it seemed as if there was some kind of knot inside him which didn’t allow him to speak more than necessary. Letting out another sigh, he ran one hand through his hair, just closing his notebook again when the door opened and Tarja came back, carrying a cup of tea which she carefully balanced on her hand. “There you go”, she smiled, walking over to the table and putting it down there. “Hope you like it…” “Thanks”, Tuomas gave back, feeling that damned knot in his throat and chest again. He swallowed dryly, then reached for the cup of tea and took a small sip of it, careful not to burn his tongue. “Like it?” Tarja immediately asked when he put the cup down again, and he nodded. “It’s very good. Thank you again.” “Glad you like it”, Tarja replied, leaning back into the seat again. Tuomas glanced at her, obviously not sure what he could say and if it was necessary to say something. It was Tarja who broke the silence again by making a vague gesture at his notebook. “Is this your diary? If you don’t mind me asking…” “Yes”, Tuomas gave back, glancing on it for a moment. “I’ve written diaries from the moment on I knew how to write…” he then spoke on, looking back up at her again. “I brought them all with me when I came here…” he mumbled, making a vague gesture at one of the cupboards. “If you want to, you can have a look…” he added after a few moments of silence, slowly rising from his chair, leaning on his crutches heavily. He made his way to the cupboard and pulled the two doors of it open, revealing the stacks of notebooks he kept there. Tarjas eyes widened at the sight; there had to be fifty of them, or even more. “Wow”, she then spoke, looking from the notebooks over to Tuomas. “And you wrote into all of them?” Tuomas nodded, closing the doors again. “Yes… From the first to the last page.” “Wow”, Tarja repeated, obviously impressed. “I’ve tried to write diary once”, she then spoke, “but somehow, it didn’t really work… I always ending up writing things like >>Dear Diary, today my day was really nice. I had ice cream and then…<<…” She giggled, shaking her head. “So, it didn’t make much sense to keep it…” Tuomas just nodded, making his way back to his chair and sitting down on it. When he stretched his leg out in front of him though, he made an unlucky move, and banged it against the chair Tarja sat on. A low yelp of pain freed itself from his mouth, and he leaned forward, clutching his leg with both hands when a flash of pain ran through it. “Oh dear!” Tarja called out, shocked. Without thinking much about it, just reacting with the knowledge she had gained during her apprenticeship, she leaned forward and put both hands on the leg of the young man, massaging it gently. She didn’t notice the surprise look Tuomas gave her; it faded from his face again a few moments later when her gentle hands made the ache in his pain vanish slowly. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Tarjas hands on his leg, almost feeling pity when she stopped again after some time. “Better?” she asked, making him open his eyes again and look at her. He nodded, carefully stretching his leg again. “Thank you”, he then said, for the first time smiling at the young woman, a small, shy smile. Tarja smiled back, glad that he finally had given her a smile at last, then looked at her watch. “Hey, it’s almost time for lunch. Why don’t we go to the dining room?” Tuomas nodded, reaching for his crutches and getting up again. Together, Tarja and he made their way down the hallway and over to the dining room; while Tarja went to serve the food to the nursing home’s inhabitants, Tuomas sat down on his usual seat again, asking himself if Tarja would sit with him like she had done at breakfast. He watched how she handed out the trays with the lunch; when there were only two left, she made her way over to his table again, putting one down in front of him. “Mind if I sit with you again?” she then asked, and he shook his head. “No, go ahead…” He barely could believe his luck when she sat down with him again, giving him another one of her hearty smiles before she started to eat. For a while, he just watched her in silence; then, he finally remembered that he had some food as well and picked up his knife and fork. They ate in silence, Tarja not asking any questions this time; Tuomas was concentrating on his food, and so, he didn’t notice the warm glances Tarja gave him from time to time, and if he would have noticed, he probably wouldn’t have known what to think about them.

After lunch, Tarja had to take care of the other inhabitants of the nursing home as well, and so Tuomas made his way back to his room where he continued to write the diary entry he had been working on when Tarja had came to him. Opening the note book he currently used, he glanced over at the cupboard where he kept his old ones, asking himself what had made him show them to Tarja; normally, he didn’t tell anyone about them. Shaking his head to himself, he picked up his pen and looked down on the entry for a moment, then finally wrote on.

I guess all I can do is wait and see how things develop. Or that’s what I thought when I wrote this… Seems like she’s really interested in me. As a friend, of course. Not that I’d not be happy with that. She ate lunch with me again, and before that, she massaged my leg when I bumped it and it hurt… It never stopped to hurt again so quick. She has really skilled hands… Wow, I just realized how that must sound. Good that no one but me reads this.

He stopped writing when he heard footsteps approach, wondering if it was Tarja again; then the footsteps passed his door and then got softer though, he sighed to himself, feeling slightly disappointed. After a few moments of musings, he picked up his pen again and wrote on.

Funny, someone just walked by and I was hoping it’s her again. When it wasn’t, I was disappointed. Maybe I should hold myself back a bit and not focus on her too much… It could scare her away, and I don’t think I can take that. She’s the first one in years who really seems to care for me. At least she’s the first one who didn’t get scared away from my behaviour after two minutes… I really hope it stays that way. It would be so nice to have someone I can call a friend…

With those words, he stopped his entry, putting the pen down and waiting for a few moments to let the ink dry before he closed the note book. He sighed to himself once more, then opened one of the drawers and placed it there. As soon as it was put away safely, Tuomas slowly got up from his seat and made his way to his bed; he laid down on it and reached for the book that laid on his nightstand, opening it at the page he had read last. He started reading again, soon being lost in the world of the book and not thinking much about Tarja anymore.

He got torn out of the book’s world a few hours later, when someone knocked his door. Sitting up on the bed slowly, he reached for his crutches and made his way to the door; opening it, he found himself looking down on a smiling Tarja. “Hey”, she now said, glancing back up at him. “I’m going out in the garden for a little walk, and I was wondering if you would want to join me…” For a few moments, he was taken aback, asking himself if he really had heard her right; then, he nodded slowly. “Sure… Why not…” Tarja beamed at him. “Great! So, let’s go…” She waited until Tuomas had stepped out of the room and had closed the door; then, she gave him another smile before both started to walk down the hallway, over to the door that led out into the garden. Holding it open for Tuomas, Tarja waited until he had made his way through it, leaning on his crutches as heavily as always; as soon as he was outside, Tarja got out as well, then let the door fall close. “Let’s walk around a bit, shall we?” she then suggested. Tuomas just nodded in reply, and slowly, so he wouldn’t tire out, Tarja started to stroll down one of the small ways in the garden. Tuomas moved along next to her in silence, not really knowing what to say. “So since when are you here?” Again it was Tarja who spoke up, and he glanced at her before he let out a small sigh. “Eight years, two weeks and three days”, he then replied, making Tarja look at him in surprise. “You count the days?” Tuomas just nodded as an answer, and the young woman remained silent for a moment before she asked on. “Don’t you enjoy it here?” Tuomas just shrugged a bit in reply and looked off into the distance, seeming lost in his thoughts for a moment. Then, he glanced back at the young woman. “It’s a nice place”, he replied, then looked at the surrounding garden again. “But… Nevermind.” Tarja almost let out a curse at that; she had the feeling that he had been very close to telling her something important, maybe something that would explain it to her why he always seemed so sad. She didn’t ask him about it though, knowing that it wouldn’t be of any good; instead, she changed the topic to a lighter one by asking him what he had been reading when she had come to pick him up, and this seemed to make him open up to her at least a bit. He immediately started talking about the book, explaining the characters, the plot and how good it was to her, and for the next forty minutes, all Tarja did was listen to him, enjoying the sound of his voice and the sudden happiness that filled it when he talked about the book.

One and a half hours after their walk had started, Tarja and Tuomas finally returned into the nursing home, as it was almost time for dinner already. After Tuomas had gotten done with his descriptions about the book he was reading, the two had engaged in a nice conversation about books in general; some of the nursing homes other inhabitants had seen them, and all of them had been surprised to see Tuomas talking to someone like this. It soon had been told to everyone else who hadn’t seen it, and when Tarja and Tuomas entered the dining hall together, everyone looked at them. They didn’t notice it though; Tarja was looking at Tuomas, and he had his gaze on the ground as most of the time, talking about the authors he favoured. The two made their way to the table Tuomas always sat at, and while Tuomas took his seat, Tarja told him that she would help to hand out the food and then join him again. He nodded, giving her a weak smile while she made her way over to the counter where the food was given out. She helped the other caretakers to hand it out; as soon as she was done with that, she returned to the table Tuomas sat at, carrying two trays with food. When he saw her approach, he got up from his seat and took one of the trays from her as soon as she got into reach, making her smile at him “Thank you.” “Welcome”, Tuomas gave back shyly, then both sat down and started to eat. “You know”, Tarja said between two bites of food, “I have a book at home you might like to read. I can take it with me tomorrow if you like.” “That would be nice”, Tuomas gave back, giving her another one of his small smiles. She returned it much brighter, silently congratulating herself for finally finding a topic that made him open up to her. She knew that with this talk, the first step of getting closer to him had been taken; now, all she needed to figure out was how to take the other steps, and she was more than convinced to do so.

During the next days, Tarja managed to get a bit closer to the young man, much to her happiness. He still always seemed sad though, except for the times they were talking about books; and then the talk came to the topic of their past, he always changed it quickly, obviously not wanting to talk about his life before he had came to the nursing home. Tarja constantly wondered about this, but she knew that asking anything wouldn’t help; all she could do was wait until Tuomas was ready to tell her himself. This day seemed to come closer when one morning, he seemed even more sad and depressed than usual; he didn’t say a word during breakfast, didn’t even look at her, but only stared down into his cup of coffee constantly. “Tuomas?” Tarja finally asked when she couldn’t stand his silence anymore. “Are you okay?” He just shrugged, not even looking up at her again; he took another sip of his coffee, then sighed and reached for his crutches. “I’m not hungry”, he then told her, still refusing to look at her. “See you later…” “Shall I walk you to your room?” Tarja offered, but he only shook his head. “No, thanks… I’d like to be alone for a while.” Looking at him concerned, Tarja nodded, not sure what she should think of this. She watched how he turned around and slowly made his way to the door, leaving the dining hall with his gaze fixed on the ground. She let out a sigh, asking herself what was wrong with him; then, she decided that she just would wait and see if his mood got better again and continued her breakfast, even though her appetite was mostly gone.

Tarja didn’t see Tuomas after breakfast, and she had figured that he had gone to his room; she wasn’t sure if she should check on him or not, but then her worry got the better of her and she slowly started to make her way down the hallway. She had had the intention to walk over to Tuomas’ room, but then she passed the small phone booth that was provided for the inhabitants of the nursing home. It wasn’t transparent like phone booths outside on the street, only a small room with a normal wooden door, so Tarja couldn’t see who sat inside it; she heard the familiar voice though and stopped dead in her tracks, moving a bit closer to the door afterwards. Tuomas’ voice drifted through the wood, and the eyes of the young woman widened slightly at what she heard. “But Mom, I… Mom, please…” He was silent for a while, obviously listening to his mother on the other end of the line. When he spoke on again, his voice was shaking. “Okay… I’m sorry, I won’t bother you again. I just wanted to…” He fell silent again, obviously being interrupted by his mother. Tarja couldn’t hear if he replied anything to her anymore after that; she heard the noise of the receiver being hung up though, then the sound of the chair that had been put into the phone booth being pushed back on the ground. Quickly, she hurried down the hallway and hid behind the next corner, she didn’t want Tuomas to know that she had listened to his talk. While she still wondered what the things she had heard meant, she heard the sound of Tuomas approaching; he passed her without even noticing her, and she was shocked to see that tears were glistening in his eyes. She remained where she was for a little longer, her mind racing, trying to figure out what all of this meant; then, she finally snapped out of her trance and started to move, almost running through the by now empty hallway and to the direction of Tuomas’ room.

She reached the door that led to Tuomas’ room only a few moments later, and just when she raised her hand to knock the wood, she heard the soft, suppressed sobbing coming from inside. The sound almost broke her heart, and she closed her eyes for a moment before she finally knocked the wood softly. For a while, there was no response, then Tuomas spoke up, his voice cracked and shaken from his tears. “Go away…” “Tuomas, it’s me.” Tarja replied. “Please, let me enter…” “No…” he gave back, sniffling slightly afterwards. “Leave me alone…” “Tuomas, please.” Tarja repeated. “Let me help you… You can’t carry whatever burden you have alone.” Again, he didn’t reply for a while; then his footsteps finally came up, and he opened the door, looking down on her, hot tears still rolling down his cheeks. Without saying a word, Tarja stepped up to him and hugged him; she felt him stiffen in her arms for a moment, then he suddenly returned the hug tightly, his crutches falling to the floor, and buried his face in her shoulder, sobbing heavily. “Shhht”, Tarja whispered, caressing his back soothingly. She quickly glanced down the hallway to make sure no one would come along and see Tuomas like this, then she pulled back from the hug and put one of her arms around his shoulders. “Come on, sit down”, she spoke, leading him over to the bed. He let himself fall down on it heavily, burying his face in his hands, and Tarja hurried back to the door, picking up the crutches from the ground before she closed it. She made her way back to the bed and leaned the crutches against the wall, then sat down next to Tuomas, taking him into her arms again. Immediately, like a child seeking comfort, he leaned his head against her shoulder again, burying his face in her shirt. “Hey… It’s okay, stop crying”, Tarja whispered to him, caressing his back again when another racked sob shook him. “She’ll always hate me”, he whispered out in reply, making the heart the young woman clench. “I wish I’d died…” Shocked, Tarja grabbed his shoulders to pull him back a bit, making him look at her. “Don’t you say something like that!” she burst out, but he only looked at her sadly. “Why not?” he then softly asked. “There’s no one who’d miss me…” “I would”, Tarja gave back, in a softer tone now. Tuomas just looked at her in silence for a few moments, then shook his head and glanced away from her, down on the blanket that laid on the bed. “No… You wouldn’t anymore if you knew what I did…” Tarja shook her head, taking his hands into hers and holding them. “Whatever it is, it won’t change the fact that you’re my friend.” At this, Tuomas looked back up at her again, obviously surprised about the fact that she just had called him a friend. “I mean it”, Tarja reassured him, squeezing his hands gently. Tuomas looked at her for some longer, then he looked down on the bed again, obviously fighting hard with himself if he should say something now or not. Tarja sensed that it was now or never; if she wanted to find out why he was so sad all the time, she had to find out now. “Why does she hate you?” she softly asked, and Tuomas swallowed heavily in reply. There was silence for a while, only interrupted from the soft rustling sound Tuomas created when his fingers started to play with the hemline of his shirt nervously. Then, he suddenly looked up at Tarja again. “I can’t tell you”, he softly spoke, “but I can show you…” Tarja didn’t have a clue what he was talking about for a moment, until he stood up and slowly made his way to the cupboard where he kept his diaries. He opened it, pulled one of them out, skimmed through it, then shook his head and put it back. Taking out another one, he seemed to find what he had been looking for; he looked at it for a moment, then made his way back to the bed and handed it to Tarja, the book opened on a certain page already. “I was eight when I wrote that entry”, he softly spoke, “so don’t expect great writing… But I guess it explains enough.” Nodding, Tarja took the book and started to read, Tuomas sitting down next to her in silence and waiting until she was done.

Hello diary. It’s my birthday today, but mommy didn’t get me anything. When I asked her why, she didn’t give me an answer. All the other kids I know get something for their birthdays, and for Christmas too, but I didn’t. I don’t know why mommy talks to me so rarely. I wish Daddy was here…

Tarja looked up in shock, asking herself what this meant. Tuomas didn’t say anything though; he just reached for the book and turned a few pages, that motioned at her to read on.

Mommy told me why she’s mad with me all the time. She said I killed Daddy. How can I kill someone, I’m only eight? She didn’t tell me how, she just said I did. She also said that she doesn’t like me, but she has to, right? She’s my Mommy, and Mommies like their kids. Don’t Mommies have to like their kids? I want Mommy to like me…

Her shock even bigger, Tarja looked up at him again, her eyes wide. “What… Tuomas, what did she mean with that? Why did she say that you killed your father?” Tuomas swallowed heavily again, obviously trying hard to find words. “Do you have a diary entry about this too?” Tarja asked, realizing that it was much easier for him this way. He nodded, relief showing on his face, and made his way back to the cupboard. He got out another book after a while of looking and returned, handing it to her after he had opened it on the right page. “That was written when I was sixteen”, he explained, sitting down next to her again.

I still can’t believe what she told me today. Normally, she never talks to me, or at least not more than necessary, but today she told me why she behaves that way. It’s my fault that Dad died… She always blamed me for that, since that time on Christmas when I was eight, but today she finally told me why she blames me. She called him at work when she found out that she was pregnant, and he rushed home. He drive too fast or something and had a car crash and died. If she hadn’t been pregnant with me, this wouldn’t have happened… I know that it’s not right to blame me for this, but a part of me blames myself as well… If it hadn’t been for me, he still would be alive and she would be happy…

Not able to read on, Tarja placed the book aside and closed her eyes for a moment, not believing that any mother could do something like this to her kid. “Oh my God, Tuomas… I’m so sorry.” She whispered, looking at him again and putting her arms around him, hugging him tight. He didn’t return the hug; he just looked down on the bed, shaking slightly in the arms of the young woman. “I always tried to be the best in everything I did, all my life.” He whispered, his eyes filling with tears again as he spoke on. “I did that so she would show that she appreciates it… I just wanted a small sign that she appreciates me. I didn’t even expect her to love me, not after what I did…” “Don’t do this, please.” Tarja softly spoke, tightening her hug around him. “It’s not your fault, Tuomas. I know that she probably told this to you all your life, but it’s not. It can’t be your fault. You weren’t even born, for Heaven’s sake!” Tuomas just shrugged, his gaze down on the blanket again. Tarja didn’t speak on either; she just held him tight, her shock about what she just had found out about him and his past still big, she couldn’t believe that any mother could do something like this. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this”, she now whispered into his ear, hugging him tight again. “I wish I could do something to ease your pain…” “Just hold me”, Tuomas gave back, his voice shaking with tears. “Please… I’ve never been held like this before.” Closing her eyes to hold her own tears back, Tarja nodded and pulled him as close as she could; he wrapped his arms around her as well, and they sat like that for a long time.

“Why did you call her today?” Tarja asked quite some time later, running her fingers through the long hair Tuomas. She sat with her back leaning against the headboard of the bed, the pillow behind her so it was comfortable; Tuomas laid next to her in a curled up position, his head in her lap. “It’s her birthday today.” He gave back after a while of silence, sounding awfully tired. After they had been holding each other for a while, Tuomas had given Tarja more of his diaries to read; she had read about all the times his mother had blamed him for the death of his father, had found out about how she had ignored him when she didn’t blame him and had read about how lonely he had been all his life, not even able to make friends at school. It had shocked her to read about how his mother had treated him and how lonely he had been; it had been clearly visible how he gotten sadder and sadder, the sadness getting deeper into his heart with every diary entry she had read. “I called her every year ever since she took me here.” Tuomas now spoke on, gaining her attention again. “It’s the same every time, but still…” Tarja nodded, showing that she understood what he wanted to say. “Did she ever visit you here?” she then asked, making sigh and shake his head. “No. And I don’t expect her to. She said she wouldn’t when she drove me here…” Tarja shook her head as well, still not able to believe how any mother could treat her kid like this. She remembered her own childhood, and how happy it had been; even though she had moved out of her parents house a while ago, they still met often, and her mother was more a best friend than a mother to her. “This woman should be sued”, she mumbled, more to herself than to Tuomas, but he reacted to it anyway. “Maybe. I guess so. But I don’t have the strength to fight her like this…” He sighed again, then changed his position slightly so he could lie more comfortably. “Understandable”, Tarja gave back, then put her arms around him the best she could, since he still laid in her lap. “I know that this might sound impossible to you now, but you should forget about her.” she whispered, making him look up at her again. “She doesn’t deserve it that you still care for her like that…” Tuomas nodded, knowing that she was right; then, both fell silent again, the young man enjoying the company and the comfort the young woman gave him.

Tarja and Tuomas spent the rest of the day together, having dinner and then talking until it was time for Tarja to go home. Normally, she slept in the nursing home so she was there when breakfast started; since it was her free day in the next day too, she left the home to stay in her apartment. To his dismay, Tuomas realized that he would miss her when she said her goodbye to him; he knew that she would be back the day after tomorrow, but still the thought of spending one day without her pained him. He wrote about this in his diary after Tarja had left, this always had helped him to get things off his soul and now, it wasn’t different.

Strange how I miss her already. She just left ten minutes ago, and she won’t be back until the day after tomorrow. I can’t wait to see her again… I only know her for such a short time now, but she means so much to me already. She really seems to care for me… It felt so good when she hugged me today. I wished that this moment never would end… I’ve never been hugged like this before. I wonder if she will do it more often in the future? It really would be nice…

He sighed to himself and stopped writing for a moment to look out of the window, Tarjas face appearing in front of his inner eye. He still remembered the look of shock and disbelief when she had read his diary, and how she had looked at him after reading it, with that deep sympathy in her eyes. Then, he picked up his pen again and wrote on.

I don’t know if I should let her read more than what I let her read already. She thinks she knows so much already, but there are still so many things left… I don’t know if she’ll be able to handle it all. She seems so delicate to me, like a porcelain figure… I’m afraid that it will break something inside her if I tell her everything.

He sighed again, remembering one of the darker events in his past, a shiver running down his spine. There had been many similar to the one he just had thought of, and most of the time, he could put them away; now, one of them came up though again, and he reached for his leg without even fully realizing it, massaging it gently. Tarja already had had a hard time believing what she had read about his mother, and if he told her everything that had happened… He glanced out of the window again, as if he could find an answer for the questions that were bothering him there, then finally put the pen aside again and closed his diary. Getting up from his chair, he made his way to the bed and laid down on it; he stared up at the ceiling for a while deep in thought, ignoring the constant pulses of pain his leg sent out the best he could, until he slowly drifted off into sleep.

The next day, Tuomas spent mostly in his room; during breakfast, lunch and dinner, he sat alone again, thinking about Tarja constantly. To his surprise, he couldn’t get his mind off the young woman; even if he forced himself to think about something else, he caught himself thinking about Tarja again a few minutes later. Finally, after lunch, he decided not to try to force his mind to another topic anymore; he just let it wander while he sat in his room, looking out into the garden. He didn’t even notice how he counted the minutes, waiting for the time to pass so he could see Tarja again. The day passed awfully slowly to him; when it finally was time to sleep, he was almost relieved. Lying down in his bed, he read a bit more of his book; then, he finally turned off the light and tried to find some sleep, thinking about Tarja and how nice it had been to hold her until he finally drifted off into dreamland.

In the next morning, Tuomas got done as fast as never before with his morning shower and with getting dressed; he wanted to see Tarja again as soon as possible. He walked over into the dining hall as soon as he was done, his heart racing in his chest by the time he arrived there. He sat down on his usual place and looked around the dining hall; when he spotted Tarja handing out the breakfast trays, his heart performed a daring somersault on his chest. She saw him as well after a few moments, as if she had felt his glance on her, and gave him one of her bright, cheerful smiles. And in this moment, Tuomas realized that he loved her, loved her with all his heart, loved her like he never had loved someone before. He smiled back at her, asking himself if she could see what he felt for her in his eyes and in his smile; for a wonderful moment, the two just looked into each others eyes, then Tarja went on with handing out the breakfasts while Tuomas just waited patiently until she would be done and would sit with him again. Finally, she got done with handing out the trays and, as always, carried two of them over to the table Tuomas sat at. Taking a seat as well, she smiled at Tuomas once more and wishes him a good morning; he returned it, then pulled one of the trays closer to himself. “Did you have a nice day yesterday?” he then asked, looking at the young woman while he cut one of his bread rolls in two. “More or less”, Tarja replied, smiling at him. “I had to clean my whole apartment”, at this, she sighed, “and that took me half of the day… But after that, I just rested and was lazy.” “Sounds nice”, Tuomas gave back, returning her smile still a bit shy. He wondered again if she could see the love he felt for her in his eyes; if she did, she didn’t show it. He concentrated on his food again, putting butter and marmalade on the two halves of his bread roll. For a while, there was silence; then, Tuomas spoke up, almost blurting out. “Would you like to go… on a walk with me today?” He almost bit his tongue, he actually had planned to ask her if she wanted to go out with him, and not just on a walk. His heart still sang with joy when she smiled and nodded. “Sure. As soon as I got done here, we can go. Is this ok for you?” Tuomas nodded immediately, glad that she had agreed. He didn’t know what he would have done if she had told him no, even though chances for her telling that were quite small – she did seem to like him after all. He got convinced more that she really did when she flashed him another one of her smiles before she took a bite of her bread roll. “I’ll wait in my room for you…” he spoke while she chewed, and she nodded. Then, a thoughtful expression appeared on her face, and she looked at him. “Why don’t you wait in the lounge?” she then suggested, and Tuomas gulped. Even though he had been here for such a long time now, he never had joined the other inhabitants of the nursing home in the lounge; he wasn’t sure how they would react now if he did, if they would talk to him or if they just would ignore him… “You’re not unable to speak to others”, Tarja now softly spoke on, holding his gaze with hers. “And you deserve it to have some friends… I’m sure the others would like to get to know.” Gulping again, Tuomas surprised himself with nodding; he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but then decided that it couldn’t hurt to try. “Great”, Tarja smiled, obviously happy about his choice. “I’ll pick you up from there then when I got done, okay?” Tuomas nodded again, then took another bite from  his breakfast; he still wasn’t sure if this had been the right thing to do, but now there was no way he could turn back, and all he could do was see how it would work.

Only twenty minutes later, the breakfast was over, and Tuomas slowly made his way to the lounge. Most of the others were there already; the few who weren’t busied themselves with other things. Opening the door that led to the lounge, Tuomas took in a deep breath before he stepped into the room. For a moment, he was convinced that everyone was staring at him; then, he realized that this was not the case, but two or three people were glancing over at him, their surprise clearly showing. Tuomas gave them a weak, unsure smile while he slowly walked over to one of the tables and sat down there. For a while, he just sat there alone, watching how the others played cards and other games, talked and watched TV; he just felt how his heart started to sink when one of the card players suddenly called out his name. “Hey, Tuomas!” For a moment, Tuomas was sure that his ears had played a trick on him; why should they call out for him, of all people? To his surprise, the man who had called out for him made an impatient gesture, smiling slightly though. “Come on! Wanna play with us?” Slowly, Tuomas nodded, rising from his seat. He almost expected them to tell him that hadn’t been talking to him, but to some other Tuomas in here, even though he knew he was the only one while he made his way over to the table the three guys sat at. “Do you know how to play poker?” the one next to the man who had asked him to come over now asked; Tuomas remembered his name, it was Samuel. He nodded, still not believing that they had asked him to play with them. “Great, so we got our fourth man”, another guy at the table grinned, then held his hand out to Tuomas. “Nice to meet you, Tuomas, I’m Osmo.” “My pleasure”, Tuomas replied shyly, taking his hand and shaking it. The guy who had called for him introduced himself as well, telling him that his name was Herman before he started to hand out the cards. Soon, Tuomas was engrossed in the poker game with the three guys; he barely noticed how Tarja entered the room, since he was busy hiding his cards from Osmo, who kept trying to spy into them. Only when Tarja spoke up, he noticed that she stood next to his chair. “Hey, guys. Am I interrupting something? I actually planned to kidnap Tuomas from you, but seems as if he is busy…” The cards in his hands forgotten, Tuomas put them down on the table. “Oh, no”, he hurried to say, “I’m sure it’s okay with we go on our walk…” He gave a pleading look to the guys, and unlike Tarja, they immediately seemed to notice something. All three of them grinned and nodded, then Herman said “Go and have fun, we’ll find another one to play with us. See you later, Tuomas…?” It was half a fact, half a question, and Tuomas answered it by smiling a bit and nodding. He grabbed his crutches and came to his feet, looking at Tarja with a slight smile on his face. “Let’s go?” Tarja smiled back and nodded in reply, waiting until Tuomas was leaning on the crutches safely before she left the lounge with him, getting out into the garden for their walk.

They walked in silence for a while, until Tarja spoke up. “Seems like you had a nice time with those guys.” Tuomas smiled at her and nodded. “Thanks for making me go there”, he then mumbled, feeling a bit shy again. “I never would have dared so on my own…” Tarja shook her head, then took his hand and squeezed it, holding it gently afterwards. “No matter how often your mother told you what a horrible person you are”, she softly spoke, holding his gaze with hers when he looked at her, “you are not. You’re a wonderful person, Tuomas, even if you don’t believe it yourself…” Tuomas just shrugged, obviously having a hard time indeed to believe this. Tarja gave him another smile, then changed the topic to a lighter one. “Hey, I heard there’s a great new movie starting in cinema next week. Do you plan to go there?” Tuomas shrugged again, giving her a shy glance. “I don’t know… It’s boring to go there alone, but…” “But what?” Tarja asked, her heart jumping in her chest. Come on, ask me! You know I won’t say no… “I was wondering if…” Tuomas stuttered, his cheeks slowly reddening, “if you would go there with me…” Tarja almost jumped with joy, but forced herself to react in a decent way; she smiled widely and nodded. “Sure. I’d be glad to…” Tuomas let out the breath he had been holding, his face slowly returning to its normal colour; the relieved expression that showed on his features made Tarja giggle. “I’ll order cards for us then”, she spoke when she had calmed down again. “Good idea”, Tuomas agreed, not really able to believe that she had agreed on going out with him. Then, it hit his mind that maybe she wasn’t even seeing this as a date, and he gulped. Tarja noticed the change in his expression and gave him a halfway worried, halfway curious glance. “Tuomas? Are you okay?” she then asked, making him look at her shyly again. “Tarja…” He then started, “is this… Are we going on a date?” he blurted out with the last words so fast that Tarja had to think about them for a few moments to make sure she heard him right, then she smiled widely. “If you want it to be a date…” she replied, making him blush heavily again. “Well… Yes…” he admitted, his cheeks getting hot again. Tarja gave him another smile, a soft and somehow gentle one this time, and squeezed his hand. “Good, because it’s the same for me…” she then whispered, before she leaned up and kissed his cheek. It only lasted for a few moments, but still it almost gave Tuomas a heart attack. A bit shocked, but happy, he smiled at her, asking himself what he had done that suddenly, his life changed to the better like that.

After spending almost an hour in the park, Tarja and Tuomas finally made their way back into the house. As they walked, Tuomas silently decided to himself that he would let her know everything about him now; if things would develop like he hoped they would, there shouldn’t be any secrets. “Tarja…?” His voice was soft when he spoke up, making her look at him. “Yes?” she asked, immediately sensing that whatever he wanted to say was not easy for him. “Would you… Come to my room with me?” he now asked, giving her a shy, somehow sad glance. “There’s something you should know…” Worried by now, Tarja nodded, and the two made their way to Tuomas’ room. Entering it, Tuomas asked her to sit down; she did so, and Tuomas took a seat as well, looking down on the ground. “There’s something you should know about me before we… go out on that date”, he spoke, his voice shaking slightly. He sighed, then looked out of the window, suddenly deep in thought. “If you want to, you can let me read it again…” Tarja offered into the silence, knowing that it wasn’t easy for him to talk about his past – and that whatever he wanted to tell her had to be connected with his past was clear to her. To her surprise, he shook his head. “No. There aren’t any about this… I didn’t even reflect it to myself enough to write about it. But I can’t keep it hidden, neither from you, nor from me… Not anymore.” Seriously worried by now, Tarja nodded, looking at him with her concern clearly showing in her eyes. Again, silence filled the room, until Tuomas finally spoke up, his voice soft and again shaking a bit. “Are you afraid of the dark, Tarja?” Not really knowing what to think of this, Tarja shook her head, then carefully asked in return: “Are you?” Tuomas just nodded in reply, then looked out of the window again; he took in a deep breath after a while and finally started to speak, his voice soft and showing how hard this was for him. “You know already that my mother ignored me most of my life, and when she talked to me, she blamed me for the death of my father.” Tarja nodded, her heart clenching at the memory of what she had read about Tuomas’ childhood. “Well… There’s another thing she used to do too.” Tuomas spoke on, his hands playing with the hemline of the shirt. “You know, she… Sometimes, she had some kind of drinking problem. She didn’t drink often, not regularly… But when she did, she got smashed. And in those times, she always found something she wanted to punish me for…” “Did she hit you?” Tarja asked in shock, slight relief filling her when he shook his head. It got wiped away again though when he spoke on. “No. She never hit me, but… We had this room in the cellar. It had no window, no light and… The door only could be opened from the outside. The handle inside had fallen off and she never put it back on…” A horrible suspicion hit Tarjas mind, and she looked at him clearly shocked. “She… She didn’t lock you up in there, right?” Tuomas looked at her, the expression in his eyes so pained that it wasn’t even necessary for him to answer. “Oh… Oh my God…” Tarja whispered in shock, getting up from her chair and wrapping her arms around him, holding him tight. He returned the hug immediately, burying his face in her shoulder; his voice was muffled when he spoke on. “She always did when she had her drinking phases… Sometimes only for a few hours, or a day at maximum… But one time, she kept me in there for three days, without light, food or water…” All Tarja could do was caress his back while he spoke on, she was too shocked for words. “I kept screaming for her to let me out, until I was to hoarse to even speak, but… She either didn’t hear me, or she ignored me. When she finally did let me out, I had fainted a few times already… I don’t know how long I was out when that happened, but…” Hugging him tight again, Tarja ran one hand through his long hair, feeling him shake in her arms. “I’m so sorry”, she whispered. “I wish I could do something to erase all of this from your mind…” Tuomas didn’t reply for a while, then he spoke up again, the words almost bursting out of him. “What happened to my leg is her fault too.” “Her fault? Why?” Tarja demanded to know, barely able to believe her ears. “I was leaving for school”, Tuomas replied, held-back tears sounding through his voice. “And… She was drunk again… She followed me out of the house and kept yelling at me. I tried to ignore her, but…”

Her voice was loud, so loud. He gritted his teeth, not willing to get into a fight with her out here on the street; he almost could feel the glances of the people around on his body, watching how that crazed older woman was yelling insults at the young man walking in front of her. “I’m talking to you, Mister!” she now yelled, hurrying a bit so she could keep up with his speed. “Don’t you dare to ignore your mother, Tuomas! Stop and look at me!” “You ignore me all the time too”, Tuomas mumbled, more to himself than to the woman who by now was walking next to him, her face reddened from the alcohol and her fury. “How dare you to talk about me like this!” she now screeched, and Tuomas winced to himself. And then, before he even realized what she intended to do, she had pushed him, pushed him with surprising strength. He yelped when he stumbled off the sidewalk and out on the street; the honking of a car horn filled his ears, and then a low thud sounded when the car hit his body.

Finishing the short episode of how his mother had sent him to hospital with a simple push, Tuomas opened his eyes and looked at Tarja again, shocked to see that she was crying. “My God…” the young woman now whispered, tightening her hug around him once more. “How could she do something like this? Oh, God… Tuomas…” She caressed his hair and back as she spoke, her voice trembling with her tears, the tears she shed for him and for what he had gone through. “I was in hospital for three weeks and two days”, he softly spoke on when she had calmed down a bit again. “She didn’t visit me once. And afterwards… When I came back home… She told me she would take me here. My leg got permanently damaged due to the force of the hit, and she said she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life caring for… for someone like m-m-me…” His voice shook, then cracked at the last words, and a heart-wrenching sob freed itself from his throat. He buried his face in the shoulder of the young woman again, crying heavily, letting all the tears he had kept inside for so long finally get out. Tarja cried as well as she held him, her arms tight around him; they remained in this position for a long time, until the tears of both finally had stopped.

“Do you want to go and have some lunch now?” Tarja softly asked a while later, making Tuomas shake his head. “No. No thanks, I’m not… really hungry.” Tarja nodded, this reply didn’t really surprise her. “I’m tired.” Tuomas now mumbled, slowly lying down on his bed. “I feel drained…” Tarja gave him a worried look, then remembered that this had been the first time Tuomas ever had talked about how his accident had really happened and about how his mother had locked him up in the cellar and understood; he had to be tired out mentally after that. Leaning over him, she caressed his hair and gently kissed his forehead, making him sigh slightly. “Sleep a bit”, she then whispered into his ear. “You need it…” Tuomas nodded, letting out another happy sigh when Tarja caressed his hair once more before she straightened up again and left the room, softly closing the door behind herself. Tuomas laid on the bed for a bit longer, his eyes closed, remembering the touch and kiss of Tarja; then, he finally drifted off into sleep, soon slumbering deeply.

During the next days, Tarja and Tuomas spent as much time as they could together; when Tarja didn’t have any work to do in the nursing home, she was with him. To his happiness, and his increasing nervousness, the day of their date came closer and closer, and finally it was there. Tuomas was extraordinarily jumpy the whole day; he surprised everyone else in the nursing home with his inability to stop smiling, his mind permanently circling around Tarja, the movie they would see and around the fact that they were really going on a date. Can’t believe a girl like here is going with ME, he wrote into his diary after breakfast, his heart performing a summersault in his chest at the thought. We’ll really go out tonight… I can’t wait for the hours to pass so I can go there with her. I wish I had some kind of machine to make time go by faster… He stopped writing, the smile slowly fading from his face when a more serious thought hit his mind. Strange, he then wrote on after a while, but I just realized that today is the first day of my life where I really feel happy, without any buts or regulations. I never would have thought that someone can make me feel this way. I guess I have to thank Tarja for giving this to me… It feels as if I’m reborn. He smiled to himself, underlining the words he wrote as the ending of his entry. This is the first day in my life I am happy, and this is the first day of my new life.

Even though the day seemed to pass as slowly as it could, just to annoy both Tarja and Tuomas, the evening finally came, and thus the time to go to the cinema. Tuomas’ heart was hammering in his chest when he heard the sound of Tarja knocking his door; quickly, he got up and made his way over to it as fast as he could. Opening it, he found himself looking at Tarja, dressed to go out; she was wearing a deep red, sleeveless top underneath a short jacket with matching black pants. His breath got caught in his throat for a moment, then, a wide smile appeared on his face. “Hey.” He greeted her softly, making her smile back at him. “You… You look awesome…” He added after a few moments of silence, feeling his cheeks reddening slightly. “Thanks”, Tarja gave back, her smile widening a bit. “You look great too…” At this, Tuomas blushed even more; he had chosen the newest pair of jeans and the best button-up shirt he owned, and he was more than glad that Tarja liked it. “Thank you”, he mumbled, returning to his shy self for a moment before he collected all his courage and gave the young woman another smile. “Let’s go?” he then asked, and Tarja nodded. She waited until he had moved out of his room and had closed the door; then, she carefully moved her arm underneath his, making sure that she didn’t hinder him with his crutch, and gave him another smile while she gently put her hand on his forearm. He smiled back at her, then the two started to make their way down the hallway and out of the nursing home. They walked to the bus stop calmly, knowing that they had enough time to get to the cinema. Luckily, they didn’t need to wait for the bus too long; it arrived only a few minutes after Tarja and Tuomas had arrived at the bus stop. The drive didn’t take long; fifteen minutes later, the two got out in front of the cinema and went to get their tickets. “Where are we sitting?” Tuomas asked curiously, making Tarja study the cards. “Last row”, she then replied, before she winked at him. “Special seat…” “Special seat?” Tuomas replied, raising one eyebrow; Tarja just nodded and smiled, taking a gentle hold of his arm again. “You’ll see”, she then gave back, changing the topic afterwards by making a vague gesture at the snack bar. “What do you think? Should we get some popcorn and coke?” Nodding, Tuomas decided that he just would let himself by surprised by this special seat, and the two made their way to the snack bar, enjoying the time they had here together.

When Tarja and Tuomas finally were allowed to enter the hall where the movie would be shown, Tuomas saw what kind of special seat Tarja had been talking about, and he gulped to himself. He glanced over at Tarja and saw the mischief look on her face; raising an eyebrow, he asked “Did you do this on purpose?” while he sat down in the cuddle seat and leaned his crutches against the wall behind him. Tarja sat down next to him and grinned, nodding. “Sure. This is our first date, there shouldn’t be an armrest between us…” she then whispered into his ear, making him smile a bit as well. “You’re right…” he then gave back, collecting all the courage he found inside himself to raise his arm and put it around her shoulders gently. As if she only had waited for that – and she probably had -, Tarja moved closer to him, snuggling up into his embrace. He smiled down on her, then the lights in the hall went out and the first advertisements appeared on the cinema screen. Both concentrated on the screen, Tarja resting her head on Tuomas’ shoulder while the advertisements ended and the movie previews began. She smiled to herself when he started to caress her upper arm and shoulder; by the time the movie finally started, she felt as relaxed and comfortable as one could feel. Glancing up at Tuomas shortly, she saw that he had a slight smile on his face as well, and the sight made her heart dance with joy. Stifling a happy sigh, Tarja looked back at the screen; the two watched the movie in silence without any special happenings, until it reached a romantic kissing scene. Tarja watched it for a few moments, the longing to kiss Tuomas like that growing in her heart; then, she felt his gaze on her and looked up at him. Their eyes met in the dark of the cinema hall, and without thinking about it much, he leaned down, capturing her lips with his. The kiss started slower and more innocent than the one that still was going on on the screen; then, Tarja deepened it slightly, feeling how a shudder ran through Tuomas’ body when her tongue entered his mouth. He put his free arm around her waist and caressed her back, for a moment forgetting the movie and that there were people who could watch them. Finally, after a sweet eternity, the two pulled apart again and smiled at each other in the dark, lost in their own private world, a world which was filled with love.

Two and a half hours later, Tarja and Tuomas were back in the nursing home. Even though Tarjas work time there was over already and she could have gone home, she didn’t want to; she felt as if she was walking on clouds since the kiss, and she was afraid that this feeling would stop if she left Tuomas alone now. So, it came that she walked to his room with him, stopping in front of the door and looking up at him. “Mind if I come in with you?” Tuomas smiled and shook his head; he opened the door, and both entered the room. They sat down on the bed, and Tarja snuggled up to Tuomas immediately again, letting out a happy sigh. Tuomas put his arms around her and held her close to himself, caressing her back gently. “Will you be with me forever?” he then softly asked, and she nodded. “And you?” she then returned the question. He nodded as well, giving her another one of his smiles. During the last days, he had smiled more often than in his entire life before, and it was something he liked. “Thank you”, he whispered into her ear all of a sudden, making her look at him with slight, honest surprise. “For what?” she then asked, and he tightened his hug around her a bit. “For making my sadness end”, he then told her, and the happiness she felt at this made her heart clench up for a second. “There’s nothing to thank me for”, she replied, gently kissing his cheek afterwards. “I’ll gladly give you all the happiness I can for the rest of my life…” “Hope I can do the same…” Tuomas mumbled, and she smiled at him once more. “Don’t worry… You do already.” She then whispered into his ear. She paused for a moment, then wrapped her arms around him as tight as she could and added: “And I love you…” Tuomas gulped for a moment; this was the first time someone told him this, and for a moment, he was awfully sure that he wouldn’t be able to tell her he felt the same. Then, the words left his mouth, and while he spoke them, he felt that they were as true and honest as words could be. “I love you too…” Smiling widely, Tarja leaned her head against his chest again, listening to his heartbeat; while he held her tight, he knew that now the sad times of his life really were over, and that he finally had found love and happiness.

End.

Two hours later, he sat at the table in Elenas kitchen, looking at her calmly while she raved at him about how he could dare to break up with her. He held back another sigh and took one more sip of his beer, waiting for her to finish her ranting so he could speak up again. When she finally fell silent, he held her gaze and softly replied to her, his voice still calm, even though her harsh reaction did scare him a bit. This had been a reason for their break-up which he had kept from his friends – she had scared him other times before as well, by reacting in a way too harsh and sometimes even violent way when something didn’t work out like she wanted it to. “Elena, I know this comes unexpected”, he started, “but it’s for the best, believe me… Things just can’t go on like that, and I decided to end it before things got even more unbearable.” “So you say I’m unbearable?” Elena snapped in reply, clenching her fists underneath the table. “That’s good to know…” Tuomas sighed and shook his head. “That’s not what I said, don’t turn my words around like that. You’re a nice and fine woman, and I’m sure you’ll find the man who’s right for you, but I’m not that man…” He trailed off and swallowed, his mouth suddenly surprisingly full of saliva. Frowning to himself, he took another, longer sip of the beer while Elena huffed and leaned back into her chair, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Sure”, she spoke sarcastically, “whatever you think… But you won’t get away so easily, Tuomas…” At under circumstances, this words would have scared him; he hadn’t even heard them fully though, since he suddenly concentrated hard to keep himself from dropping the bottle. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to keep the world from spinning, before he carefully and slowly placed the half emptied bottle on the table and rose to shaky feet. “I’ll go home now…” he brought out, his voice sounding as if it was coming from far, far away. “I don’t… feel… so…” His shaky legs gave in underneath him, and he collapsed to the ground; Elena rose from her seat calmly and smiled at him, standing above him while the world blackened around him, the last thing he saw before darkness swallowed him up being her scary smile.

It took almost an hour until he came back around, and when he did, the first thing he noticed was that he was awfully cold. The second thing that came to his realization was the fact that he laid on his back; and the third was the annoying sound of water dripping somewhere, falling with a steady noise. Groaning softly to himself, Tuomas slowly opened his eyes; he blinked twice, at first not sure if he really saw what he thought he was seeing, then came to accept the fact that he indeed laid in some kind of small, dark room. He wondered for a moment if he was in a hospital, as he slowly remembered that he had suffered some kind of collapse in Elenas kitchen; then, he noticed that this room was too cold, damp and dirty to be a hospital room, and a bright flame of fear welled up inside him, causing his stomach to cramp up. Suddenly close to panic, he tried to sit up; the fear he felt got even worse when he realized that something which felt like leather laid around his wrists and ankles, apparently keeping him strapped to the bed. His eyes went wide, and for a moment, he couldn’t even breathe, so heavy was the fear that weighed down on his heart; then, he forced it down with an almost amazing amount of willpower and yelled as loud as he could. “HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!” His scream echoed back from the damp walls, but other than that, no noises came; he remained silent for a while, trying to figure out if someone had heard him, then screamed again, as loud as he could. This time, he heard a reaction, and relief filled him when the sound of approaching footsteps came up. Moments later, the door that led out of the little room he had woken up in opened, and his heart sank again – it was Elena standing there, smiling at him. “Finally woken up, I see”, she then spoke, moving closer to the bed and stopping next to it. “Save your breath”, she advised, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and giving him another smile. “There’s no one around to hear you but me… and if you annoy me too much, I’ll just gag you.” “Let me go”, Tuomas gave back, trying to hold keep the fear out of his voice. “No”, the young woman replied casually. “I’ve been left often enough now, my sweet Tuomas… You won’t leave me like all the other guys did.” “What do you wanna do? Hold me captive here?” the keyboarder shot back, making Elena smile and nod. “Sure, why not? It’s working out fine so far… After all, you’re tied down here now…” At this, Tuomas jerked violently at the bonds that held him, gritting his teeth; Elena rose from the bed at his movements, watching him for a while with an amused glance. “Give it up”, she then advised him, smiling again. “Those bonds are the same which are used to hold down maniacs in the asylum… And those are a lot stronger than you.” “You should be tied with those, then!” Tuomas spat, his fear now turning into anger. “Let me go now, you maniac!” Suddenly, the eyes of the young woman darkened, and before Tuomas even had time to realize what she planned, she had smacked him harshly across the face, the sound of her flat hand meeting his cheek echoing through the small room. “Ow!” he cried out, more from shock than from pain; the pain only welled up a moment later, making his skin burn. “Watch how you are talking to me”, Elena now pressed out between angrily grit teeth, her eyes blazing, her whole posture showing how crazy she really was. “Mind that it’s you who’s tied down and helpless, not me… You’re depending on me… and you’ll learn that faster than you probably think.” With those words, she bent down and picked up a bottle of mineral water, smiling more calmly again now. “I intended to give this to you now”, she spoke, turning the bottle almost seductively between both hands. “The drug I put into your beer dries out the human body, and you might be quite thirsty…” Now that she had said that, Tuomas did notice how thirsty he was; his mouth felt awfully dry all of a sudden, his tongue thick and even a bit furry. He swallowed dryly, his gaze suddenly fixed to the water bottle Elena was still turning between the palms of her hands. “You really want this, huh?” she asked, making him nod slowly, even though something inside told him that she wouldn’t let him have it. “I figured…” Elena now went on, stopping her playing with the bottle and looking at him intensely – before she, again with shockingly fast moves, brought the bottle up and down, smashing it into the side of his chest, against his ribs. He yelped in pain, trying to move away from her when she lashed out again; the bonds kept him in place though, and he could only cry out in pain when she hit him for a second time, exactly on the same spot as before with painful aim. “You want that?” the young woman now yelled at him, unscrewing the lid so hectically that it flew off and landed on the floor, bouncing away and out of sight. “Take it then!” And with those words, she started to pour the water over him, soaking his hair, face, and chest before it went empty. “Hope you like”, she added sarcastically once the bottle had been emptied, throwing it aside carelessly. “Enjoy yourself now, I’ll leave you alone for a while so you can think about how you better should treat me…” With those words, she shot him another angered glance before she turned and left, slamming the door close on her way out, the sound of a key turning in its lock following moments later. Closing his eyes, Tuomas shivered slightly as the cold and damp air met the water on his face, hair and shirt; he tried to fight down his fear, pulling at the bonds that held him from time to time while he waited for her to come back.

She did come back after quite a while, almost two hours later; he didn’t have anything to measure the time, so all he had been able to do was look up at the ceiling and let his thoughts wander. He had tried to come up with a way to escape her crazy clutches while time had passed, without much success though; to his dismay, Tuomas had found out that Elena had been right about the leather belts that held him – no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t even make them loosen up a bit. When his wrists had started to hurt, he had given up on that; he knew that if he wanted to escape, he had to wait until she would untie him, even though he barely could come up with a reason for her to do that. His thoughts kept circling about his situation, and while he wondered if all he could do was lie there and wait for someone to find and save him, he heard her footsteps coming up again outside. His heart clenched, but he gave his best not to let his fear show, not wanting to give her this satisfaction. “I’m back”, Elena stated matter-of-factly as she entered the room, closing the door before she smiled at Tuomas heartily. “Feeling okay?” “I’m cold”, Tuomas gave back, slightly surprised at how steady he managed to keep his voice – he was scared to the bottom of his heart now, afraid of what she might to do him before someone found him. “Aw, poor you”, Elena cooed, her sickly sweet smile showing that she didn’t mean a word of that. “If you’re a good boy, I’ll get you a blanket…” “And how do you expect me to be a good boy?” Tuomas asked back, making her smile widen – and making her look even more insane. “Well… I’m planning to let you eat something now… and I don’t feel like feeding you so, I’ll free one of your hands… if you promise to be a good boy, that is.” “Okay”, Tuomas agreed after a well-considered pause; he feared that she might suspect something if he answered to fast. He knew that this was his chance to his escape; all he had to do was wait until his hand was free, then hit her as hard as he could and free himself fully. His heart sank again though when she pulled a pair of handcuffs from the back pocket of her jeans; she gave him another smile before she freed his feet and cuffed them together at the ankles. “Just to be at the safe side”, she winked, then got up and left the room to get his food, returning with it a few minutes later. After she had freed his hand, she handed the spoon to him, holding the plate with hot soup out to him; he started to eat slowly, knowing that at least this chance to escape had passed.  

After he had finished eating, she put the plate down on the ground, tying his hand to the bed again before she glanced down at his feet, obviously asking herself if she should leave them with the cuffs or if she should put the belts on them again. “What do you prefer?” she finally asked, looking at him. “Cuffs or belts?” “I’d prefer it if you’d let me go”, Tuomas gave back, making her shake her head. “That’s not an option, sorry. So what do you prefer?” “I don’t care”, Tuomas sighed out, knowing that talking wouldn’t get him anywhere. “Alright then…” Elena shrugged, giving him another smile. “Wait here then… I’ll be right back.” And with those words, she left the room; Tuomas let out another sigh, looking up at the ceiling again. As if I could go anywhere else… He raised his head to glance down on the glinting cuffs around his ankles, then let his gaze wander to the belt that laid tightly around his right wrist. He gave another testing pull, then let his head fall back on the damp pillow, shivering again at the cold feeling it gave him. He looked up again when Elena came back in, holding back a sigh when he saw the length of rope in her hand. He knew though that it was no use to fight, not as long as his hands were tied down, and so he just rested his head on the pillow again and let out the sigh he had been holding back before when she started to wrap the rope around the chain that connected the two cuffs, then tied the other end of the rope to the cast-iron foot end of the bed. “There”, she then spoke, sitting down on the edge of the bed and smiling. “All set…” She looked at him, the smile slowly fading from her face, the expression on her face not really calming for the young man. He knew that he had been right to worry when suddenly, she leaned down and kissed him, her lips cold and shockingly rough on his. He yelped, and she took the chance given to ram her tongue into his mouth, making him squirm in his bonds in disgust. His only possibility to fight back was to bite her, and this was what he did; he bit down on her lips and tongue as hard as he could, making her cry out in pain as she jerked back, blood dripping from her mouth. “You bastard!” she cried out, her voice shaking with rage. “Biting me, huh? You dare to bite me? I’ll teach you!” With those words, she hit him across the face as hard as he could; he yelped in pain, and while he still tried to regain his senses, she had stormed outside, only to hurry back into the room a minute later, a damp cloth in her hand. Tuomas’ eyes went wide when she pressed it on his nose and mouth roughly, grabbing a fistful of his hair with her other hand to keep him still; he groaned when he smelled the chemical scent that rose from the cloth, then the narcotic she had soaked it with started to do its job and he drifted off into darkness.

When he woke up again, the first thing he realized was that he laid on his side now, not on his back anymore; then, he noticed that his hands now were behind him, tied tightly behind his back. He groaned and tried to move, lowering his feet; his eyes going wide when a rope he hadn’t noticed before cut into his throat and choked him. Quickly, he brought his feet back up, until his heels almost touched his behinds; the choking rope around his throat loosened, and Tuomas realized how exactly Elena had tied him up while he had been unconscious. The rope which laid around his neck ran down along his back to his wrists, tying them tightly; from there, it went down to his ankles, securing them tightly as well. In the position he laid now, curled up on the bed, the rope wouldn’t hurt or choke him; if he would try to lower his feet though, he already had experienced what would happened. Gulping, Tuomas slowly tested out how far he could dare to put down his feet; only after a few centimetres, the rope cut into his throat again, and he quickly pulled his legs back up, his muscles already quivering at the amount of strength this cost him. God… If she doesn’t untie me soon, I’ll choke myself  for sure, the young man helplessly thought to himself, knowing he wouldn’t be able to hold this position for long – it strained him now already, and only a few minutes had passed. He closed his eyes, knowing that now, all he could hope for was that Elena would have mercy and release him before he killed himself. “Elena!” His voice echoed through the damp cellar, and he listened while the echo faded away, no response coming though. Taking in a deep breath, Tuomas yelled again, much louder this time. “Elena!” This time, there was a response; her footsteps came up outside, and moments later, she appeared in the doorway, smiling at him. “Woken up again, huh?” He nodded, looking at her pleadingly. “Yes… please, Elena, untie me”, he then spoke, making her chuckle. “Why should I?” she then asked while she entered the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You weren’t nice to me either, so why would I be nice to you now?” “I’m sorry for biting you”, Tuomas gave back, carefully choosing his words. “And it won’t happen again. But, if you want me to stay here with you, you at least have to get this rope from my throat… or else, I’ll choke and die.” “You promise not to bite me again?” Elena asked, leaning closer to him. He nodded, forcing himself to hold her gaze; the thought of kissing this crazy woman repelled him, but he’d rather let her put her tongue into his mouth than choke to death. “I promise”, he reassured her, and she smiled – before she suddenly grabbed the rope around his ankles and jerked it down, making the sling around his throat tighten. His eyes went wide as he gasped; he started to struggle, but her hold on him was too tight to allow him to pull his legs back up. Wheezing for air, he squirmed on the bed, the rope painfully tight around his neck; when his face started to redden, Elena let go of his legs again, and he immediately jerked them back up, gasping for air. “Remember this the next time you want to try something stupid”, the psychotic woman whispered to him while she removed the rope from his throat, leaving his hands and feet tied though. “I have a lot of other ways as well to make you do what I want…” “I’ll remember”, Tuomas panted out, the imprint the rope had left on his throat standing out against his pale skin brightly red by now. “Good”, Elena muttered, moving the length of rope that had laid around his neck up to the headboard of the bed and tying it to there, making sure he wouldn’t be able to get off the bed. “Now show me that you meant what you said”, she demanded once she had gotten done with that, leaning over him and kissing him deeply again. He let it happen this time; he just closed his eyes and tried to think about something else, with not much success though. He held back a sigh of relief when she finally pulled back; she smiled at him sweetly, obviously satisfied, then got up and left the room, to get him his dinner, as she had explained before leaving. Letting out the sigh he had held back before now, Tuomas rested his head on the pillow again and waited for her to come back, hoping and praying that someone would come to get him out of there soon. 

Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep… “Hello, this is Tuomas’ voicemail. I barely listen to that, so I suggest that instead of leaving a message, you try again later. If you insist on leaving a message though, talk after the beep.” Tarja sighed heavily, finally, after her fifth call, doing what Tuomas despised so much of – she left a message. “Hi Tuomas, it’s Tarja… I know you’ll probably get mad at me for leaving that message here, yes, I know you don’t like that, but hey… I’m worried… I’ve tried calling you five times already, please be a dear and call me back once you listened to that. Thanks!” She ended the call and sighed, staring at her cell phone, almost expecting it to ring any second; after almost two minutes, she gave up and put it aside, then laid down on the comfortable couch in her living room, looking up at the ceiling with her worry for Tuomas heavy on his heart. She knew that she probably was just overreacting; after all, he had just gone to break up with his girlfriend, and not had wandered off to fight in some kind of war. What could go wrong there, after all? Not much, Tarja decided; she hadn’t met Elena often, but when she had, the other woman had seemed nice and friendly, not exactly a person Tarja would be afraid of. Letting out a sigh, the young woman rolled over and ended up lying on her side, trying to concentrate on her TV while the worry that burdened her heart just wouldn’t get less. Stop rambling about that, she now told herself. They’re probably still talking, that’s why he can’t answer the phone. He’ll call you later and tell you exactly that, and you’ll be ashamed at how paranoid you got. Settling with this thought, she nodded to herself, finally allowing herself to concentrate on the TV fully; still, her eyes shifted over to the cell phone from time to time, but it remained silent.

Picking up the phone, Elena stared at it when it started to ring again; for a moment, she felt tempted to throw it against the wall, then decided it against it, since it only would raise suspicions if suddenly, it wouldn’t work anymore. Instead of ruining the phone, she waited until it stopped ringing, then put it down on the table again. Only moments later, it beeped twice again, making her jump; she snatched the small phone back up and stared at the display. 1 New VM Message. Frowning, Elena tried to figure out what VM could mean; then, it came to her, and she quickly started pushing buttons, until she had found the phone number of Tuomas’ voicemailbox. She called it, holding the phone to her, a frown appearing on her face again when Tarjas voice drifted through the line. Even though it annoyed and angered her, she listened to all of the message before she deleted it; then, she carefully put the phone back on the table, deciding to leave it there until the battery would run out on its own. She knew that people would come to her place and ask for Tuomas before this would happen; after all, she had known about his plans to break up with her as well, and had known that he had told his friends he would go to her and tell her the bad news. Smiling to herself, she grabbed the car keys she had removed from his pocket after the drug in his beer had knocked him out; then, she got up and left the house, knowing that her boyfriend was safely hidden away in the cellar. Outside, she got into his car and started the engine; moments later, she drove off into the night, leaving the dark and quiet house behind.

All Tuomas could do was lie on the bed and wait for Elena to come back; he was thirsty and cold, and his legs still hurt from the horrible time he had been forced to keep them up so he wouldn’t choke. He let out a sigh, trying to ignore the thirst and the rumbling in his stomach, his hunger seeming to grow stronger with every minute that passed. He rolled on his back and from this position on his other side, the rope around his neck tightening to a moment before it loosened again. He wondered silently what had kept her from bringing his dinner; down there in the cellar, he hadn’t heard his phone ring, only had heard the engine of a car starting in front of the house and driving off. He had figured out though that she was taking his car away; sooner or later, someone would come to her place to look for him, and if his car was parked in front of her house then, it wouldn’t look too good. He sighed again, looking at the damp wall since there was nothing else he could do; from time to time, he tried to move his wrists and fingers a bit, trying to keep his hands from going numb – they had been tied behind his back for quite some time now. One more sigh escaped him, and he tried to ignore his hunger, his thirst and the cold that surrounded him while he waited for Elena to come back.

It took almost another hour until she came back at last, to his relief carrying a bottle of water and a plate with steaming food on it. “Sorry I was gone for so long”, she spoke, placing the water and the food on the little table she had put up next to the bed, making it possible for him to see what she had brought him – noodles with what looked like out-of-the-can tomato sauce. His stomach roared in hunger when his eyes fell on the food, even though he normally wasn’t too fond of those already fully done sauces – they tasted way too artificial for his liking. Elena smiled at the noise his stomach made, looking at him almost lovingly. “Hungry, huh?” Tuomas just nodded in reply; he wanted to ask her where she had been, but didn’t dare to, fearing that it might get mad at her. She smiled at him once more, then bent down and picked up a heavy and long iron chain. Tuomas held back a sigh when she wrapped it around his ankles, then fastened it to the bedpost, making sure he wouldn’t get away before she freed his hands and removed the rope from his throat. She helped him to sit up, then handed the plate and a fork to him. “Thanks”, he muttered, starting to eat. Elena leaned back in her chair and watched him for a while, then finally spoke up. “You’re probably dying to know where I was, right?” He nodded slightly, taking another mouthful of the noodles while she smiled at him again and spoke on. “I hid your car… It’s in a very safe place now. It would look odd if someone comes here to ask for you and sees your car in front of my house, don’t you think?” “Yes, it would”, Tuomas muttered, “but it might not help… My friends know that I went to your place…” “I know that they know”, Elena replied smugly, and Tuomas froze, the fork stopping halfway between the plate and his mouth. He stared at her, and she laughed heartily. “I heard how you told them you’d break up with me in the studio”, she then explained, and all he could do was keep staring at her. “How do you think I got to spice your beer with the tranquilizer before you came here?” she went on, and he gulped heavily, his appetite and hunger suddenly gone. “And now, when some of your fine friends or even police comes here, I’ll tell them you never arrived here… too bad…” “You’re crazy”, Tuomas whispered, the face of the woman next to him darkening immediately at hearing that. “No”, she replied icily, “I planned well, that’s all. And I think you ate enough…” With those words, she snatched the plate from him and put it out of reach, but he didn’t pity that; his appetite was gone anyway. “Can I have a drink now please?” he asked instead of commenting the reduction of food, glancing at the bottle longingly. Elenas anger seemed to fade, since she smiled again; his relief got washed away when she leaned closer him. “Sure… but only if you kiss me”, she then told him, and he gulped again. For a moment he was tempted to decline that, but he was too thirsty and too scared of her to really pull this through; so, after another moment of hesitation, he nodded, and she beamed at him before she kissed him deeply. Disgusted and repelled, he responded to the kiss, knowing that this was what she wanted; again, he tried to imagine that he was at some place far away, only to be pulled back into reality harshly when she grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled it. He yelped into her mouth, squeezing his eyes shut in pain, bringing his hands up and trying to pus her away; for this, she rewarded him by pulling back from the kiss and smacking him hard across the face. “What did I tell you about behaviour?” she then snarled, and he quickly muttered out an apology. “Good”, Elena grumbled, obviously calming down again while she handed the water bottle to him. He unscrewed its lid hastily and drank a few fast gulps, then Elena took the bottle away from him. “Lie down and put your hands above your head”, she ordered, and after a heavy sigh, he obeyed. She leaned forward to pick up the handcuffs she had placed on the ground next to the bed, and a silver glinting object slid out of her jeans pocket unnoticed by her, falling to the ground. Tuomas’ eyes darted from the thing on the ground, which looked suspiciously like a key, to the lock that held the chain around his ankles; while Elena came up again, he realized that this was his chance now, it was now or never. Still he forced himself to wait until she bent over him to secure his wrists with the handcuffs; when she reached for his hands, he clasped them into a tight fist and hit her with all his might, making her yelp while she stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. She groaned and tried to sit up again, but Tuomas ignored her; he bent forward as much as he could, grasping the small key. It took him only a second to unlock the chain around his ankles, and moments later, he jumped up from the bed and ran out of the room. Outside in the hallway, he looked left and right, lost for a moment; then, he remembered how her cellar was built and silently thanked God that she had sent him down here for some wine a while ago while he started to run down the hallway, hearing her footsteps behind him. “Get back here right now!” she screeched, but this only made him speed up more. He didn’t waste his breath on yelling something back at her; he didn’t even look back, only kept running, the stairway that would lead upstairs appearing in front of him. He started to run up the stairs, panting by now; when he had climbed half of the stairway, something heavy suddenly smacked his back, and he stumbled, yelping in surprise. Now, he did turn his head to look back; he saw the bottle of water Elena had thrown after him bounce down the stairs, and then she was right behind him, her fingers grabbing the back of his shirt. He yelped when she yanked at the fabric as hard as she could, making him loose his balance; moments later, he had tumbled down the stairs, ending up at their bottom, groaning and curling up in pain. He could feel something warm and sticky run down his face; while he still figured out that it was blood, she was above him, and her foot crashed against his already battered head, sending him off into darkness.

When he woke up again, the first thing he noticed was how much his head hurt; the second realization was that other parts of his body hurt as well. “Woke up at last?” Elenas cold voice made him open his eyes, and they widened visibly when he realized that his hands were tied down with the belts again. His legs weren’t held by them though; instead, two lengths of rope had been tied over his upper legs and his shins, holding them down on the bed spread apart. “I was waiting for you to wake up”, Elena now spoke, smiling a strangely cold smile at him. “It’s only half as useful if you’re unconscious…” “What is?” Tuomas croaked out, his eyes widening even more when she bent down and picked up a long and thick log of wood. “You’ve seen Misery, I guess…” she stated while she carefully placed the wood between his ankles, making his breath start to go faster until he almost hyperventilated. “No”, he croaked out, sweat forming on his brow. “No, Elena, please don’t do this…” “Sorry, my darling”, Elena replied, giving him another one of those strange smiles. “I want you to stay here with me… so I’ll have to make sure you can’t run away again…” With those words, she raised a heavy hammer; its steel head glistened threateningly in the weak light of the cellar room. He still had time to read the brand name engraved on the hammer’s head; he never would forget this word, would never forget the sight of the hammer up in the air. “Elena, no, please!” Tuomas cried out while she moved to the side of the bed, lifting the hammer up to her shoulder. “It won’t take too long”, she then spoke, looking at him lovingly. “Just grit your teeth and get through it, honey…” “Please don’t do this”, Tuomas whimpered, trying to move away from her, the belts and ropes holding him in place though. “Elena please, I promise I’ll be good, just don’t do this, Elena, for God’s sake!” The last words came out in a panicked yell when she raised the hammer, the muscles of her upper arms bulging when she lifted it high above her head. “Elena please!” Tuomas still managed to cry out, then the hammer came down, hitting the outer side of his right ankle. The sound of the bones breaking echoed through the small room while his foot got thrown aside; a white bolt of pain flashed up his leg and right into his brain. For a moment, he couldn’t even scream, too big was the pain and the shock; then, he yelled, yelled so loudly that the veins at his neck stood out and his face reddened. While his scream still echoed from the cellar rooms, Elena calmly walked around the bed, stopping at his other foot; she lifted the hammer again, looking at him soothingly. “Almost done”, she then spoke before the hammer came down again, smashing his other ankle as well. His screams got even louder, even though Elena wouldn’t have though that this was possible; he writhed in the bed, his eyes squeezed shut, a mixture of sweat and tears running down his face before his eyes suddenly opened and rolled back into his head. His head fell aside as he passed out, and with a sigh, Elena put the hammer on the ground, gently moving a sweaty strand of hair from his face before she removed the log of wood and carried both the hammer and the wood outside.

The ringing of the doorbell disturbed the calm time Elena spent after breaking Tuomas’ ankles, and with a frown, she put the book she had been reading aside and rose from her chair. She made her way over to the door and peeked through the spyhole, her frown deepening when she saw who stood in front of it. Still she opened, smiling her sweetest – and sanest – smile at the woman in front of her. “Tarja! How nice to see you. Can I do something for you?” “Well”, Tarja replied, fidgeting nervously from one foot to the other as she spoke, “I was wondering if you’ve seen Tuomas lately… he’s not been at his home for two days now, and he doesn’t answer his phone…” “Sorry, I haven’t seen him since last weekend”, Elena gave back, hiding her lie perfectly well. “You didn’t?” Tarja asked in surprise. “But… he told us in the studio that he wanted to go to your place when we saw him for the last time…” “Oh, really?” Elena asked back, faking surprise. “No, he didn’t come here… last time I saw him was on Saturday, after we had been to cinema…” “Ok”, Tarja sighed out, running one hand through her long black hair. “I just hope nothing happened to him…” “So do I”, Elena sighed out. “Call me if you know anything, ok?” Tarja nodded, then said her goodbye to the other woman and left, making her way to her car. While she drove away from the small house, her thoughts circled around Tuomas; something about Elenas behaviour had seemed odd to her, but she just couldn’t figure out what it had been. Then, it hit her, and she sat up straight in the seat of her car, her eyes going wide. She hasn’t been worried at all… She said that she hopes nothing happened to him too when I said so, but she didn’t show a sign of worry! Shouldn’t she be worried sick if her boyfriend just vanishes into thin air? And she didn’t call me to ask if we’ve seen him… Driving over to the right, Tarja stopped her car and dug out her cell phone, quickly browsing through the phone numbers she had saved on it until she found Emppus. She pushed the “Call” button and was glad when he took the call right after the first ring; it seemed that he had been sitting right next to his phone, probably waiting for news from her since she had told the guys that she would go and ask Elena if she had seen the keyboarder. “Did she see him?” he asked immediately, his face falling when Tarja declined. “She said no… but, Emppu, I got a question… Did she call you and ask if you have seen him?” “No”, Emppu gave back, sounding surprised. “No, she didn’t… Why?” “Well… she didn’t seem too worried about Tuomas’ disappearance…” Tarja gave back, wondering for a moment if she was getting paranoid. Her worries disappeared when Emppu replied, she could almost hear the frown on his face as he spoke. “Really? How odd… you should think that she’d be sick with worry when her boyfriend just disappears…” “My thoughts exactly!” Tarja cried out, glad that she wasn’t the only one thinking like this. “I’ll call Jukka and Marco and ask if she contacted them…” she then added, and the guitarist agreed before he made her promise that she would call him as soon as she knew something. She promised him that she would, then ended the call, quickly finding Jukkas number and calling there. Jukka told her that Elena hadn’t asked him either, and the same information came from Marco; only twenty minutes after those calls, she had talked to Emppu again, and settled a date for a meeting of all the band members so they could discuss the happenings together and in peace. Emppu informed Jukka and Marco, and both men found time to come to Tarjas place in an hour; their worry for Tuomas laid on their hearts heavily while they all got away from their homes, making their way to the home of the singer.

“That’s really odd”, Tarja commented one hour and ten minutes later, after the guys had arrived at her home and she had brought drinks for all of them. “I mean, if my boyfriend – if I had one – would vanish from one day to the other, I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. And Elena just didn’t seem to be worried at all… she was surprised when I told her that we haven’t seem him since he left the studio, but only that!” “Something’s not as it seems, that’s obvious”, Marco threw in, running one hand through his braided beard deep in thought. “I doubt though that going there and asking Elena about her lack of worry will help with anything…” “And if we go there when she’s not around?” Jukka asked, making Tarja look at him in shock. “You want to break into her house?” The drummer nodded, and the singer frowned slightly. “I don’t know if this is such a good idea… What do you expect us to find there?” she then asked, and Jukka shrugged. “I don’t know. Some clues maybe… I think that she has her hands in Tuomas’ disappearance.” “Could be…” Tarja mumbled, then suddenly nodded as a fierce expression entered her eyes. “Okay then”, she agreed. “I’ll go there and wait until she leaves… and then I’ll sneak in. I got a key to her house, she gave it to me when she drove away for holiday with Tuomas so I can water her plants.” “It’s not even breaking in then”, Emppu smirked, and the other three agreed before they started to go into the details of their plan.

An hour later, Tarjas car stood parked safely out of sight, her eyes fixed on the house of Tuomas’ girlfriend. So far, nothing special had happened; once, the light in the cellar had been turned on, had stayed like that for twenty minutes and then had been turned off again. Tarja didn’t know that Elena had gagged Tuomas in that time, to make sure that he wouldn’t be able to yell while she was out with a good friend; if she had known, she would have been horrified, but also relieved, seeing that she would have known also about Tuomas’ whereabouts then. The young woman was hanging in the seat of her car by then, bored to the bone; she sat up straight though when the front door opened and Elena stepped out. Watching closely, the black haired woman saw how Elena got into her car and drove off; as soon as the car was out of sight, Tarja jumped out of hers and rushed to the front door. She quickly unlocked it and entered the house after looking left and right, carefully closing the door behind herself again before she walked down the hallway, peeking into the various rooms from there. In the living room, something lying on the table caught her attention; she hurried over, and her blood froze when she saw that it was Tuomas’ cell phone. “Tuomas?” she now called out, walking out of the living room and up the stairs into the second floor. “Tuomas! Are you here?” She listened closely before she climbed the rest of the stairs, not hearing the soft groans and moans in the cellar despite her widely opened ears.

Tuomas writhed on the bed as far as the pain in his broken ankles and the ties that held him allowed it, groaning into the cloth Elena had stuffed into his mouth weakly. He could hear Tarja call out to him upstairs, in the first floor of the building; he tried to yell louder, without any avail though, the gag silencing him effectively. Tears filled his eyes when he heard Tarjas footsteps as she came back down from the second floor, right above the room where he was kept; he yelled into the gag as loud as he could, the cloth muffling most of his scream though, sobbing helplessly when he heard the front door fall close again. No… Don’t go away… get me out of here, please… Please…

Sighing, Tarja locked the door again, looking up and down the street asking herself if she maybe had missed something. She didn’t know that the entrance to the cellar of the house was quite hidden, and now she wondered if this was one of the cellars which were accessed from the outside. Slowly, she wandered away from the front door and around the house, passing the window where she had seen light before. A weak groan came from the window, and Tarja stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes going wide. Glancing down, she got a small glimpse of a small dirty room through the cellar window; when she knelt down so she could see better, her eyes fell on a bed, and her heart nearly jumped up to her throat. On the bed, Tuomas laid, looking at her; there were tears glistening on his cheeks, and the ropes over his legs and the leather around the wrist she could see showed that he wasn’t here on his own free will, just like the thick gag in his mouth did. “Tuomas!” she cried out, shocked, coming to her feet again and rushing back to the front door. She almost dropped the key when she tried to unlock it, so badly her hands were shaking; after another try, the door was opened, and Tarja rushed through the house, looking for the door that led into the cellar. After a minute of panicked looking around, Tarja finally found it; she quickly pushed it open and rushed down the stairs. She quickly found the room where Tuomas was kept and knelt down next to the bed, pulling the gag from his mouth. “Tarja…” he immediately croaked out, fresh tears running down his cheeks. “Please, get me out of here, she’s crazy, she’s insane, she keeps me prisoner here and she hurt me and she broke my ankles and…” “What?” Tarja interrupted him, shocked, her gaze darting down to his legs. Her eyes fell on the swollen and somehow strange looking feet of her friend, and suddenly, she choked on tears as well. “Oh my God, Tuomas…” she whispered out, her fingers working on the leather belt around his right wrist without her even fully noticing. “It’s okay now, I’ll get you out, you’ll be okay again”, she spoke to him while she freed one of his hands, then moved to the other one. “Just a minute, then I’ll get you out of here…” “Oh no, you won’t!” Tarja just had time to look up in shock, then the log of wood Elena had used to break Tuomas’ ankles came down at her, hitting the side of her face with a horrible dull sound. Crying out in pain, Tarja fell over, blood gushing from cuts on her forehead and cheek, her hand coming up and finding the hurt spot. Elena didn’t waste any time; she brought up the log of wood again to hit the singer once more, but this time, Tuomas interfered. He threw himself forward as much as the ropes over his legs and his hurting ankles allowed him, managing to grab the back of her shirt. “Leave her alone!” he yelled, his voice almost cracking due to the hysteric state he now found himself in. He tightened his grip on her shirt with all his might and pulled harshly, making her stumble back; her legs hit the bed and she fell, landing on his legs with all her weight. Screaming, Tuomas fell back on the bed, sweat breaking out on his brow again while a bright flame of pain shot up from his ankles. He never had known that it was possible to sweat from pain, but now he learned that it was, and it was an experience he gladly could have relinquished. At hearing Tuomas yell, Tarja snapped out of her halfway unconscious state; she managed to come to her feet, grabbing the log of wood Elena still held and jerking it out of her hands while the other woman tried to regain her balance. Since she was not as cold-hearted as the psychotic woman was, Tarja couldn’t bring herself to hit her in the face with the wood; instead, she swung it lowly, aiming at the stomach of the other woman. She put all her strength into the hit, and it knocked the air out of Elena, making her gasp before she doubled over and fell to her knees. “Knock her out!” Tuomas screamed, his panic clearly audible in his voice. “Knock her out, kill her, kill her!” Tarja didn’t plan to kill Elena like Tuomas wanted her to, but the knocking out thing sounded good to her, and so, she swung the wood again, this time hitting the back of the other woman. Elena yelped and fell down flat on her face; her hand moved the ground aimlessly, until it got a hold of one of the chains she had planned to use on Tuomas later on. With a tremendous burst of power, and a horrid scream, she flung the chain upwards; good luck for her and bad luck for Tarja wanted it that the cold iron smacked the face of the singer, making her stumble back with a pain filled yelp while blood dripped from a new wound at her upper lip. “I won’t let him take you away from me”, Elena panted out while she came to her feet again. “He’s mine!” She flung the chain at Tarja again, but this time, the young woman had time to react; she brought up the log of wood in defence, and the chain wrapped around its upper end. Tarja jerked the wood backwards with all her might, and the chain flew out of Elenas hands, dangling on the cold ground. The singer didn’t waste her time though with thinking about that; instead, she smashed the wood at the other woman again, this time hitting her on the head, her scruples suddenly gone. This last hit did it; Elena let out a strange gurgling noise and fell over, hitting the ground hard and remaining there motionless. All of this had not even taken a full minute; now, Tarja lowered the wood she still held, then dropped it, panting heavily, while Tuomas sobbed on the bed in relief. “Thank God, thank God…” he choked out over and over and while Tarja made her way to the bed, quickly untying his legs. She used the ropes she gained with that to tie Elena up safely, then told Tuomas that she would be right back before she rushed upstairs and called an ambulance and the police; downstairs, Tuomas kept crying, knowing that he finally was out of here now while Elena remained on the ground unconscious, her plans to keep him here with her failed.

The ambulance and the police car arrived only five minutes later, and almost at the same time. Tarja was waiting in the cellar, next to the bed Tuomas still laid on; when the ambulance men entered the room, they were shocked to see the state the young man was in. “I thought such things only happen in movies”, one of them commented while they carefully lifted Tuomas from the bed and on the stretcher they had brought. Neither Tarja, nor the keyboarder commented this remark; Tarja just held Tuomas’ hand, ignoring her own wounds and the pain which spread from them, trying to give the badly hurt keyboarder some comfort while the ambulance men carried the stretcher outside and carefully up the stairs. They loaded it into the ambulance car while two policemen dragged out a yelling and spitting Elena, both of them struggling with the fight the by now handcuffed woman put up; Tarja looked at her for a moment, their eyes meeting; then, she looked away again and down on the young man again, squeezing his hand gently. Tuomas laid on the stretcher motionlessly, his eyes closed; when Tarja squeezed his hand, he looked at her momentarily, smiling weakly before he closed his eyes again, drifting off into unconsciousness.

 A while later, Tarja sat in one of the rooms at the hospital, a young doctor sitting opposite to her, cleaning and bandaging the wounds Elena had inflicted on her. She hissed in pain when the doctor cleaned the cut on her cheek with some disinfecting liquid, then carefully put a band-aid over it, smiling at her. “You’re lucky”, he then stated, “none of those wounds need any stitches.” “Thank God”, Tarja muttered in reply, then shooting a pleading glance at the doctor. “Can I see Tuomas now?” “Sorry, but we are not done treating him yet”, the doctor replied. “You can see him as soon as he is in his room…” “Okay”, Tarja sighed out, obviously bothered by that, but accepting it. She rose from the seat and grimaced at the short nausea and dizziness the motion gave her, then steadied herself and left the room where she had been treated, meeting up with Emppu, Jukka and Marco outside. “Are you okay?” all three of them immediately called out at spotting her, their eyes filling with concern when they sat the band-aids on her face and the bandage wrapped around her head, all of those medical appliances not able to hide the bruise that had formed on the left side of her face. “I’m fine”, she calmed them down, “she didn’t hurt me badly… just some cuts and bruises. I guess I paid her back more than enough…” She sat down next to the guys, letting out a heavy sigh while she did so. “They’re almost done with taking care of Tuomas”, Emppu informed her, taking his seat again as well. “We can see him as soon as they are done…” “I know, the doctor told me”, Tarja muttered out. “Man… I can’t believe that this crazy woman held him captive like that…” “Neither can I”, Marco agreed. “God knows what she would have done to him if you hadn’t gone there to look for him…” “She did enough already in the short time she had him there…” Tarja mumbled in reply, the image of Tuomas’ horrible swollen ankles coming up in front of her inner eye again. She shivered slightly, wrapping her arms around herself as she suddenly felt cold. Emppu eyed her worriedly, then sighed heavily, shaking his head. “We shouldn’t have let you go there alone”, he stated, making Marco and Jukka nod in agreement. “Oh please”, Tarja replied, giving them a weak smile, “no one could know that she really would keep him prisoner there… I barely believed it myself when I saw him tied to that bed…” “I imagine”, Jukka mumbled. “Wow… I’m glad that you managed to defeat this maniac”, he then admitted, looking at Tarja with slight admiration in his eyes. “I never knew you were such a talent in fighting…” “Neither did I know”, Tarja giggled out, then grimaced as her cuts hurt at the facial expression. “But I didn’t have much of a choice… I doubt she would have had scruples to kill me if I hadn’t fought back.” “Probably not”, Emppu agreed, then looked over to the door of the emergency room, where Tuomas was treated. “I wonder how much longer they will keep him in there…” he mumbled, making the other two guys and Tarja nod in worry before all of them leaned back into their seats, waiting for the time to pass and for Tuomas to be brought out of the ER.

It took another two hours until the doors finally opened and a stretcher was rolled out, the keyboarder lying on it motionlessly. Immediately, Tarja, Emppu, Marco and Jukka jumped up from their seats, relieved that their friend finally was out of the ER, but at the same time worried as the operation had taken almost three hours. The doctor who had treated Tuomas spotted the four people and moved over to them, introducing himself as Dr. Vartannen. “How is Tuomas?” Tarja immediately asked once the doctor was done telling them who he was, making him look at her. “Well”, he then replied, “it will take quite some time until his legs are fully healed again – we estimate four to six weeks for that. After that, he’ll need to go into rehabilitation therapy. And after a year has passed, he’ll have to come here again so we can remove the metal implants from his ankles.” “Metal implants?” Emppu gasped, making the doctor nod. “Yes… His ankles were broken quite badly, almost smashed. It would be too insecure to just put them into a cast and hope that they will heal, so we strengthened them with metal implants and bandaged them tightly. This also reduces the risk for thromboses.” “I read about that”, Marco threw in, making the doctor smile at him momentarily before he looked at all of the group again. “If you want to, you can go and see Mr Holopainen now. I advise you not to stress him, and not to speak about what brought him here. He might have gained severe psychological trauma due to the incident, and we will send a psychologist to treat him first thing next morning.” The band members nodded at that, then thanked the doctor for the information before they all made their way to Tuomas’ room. Tarja knocked the door there carefully before she opened it and peeked inside. Tuomas, laid comfortably on a white bed, turned his head to see who entered; he smiled weakly when he saw that his friends were the ones standing in the door, then motioned at them slightly to come in. They all entered, immediately spotting the thick pillow that kept Tuomas’ feet a bit higher than the rest of his body, as well as the thick bandages wrapped around both his feet. “Hey”, Emppu smiled, giving his best to look cheerful and not to stare at his hurt ankles. “Hey”, Tuomas mumbled in reply, his voice sounding slightly slurred; the others figured that this was caused by the painkillers he had been given and didn’t comment about it. Pulling over two chairs, Marco and Jukka sat down; Tarja placed herself in Marcos lap after he had invited her too, and Emppu crouched next to the bed, this making him even smaller than he already was. “How do you feel?” Tarja asked once she had settled herself comfortably in the lap of the bassist, reaching out and carefully taking Tuomas’ hand. He smiled at her weakly when she squeezed his hand gently, then shrugged. “Felt better before… I’m just glad I’m out of there…” He shuddered visibly at the memory of being tied up in Elenas cellar, then seemed to push the thoughts aside, since the dark expression vanished from his eyes. He glanced at Tarja, the expression of his face softening. “Thank you so much for me getting me out”, he softly spoke. “I never would have made it on my own… Especially not after she did this to me…” With those words, he glanced down on his bandaged feet and grimaced, making the other four do the same. “Poor you”, Marco showed sympathy, then elegantly changed the topic to a lighter one, keeping up to the advise of Tuomas’ doctor. “Well, I heard that you’ll spend some time here, so we better get you comfortable”, he smiled, making the others nod, glad that the talk had been moved away from Elena and her psychotic doings. “Anything special you want?” “Books”, Tuomas immediately replied, “and some music… it’d be nice if you could get my MP3 player from my home…” “Sure”, Tarja smiled, “I still got the spare keys you gave me so  I could feed Nauskis when you went hiking…” “Great”, Tuomas gave back, returning her smile weakly. “We’ll get that stuff right after we left here and bring it to you tomorrow”, Emppu promised. “Until then, you can borrow my player, I don’t need it tonight!” “Aw, thank you”, the keyboarder replied, taking the small MP3 player when the blonde man handed it to him. He studied it for a moment, then placed it on the small nightstand before he leaned back into his pillow. He sighed and closed his eyes, the painkillers he had been given making him slightly woozy and quite tired. “We’ll let you get some rest now”, Tarja spoke, getting the hint he gave them with his position. “We’ll be back tomorrow…” Forcing his eyelids open again, Tuomas looked at  her and smiled as he nodded; she rose from Marcos lap to hug him shortly, then the four people left the hospital room, giving Tuomas the time he needed to get some rest. When the door closed behind them, the keyboarder closed his eyes again, eager to get some rest now; his eyelids flew open again though when he suddenly heard footsteps shuffling over the linoleum floor, approaching his bed, and he saw that it was her, the maniac who had kept him prisoner, and she had the hammer again, she was showing this insane smile again, her smile telling that this time she would break more than just his ankles, oh yes, she would break every bone she would be able to break before he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and would die… Letting out a strangled groan through his tight throat that should have been a scream, Tuomas almost smashed his hands in front of his eyes, counting silently to ten before he dared to take his hands down again and look. Of course, the room was empty; no one was there but him. Just when he let out a relieved sigh and sank back into the pillow, his heartbeat slowing down again, the door opened, and Elena stepped in, smiling at him sickeningly sweet. This time, the scream did come out; he made the unsuspecting nurse jump back in shock before she slowly poked her head back in, giving him time to realize that her hair was red, not brunette like Elenas, and that she was slimmer than the psychotic woman. “I’m… I’m sorry…” he brought out, but she only smiled at him, and he figured that she knew what had brought him here. “Don’t worry”, she spoke, stepping into the room fully. “You must be tired, but we were asked to prepare some dinner for you, in case you are hungry…” “Thanks”, Tuomas smiled weakly, glad that the nurse didn’t seem too freaked out. He watched how she put the tray with the light dinner on the nightstand, then she wished him a good night and left the room, carefully closing the door behind herself. Tuomas sighed and leaned over to the tray on the nightstand, looking at what the nurse had brought him. It was only simple food, nothing too fat or too stuffing; he figured that the hospital staff feared Elena had let him starve and now didn’t want to overstrain his stomach. He sighed again, not really feeling hungry, but knowing that he should eat something anyway; he carefully picked the tray up and placed it in his lap, looking at his bandaged ankles once more before he started to eat. He ate it all up, feeling a bit like a good boy when he put the now empty tray on the nightstand. His ankles throbbed and pulsed by now, and for a moment, he considered calling for the nurse and asking for another painkiller; then, he decided otherwise, knowing that the strong stuff he needed was based on Morphine and that this could get him addicted faster than he would realize it. He laid back on the pillow and closed his eyes; moments later, he was fast asleep, the room quiet except for his long, calm breaths.

To his relief, he slept peacefully until the next morning dawned, and only woke up when the door to his room opened and his doctor entered. He blinked sleepily, making the elder man smile at him while he made his way to the bed. “Sorry for waking you up”, he then stated, “but it’s time for your injection.” Tuomas sighed and nodded, watching how the doctor carefully moved the blanket aside and exposed his legs. He held back another sigh at the sight of his still swollen ankles, then forced himself to hold still while the doctor carefully injected the clear liquid that would prevent thrombosis into both of his calves. He grimaced a bit when he felt the liquid enter his blood and spread there; finally, the doctor was done and put the emptied syringe into the pocket of his coat before he smiled at the keyboarder. “How do you feel today?” he then asked, sitting down next to the bed. “Ok, I guess…” Tuomas replied, shifting slightly on the mattress. “My ankles hurt, but I don’t want to take too many painkillers…” “I imagine”, the doctor replied, “I guess you know that they are based on Morphine?” Tuomas nodded, making the elder man smirk. “Well, I can give you a lighter one without that stuff”, he then offered. “It might not get you fully pain-free, but it’ll be better than nothing.” “That’d be great”, Tuomas sighed out, and the doctor smiled at him once more before he got up, explaining he would get the pills right now. Tuomas nodded at that, leaning back into the pillow and closing his eyes while the elder man left the room. For a while, there was silence; Tuomas let his thoughts wander, keeping them safely away though from Elena and her cellar room. He halfway had dozed off when the doctor came back, his mind by now entering forbidden areas; he frowned slightly in his half-sleep, making the doctor look at him with a raised eyebrow. The elder man reached for his patient, carefully putting one hand on his shoulder; on the path to dreamland, Tuomas was suddenly convinced that it was Elena touching him, and his eyes flew open. Before he even realized what he was doing, he lashed out, his arm meeting the doctor’s ribcage and making the elder man yelp, more with surprise than with pain though. The sound of the doctors voice made Tuomas come back fully from his dozing state, and his eyes went wide. “Oh my God, I’m sorry”, he called out, shocked. “I didn’t mean to… I thought… Oh, dear…” “It’s okay”, his doctor replied, smiling slightly despite the bit of pain he felt. “I understand your reaction, considering the situation before you were brought to here. Don’t worry.” “Thanks…” Tuomas mumbled, watching how the doctor then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package of pills. “Those are the painkillers I talked about”, he explained, handing the pack to him. “This is a sample package, it contains four of those little helpers. I advise you to take two now and two before you go to sleep.” “Thank you so much”, Tuomas sighed out, obviously relieved. He carefully opened the package and got two of the pills out, gulping them down with a few sips of water before he leaned back into the pillow again. The doctor gave him another smile, then started his routine check on the keyboarders ankles, and his vital functions; he soon was done and left him alone again, Tuomas falling back into sleep only minutes after his doctor had left.

He got torn out of his sleep again only an hour later, when the nurse entered with his breakfast. Right behind her, Tarja stepped into the room, smiling at him while the young nurse put the tray with his food down on the nightstand, wished him a good appetite and left the room again. Tuomas returned Tarjas good morning greeting, and the singer sat down while he moved the tray in his lap and started to cut one of the bread rolls open. “How are you today?” Tarja asked, watching how her friend started to spread butter and marmalade on the bread roll while he answered her. “Ok… The doctor gave me some light painkillers, so the pain is not that bad, and I slept well.” “Good to hear”, Tarja smiled, moving closer to the bed while the keyboarder carefully poured milk and sugar into his coffee. “I want you fit for my cellar…” Tuomas flinched visibly, the milk flying from the little can in his hand and landing on the tray while he stared at her shocked. “W-what…?” Tarja seemed just as shocked as him, since she stared back him with wide eyes while she slowly repeated her former sentence. “I said I want you fit and better… Are you sure you are okay?” Tuomas nodded slowly, holding back the urge to close his eyes and let out a long breath. He knew that those hallucinations only showed the trauma he had gained thanks to his ex-girlfriend, and that they would vanish with some professional help, but still they scared him to no end. “Just misheard you”, he then added, picking up the napkin and using it to wipe up the milk he had spread on the tray. “I see…” Tarja replied, wondering what exactly he had heard before she smiled at him again, pushing her worries aside. “Well… Did your doctor say anything about when you are allowed to get out of bed? I thought that maybe, we can get you out into the garden with a wheelchair… so you don’t have to lie around in here all day…” “I didn’t ask him yet”, Tuomas replied, “but that sounds like a nice idea…” “I know”, Tarja winked, leaning back into her chair. “And until the doc allows you to get into the garden, the guys will bring you some books so you are not that bored… I brought you something too.” With those words, she reached down to the ground, bringing up a plastic bag moments later and handing it to the young man. Curiously, Tuomas reached inside, feeling a cardboard box; he frowned before he pulled it out, his eyes going wide. “Oh my, Tarja, you are crazy!” he called out, staring from the newly bought PSP at the singer, who smiled at him. “Nah… Just want to keep you from getting crazy with boredom”, she then smirked. “I got you some games and movies for it too, I hope you’ll like them…” Dumbstruck, Tuomas looked into the bag again, discovering the smaller boxes that held the games and movies she had been talking about. “You’re crazy”, he repeated, making the singer giggle. “I’ll pay it back…” the keyboarder added after another moment of struck silence, making Tarja shake her head energetically. “No way. This is a present for you, so you won’t pay it back.” Tuomas looked at her with a mixture of being touched and being shocked, and she smiled, reaching out and touching his hand briefly. “Just accept it as a present”, she then softly spoke, “from me to you… to make you feel better while you have to stay here.” “Thanks”, Tuomas finally mumbled, obviously accepting the present at last. “Wow… I really don’t know how to thank you for that…” “Don’t make such a big thing of it”, Tarja gave back, now a bit embarrassed by his huge gratitude, even though she did realize that he didn’t just thank her for buying the PSP; she figured that he also thanked her for getting him out of the cellar, even though he already had done this a thousand times. He just smiled shyly at her, then admired the PSP and the games again, making the singer smile, happy that her present had found so much approval.

Tarja stayed with her friend until the visiting hours were over and his doctor shooed her out; when it was time to leave, she hugged the keyboarder shortly, making him return the hug happily, promising him that she would be back in the next day. Obviously happy about it, Tuomas told her that he would count the minutes; she gave him a hearty smile before she left, and right when the door closed behind her, Tuomas grabbed the PSP and pushed the first game into the slot, eager to get the gaming started. Soon, he got lost in his game; he kept playing until he barely could keep his eyes open anymore, the game distracting him from the pain in his legs and his fear from Elena so much that after he had stopped, he fell asleep immediately, without any worries or hurts bothering him.

During the next days, not much changed; Tarja, Emppu, Jukka and Marco stayed with Tuomas every day as long as the visiting hours allowed it, and after they had left, he either read a book, or watched movies and played games on his PSP. His hallucinations about Elena got less and less, much to his relief; still he had regular talks to one of the hospitals psychologists, the elder man warning him that he might show other symptoms of his trauma once the hallucinations had faded. As far as this didn’t happen, Tuomas didn’t want to worry about it though; and so, he spent his days in more and more blissful routine, until one day, a slight change finally came. Said change wasn’t another symptom of his trauma, to the relief of the keyboarder; instead of something this unpleasant, it was his doctor, telling him that he could go out into the garden with the help of a wheelchair. “Thank God”, Tuomas sighed out, “I want out in the sun…” His doctor smiled, then turned to the door when it opened and revealed Tuomas’ friends and band mates. “Good news!” Tuomas immediately called out to them. “I can go in the garden! Well, roll there…” The doctor chuckled and nodded, then looked at the three guys and one girl. “I trust it you will take good care of Mr Holopainen”, he stated, “but please don’t take it as an offence if I get two male nurses to put him into the wheelchair.” “No, no, not at all”, Emppu, Marco and Jukka hurried to reply in surprising unison, all of them with images of how they dropped Tuomas in accident dancing through their minds. The doctor smiled, seemingly guessing their thoughts, and made his way out of the room, promising he would be back with the male nurses in a few minutes. “You’re lucky the weather is nice today”, Tarja commented while they waited for the men to arrive, looking out of the window. Tuomas nodded and smiled, obviously more than happy about the allowance the doctor had given him; he leaned into his pillow and sighed, for a moment wondering if it would hurt to be lifted out of the bed and into the chair, then decided not to worry about it – even if it should hurt, the pain would fade, and he was willing to pay the price of slight pain if he finally could be outside again. He let out a small, happy sigh, making his friends gaze at him; before they could ask though what the reason for this noise was, the door opened and two strong looking guys entered, smiling at the group. “We’re here to put Mr Holopainen into his new vehicle”, the smaller one announced, making the band nod before they all moved aside, allowing the two guys to put Tuomas into the wheelchair safely. They did so with surprisingly little effort; each of them took a hold of him, one arm underneath his upper thighs and one around his back, then lifted him out of the bed and into the wheelchair. Once he sat safely, they put his legs up into the foot rests carefully, the long and stiff metal constructions making sure that his feet were kept away from the ground and his ankles weren’t burdened with his weight. Tuomas grimaced slightly at the sight of his legs stretched stiffly ahead of him; he knew that it was for the best though, and silently prayed that whoever would push him wouldn’t bump him into some wall or other object legs first. Jukka volunteered to push the wheelchair once the two male nurses had gotten done with putting Tuomas inside it, and carefully started to roll the wheelchair down the hallway and over to the elevator, taking his time to get used to it. Once he felt secure enough, he took up a bit of speed, stopping the wheelchair elegantly in front of the elevator; Tarja, Emppu and Marco crowded around him while they waited for the elevator to arrive, glad that they had made it there safely – after all, none of them had any experience when it came to wheelchairs. Finally, a small beeping sound came, and the elevator doors slid open; Jukka carefully rolled the wheelchair into the cabin, the others following, Emppu pushing the button for the ground floor. The doors slid close, and the elevator started to move down slowly; Tuomas swallowed heavily, suddenly not feeling very comfortable anymore. He swallowed, trying to get some air into the suddenly too small elevator cabin; sweat started to form on his brow, and he silently wished for the others to move a bit, so he would have more room. Just when he felt that he would fall into a panic attack any moment, the elevator stopped and the doors opened; the keyboarder let out the breath he had been holding while Jukka wheeled him out of the cabin, making Tarja look at him with a slightly worried expression on her face. “Are you okay?” she then asked, making Tuomas nod weakly. “Yes… Just felt odd for a moment… Must be because I laid in bed for so long now”, he then lied, not wanting to worry her. Tarja obviously bought his story, since she just smiled and nodded; he smiled back, the colour returning to his face while Jukka rolled him down the hallway and out into the garden. They soon found a nice quiet place with a bench for the others to sit and stopped there, the three men and one woman taking a seat on the bench after Jukka had positioned Tuomas so that he was facing them. “Hope I didn’t shake you up too much while I rolled you here”, the drummer spoke as soon as all sat comfortably, making Tuomas shake his head. “Not at all. If things are ever going downhill with Nightwish, I have a new career for you – wheelchair driver.” At this, everyone laughed, then concentrated on some mindless small talk, all of them enjoying the nice warm weather and the company of their friends.

They stayed outside in the garden until the sun slowly started to vanish behind the horizon and the air cooled down; when Tarja wrapped her arms around herself, it was a signal for everyone that it was time to go back inside. Tuomas gulped at the sight of the elevator doors and asked himself if he would react again like he had on the way down; he hoped that this wouldn’t be the case, remembering how close to a panic attack he had been. Despite his hopes, his heartbeat sped up when the elevator doors opened and Jukka rolled him inside; he gripped the armrests of his wheelchair tightly and closed his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. Tarja glanced at him in worry again, along with Marco and Emppu; no one commented though, all of them only entering the elevator in silence. Marco pushed the button for the floor where Tuomas’ room was located, and the elevator started to move; only a minute later though, a bump went through the cabin, and the movement stopped. “Oh crap-o-rama”, Emppu sighed out, “I think we’re stuck…” Tuomas swallowed heavily at that, trying not to let his dismay show; sweat formed on his brow again while Tarja pushed the emergency button, the shrill sound of the bell connected to it echoing through the hallways. “It probably only will take a minute until we’re out again”, she then commented, waiting for the connection with the responsible hospital worker to come up through the built-in speaker. “I’m sure that… Tuomas, are you okay?” The last words came out full of concern and made everyone look at the keyboarder; Tuomas didn’t reply, but only kept breathing heavily, his face deadly pale. “Tuomas?” Marco asked, going down on his knees in front of the younger man. “What’s wrong?” “Too little space…” Tuomas pressed out, his eyes darting through the small cabin, the walls of it seemingly closing in on him. “Can’t breathe…” “He’s having a claustrophobic attack”, Marco stated. “Tarja, push the button again before he freaks out…” Nodding, Tarja did so; the bell sounded again, and only moments later, the voice of the hospitals janitor sounded through the speaker. “Please stay calm, we know that you are stuck there and are already working on it. The elevator should start moving again in a few minutes.” “I don’t know if we have those”, Tarja replied, looking at Tuomas in worry; he was as white as a bed sheet now, almost hyperventilating. “One of us is close to having a claustrophobic attack…” “Try to keep him calm”, the janitor replied. “We’re getting it moving again as fast as we can.” “Okay, thank you”, Tarja sighed out, knowing that there was nothing she could do to make the elevator work again faster. She stepped back from the speaker and knelt down next to the wheelchair as well, taking one of Tuomas’ hands into hers. “Tuomas, look at me.” The other guys just watched in silence how Tarja repeated her words, making the keyboarder glance at her, the fear and barely concealed panic in his eyes making her heart ache. “It’s okay”, she softly spoke, caressing the back of his hand gently. “There’s enough room for all of us in here. There’s no reason to be scared, we’ll be out in a few minutes.” Tuomas nodded silently in reply, even though his still hectic breath and his white face showed that he wasn’t as convinced as he pretended to be. Tarja gave him another concerned glance, then moved in and hugged him, holding him tight, trying to give him some comfort. Immediately, he buried his face in her shoulder, and she could feel him shiver when she held him close; she gazed at the others in worry, feeling his trembling as well as the cold sweat that now covered his whole body. “Shhht”, she whispered to him, caressing his back gently. “There’s nothing which could harm you here, just try to calm down…” The only reply she got was that Tuomas groaned into her shoulder weakly; she kept caressing his back, exchanging worried looks with the guys. Relief filled all of them when two minutes later, the elevator cabin bumped again and then started to move, the doors opening only a few moments afterwards. Quickly, Jukka rolled Tuomas out as soon as Tarja and Marco were out of the way; as soon as the wheels of the wheelchair touched the hallway, the keyboarder let out a heavy breath, obviously calming down now. “Feel better?” Tarja asked, making the black haired man nod, now a sheepish smile on his face. “Sorry for freaking out like that…” he then muttered, making his friends shake their heads. “Don’t worry about it”, Jukka replied, “I guess it’s quite normal after what happened to you… but you should talk to your therapist about it.” Tuomas nodded in reply, then yawned heartily; apparently, the day outside in the garden and his claustrophobia in the elevator had tired him out. “Let’s get you back to your room, champ, so you can get some rest”, the drummer smiled, and Tuomas nodded again in reply, letting out another yawn while his friend started to roll him down the hallway, back into his room. Once they had arrived there, Emppu went to get two male nurses who would put Tuomas back into bed; as soon as this had happened, the band members stayed with their mastermind a bit longer, until visiting hours were over and they all had to leave. Only minutes after they had left, Tuomas was fast asleep, his claustrophobia forgotten for now, his body getting the rest he needed after the exhausting day he had had.

In the middle of the night, he awoke with a start, his eyes wide, his heart hammering in his chest. Letting himself fall back into the pillow, he put his arm over his eyes and tried to forget his nightmare; of course it had been about Elena, and of course the dreaded hammer had been involved. Tuomas let out a shaky breath and let his arm fall down on the bed again; he wanted nothing more right now than have someone around to talk to, but he knew that it would be anything else but nice to call anyone of his friends now, considering that it was in the middle of the night. Sighing, he shifted on the bed slightly, grimacing for a moment when this brought up pain in his ankles; then, he folded his hands underneath his head and looked up at the ceiling in the darkness, asking himself if he would have to wake up from nightmares every night now. He knew that it would take some time until he would find sleep again; finally, after letting out another sigh, he grabbed the cell phone that laid on the nightstand and pushed one of the buttons, causing the display to illuminate and shine in the dark room. He looked at for a moment, then pushed the button that would take him to the menu and chose the SMS option. After another moment of hesitation, he started to push the buttons again, quickly typing a short message into the phone.

“Hey Tarja… I know it’s in the middle of the night, and I’m sorry for waking you up, but I had a nightmare and it’d be nice to talk to you… give me a call if it’s okay for you, I’ll call you back. Tuomas”

He sent the message, then laid in the darkness for a while after the display of the cell phone had gone dark again, asking himself if Tarja had turned her phone off during the night, or if she was sleeping too deeply to her it vibrate, or… The phone came to unexpected life in his hands, vibrating noisily, and he almost dropped it in his surprise before he got a steady hold on it again and quickly pushed the button that would take the call. “Hello?” “Hey”, Tarjas voice drifted through the line, making him smile in the darkness. “Thanks for calling… I’ll call you back as I said”, Tuomas offered, but the singer declined. “No need to, I can afford it”, she then smiled, a yawn following her words. “I’m sorry for waking you up”, Tuomas immediately spoke. “But, well… I had a bad dream…” “I don’t need to guess what it was about”, Tarja replied to that, making the keyboarder sigh heavily. “I guess not, no”, he then mumbled, closing his eyes momentarily when the image of Elena and – even worse – the hammer came up in his mind again. He forced it aside when Tarja spoke up again, her voice now sounding concerned. “Do you want to tell me anyway? It might help…” “Well”, the black haired man muttered out in reply, “I dreamed about how… she broke my ankles…” “Poor you”, Tarja replied, leaning into her pillow on her end of the line. “It must have been horrible…” “It was”, Tuomas gave back, for the first time really speaking about what had happened to him. “I had tried to escape”, he went on, his voice now soft and slightly distant, as if his mind was far away; Tarja figured that it probably was, that he distanced himself from what he was telling her to keep his sanity. “I almost made it”, he continued his talk now. “I already was halfway up the stairs out of the cellar when she threw a water bottle after me and made me fall down the stairs again. And as if that hadn’t hurt me enough already, she decided to break my ankles after I’d woken up again, to make sure I can’t run anymore…” He fell silent, and for a moment Tarja was quiet too, her eyes closed as she tried to cope with what she just had heard. “I’m so sorry”, she finally brought out, her voice shaking. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of this…” He let out another sigh in reply, then forced a smile on his face, trying not to sound too beaten when he replied. “Well, it was you who got me out of there, so you have no reason to be sorry at all… you’re my personal hero now.” At this, Tarja giggled, making the young man smile, glad that he had managed to cheer her up again after putting her down with talking about what Elena had done to him. “Nah!” she now declined, sounding much better as well. “I’m no hero at all, if I was, Elena wouldn’t almost have knocked me out with her stupid piece of wood…” Tuomas chuckled as well, then his facial expression grew serious again, showing through his voice as well when he spoke up again. “Thanks for listening to me in the middle of the night, Tarja. It really means a lot to me…” “There’s nothing to thank me for”, Tarja reassured him, wishing to be by his side for a moment so she could hug him. “I’m glad if I could help…” “You did”, Tuomas replied, “after all, I’ll be able to sleep again now…” He yawned, his tiredness kicking back in, and Tarja smiled on her end of the line. “Go back to sleep then”, she advised, making Tuomas agree before he wished her a nice and now hopefully undisturbed sleep. She returned his wish, and after exchanging a short goodbye, both hung up. Carefully, Tuomas put the phone back on the nightstand; then, he laid down on the pillow again, letting out a small sigh while he wrapped himself up in the blanket as far as he could with his broken ankles, closing his eyes and drifting off into sleep only moments later.

After the calming talk with Tarja, Tuomas slept peacefully through the whole night; he woke up only in the next morning when his doctor came with his daily injections to prevent thrombosis. Once this was done, one of the nurses brought his breakfast; after Tuomas had eaten up, he put on the headphones of Emppus MP3 player and listened to some music, slowly dozing off again. Due to the music sounding through the headphones, he didn’t hear how the door opened again; since his eyes were closed, he also didn’t see Tarja entering. She smiled at the sight of the keyboarder dozing peacefully in his bed, moving over to the bed and carefully placing her handbag on the ground next to the bed before she only stood in silence for a moment, asking herself how she could wake Tuomas up without scaring him. She was smarter than just touching him, knowing how much this would probably scare him after what he had been through; after a moment of thinking, Tarja carefully reached for the MP3 player and turned it off, the sudden lack of music causing the keyboarder to open his eyes and blink at her sleepily. When he recognized who it was standing beside the bed, he smiled weakly and sat up a bit, pulling the muted earplugs out of his ears. “Hey”, Tarja smiled, taking a seat next to the bed. “How are you today?” “Okay”, Tuomas replied, “and not all too tired… Thanks to you…” Tarja waved his words aside with a small gesture of her hand, smiling at him. “Don’t mention it… As I said, I’m glad I could help.” She leaned back into the seat comfortably, crossing her legs and folding her hands over her knee. “Do you want to go out into the garden again today?” she asked, making Tuomas shrug in reply, a slightly uncomfortable expression on his face. “I’d love to, but the elevator…” He grimaced, and Tarja nodded understandingly. “I know what you mean… But I’m sure we can find a solution for that”, she then smiled, making him wonder what she was talking about. He asked her out loud what she intended to do against a possible claustrophobia attack, but she just smiled mysteriously. “I won’t tell”, she then spoke. “You’ll just have to trust me.” “I do”, Tuomas replied immediately, making Tarja smile happily before she leaned forward. “So? Are you up to a little trip? I’ll go get some male nurses then.” Tuomas nodded in reply, deciding that whatever Tarja had come up with to keep him from freaking out, it wouldn’t harm him; she gave him another bright smile before she left the room, returning a few minutes later with two guys the young man hadn’t seen before. They smiled at him before they lifted him into his wheelchair carefully, making sure not to hurt him; once he was seated there, Tarja grabbed the handles mounted to its back and rolled him out of his room and over to the elevator. In front of it, she stopped, then reached into her handbag and pulled out one of the silk scarves she used if the weather was too cool for her liking. “Do you trust me?” she softly asked, making Tuomas nod; he closed his eyes when she moved the silken cloth over them and tied it behind his head. “Comfortable?” she then asked, and he nodded, wondering to himself if the fact that he wasn’t able to see a thing would help with his claustrophobia. Tarja smiled and put one hand on her shoulder while she pushed the button that called up the elevator with her other one; only a short time later, the doors opened, and Tarja carefully rolled the wheelchair inside the car. She pushed the button for the ground floor, then knelt down in front of Tuomas. “Don’t get scared now”, she spoke, “I’ll just hug you…” He nodded again, a small smile forming on his face when Tarjas arms wrapped around him moments later. He returned the hug, and she gently made him rest his head on her shoulder. “I want you to concentrate on my voice only now”, she then mumbled to him, caressing his hair while he nodded again. She softly started humming to him, over toning the low sound the elevator created when it started to move; thanks to her arms around him and her voice distracting him, Tuomas didn’t even realize that the elevator was moving already. He only noticed what was going on when Tarja suddenly got up again – after warning him – and moved the wheelchair out of the elevator before she took off his blindfold. “Wow”, he brought out, obviously surprised how well Tarjas idea had worked. “Where did you learn that?” he asked, and she giggled, shrugging slightly. “Nowhere”, she then admitted. “I just thought that maybe, if I distracted you enough, you wouldn’t freak out…” “Seems as if you had a great thought then…” he smiled at her, and she nodded before she carefully rolled him out into the garden. There, she stopped in a nice sunny spot, taking a seat on the bench next to where she had parked the wheelchair. “The weather is awesome today”, she said after a few moments of enjoying the sun in silence, making him nod. “Yes, it is…” He fell silent, then swallowed heavily, his voice quivering when he spoke up again. “I was wondering if I’d get out of that cellar again and get to sit in the sun like ever again…” Tarja looked at him in worry, reaching out and taking his hand, making him glance at her as well. “I understand”, she softly spoke, “but please… don’t worry anymore about it… you’re out of there, and you won’t go back there again. Elena’s in prison, and you’ll be fine soon…” The keyboarder sighed and nodded, then glanced down on his bandaged ankles. “Yeah… after quite a while”, he sighed, making Tarja squeeze his hand gently. He gave her a weak smile, then looked straight ahead again, avoiding it to gaze down on his legs. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back into his neck, enjoying the feeling of the sun shining into his face. He at first didn’t even notice the soft touch on his cheeks; then, he slowly realized that someone was caressing his face and opened his eyes, surprised to see Tarja quite close to him, her hand resting on his cheek. “Huh…?” he brought out, stunned by this sudden closeness and intimacy the singer seemed to be trying to develop. Tarja just smiled at him in reply, caressing his cheek gently; he closed his eyes again after a moment, enjoying the surprising, but gentle touch. He let out a small sigh, opening his eyes again when Tarja spoke up, her voice soft. “You seem so sad since this thing happened to you, and I understand it fully… but I don’t want to see you sad anymore. Let me make you happy again…” All he could do was hold her gaze in silence, asking himself if what he thought was about to happen would happen; he knew that his wishes came true when Tarja moved even closer to him, her lips on his moments later. A small sigh escaped him while she kissed him gently; he didn’t try to deepen the kiss, but only wrapped his arms around her, caressing her back. After a few wonderful seconds, Tarja pulled back again, smiling at him; he smiled back at her, the fear and worries he had constantly felt since he had been freed from the cellar suddenly gone. “This is better than any therapy could ever be”, he whispered, making the smile on the singers face widen. “That’s great to hear”, she then replied, “but you know, you should still go to therapy.” “Oh, I will”, Tuomas promised, returning her smile brightly. “But now, I want you to kiss me again…” Smiling and nodding, Tarja gladly did what he had asked from her; kissing him gently once more, making his heart beat faster with happiness and love while he hugged her tightly again, barely believing his luck.

During the next days and weeks, Tuomas had therapy sessions regularly with a psychologist specialized on traumatizing happenings, and slowly, his condition got better. He also started the rehabilitation therapy, regaining the strength in his ankles awfully slow as soon as they were healed enough; he had to walk on crutches for almost two months, but finally was able to stand and walk without them anymore. During all this time, Tarjas was there for him as much as she could and as the hospitals visiting hours allowed it; she came when those started and left when they ended, once or twice even managing to convince Tuomas’ doctor to let her stay longer, especially after a tiring rehabilitation session for the keyboarder. One month after he had been taken to the hospital, Tuomas was allowed to go back home; Tarja offered to stay with him and take care of him, since he still had troubles with his legs at that time. Now, three months after all of this had happened, he laid on his couch, his aching feet up on a pillow; Tarja sat next to him, gently massaging his ankles the way the therapist had showed her. He smiled at her thankfully, still barely able to believe his luck, even though they were officially dating for three months now. The day after their first kiss, Tarja had told him about how she had felt when he had gone missing, how worried and scared she had been that she never might see him again, and never be able to tell him how much she felt for him; they had shared more loving kisses after this confession, both of them more than happy that finally, they had found each other. “Feel better?” Tarja now asked, slowly stopping the massaging; Tuomas smiled and nodded, and she returned his smile before she carefully moved on the couch, ending up next to him. He hugged her close to himself, and she sighed happily, resting her head on his chest. “I love you”, she then whispered, listening to his steady heartbeat while he replied to her. “I love you too. I always will…” At those words, she looked up at him and gave him one of the smiles he loved so much; they exchanged another kiss, then just laid on the couch in silence, both silently praising fate for bringing them together after all the pain and worries they both had gone through.

End.

During the dinner, Tarja and Tuomas ended up sitting at different tables, both not wanting to admit how much this bothered them. Tarja sat next to Emppu, concentrating mostly on her food while she listened to his jokes with one ear, still giggling from time to time; Tuomas sat at the other table, between Jukka and Marco, munching down the salad he had gotten himself while Marco talked about some stunt his sons had pulled. Finishing with his salad, Tuomas leaned back in his seat, his belly feeling quite stuffed against his pants. He reached for his beer while Marco told more of his story, taking a sip of it before he declared he would go for a smoke and rose from his chair. The others wished him fun, then concentrated on their talk again while Tuomas made his way through the dining room and over to the balcony. The laughter of the other party guests drifted after him when he opened the door and stepped out into the cool night air; not wanting to let the cold enter, Tuomas pulled the door close again once he stood out on the balcony, shutting off the laughter that still sounded from the other room. Sighing to himself, he dug through his pockets until he found his cigarettes and lighter; he lit one of them, blowing a cloud of blue smoke up into the starry sky afterwards, letting his thoughts wander. It bugged him that he hadn’t managed to sit next to Tarja during the dinner; after all, he only had came here because he had known she would be here too, normally, he wasn’t much of a Christmas party guy. He took another sip of his beer, something that was closer to his taste than the too fruity punch, and leaned on the banister that protected people from falling down, remaining in this position until he had finished his cigarette and walked back inside.

An hour later, Tarja had discovered that the alcoholic taste of the fruit punch wasn’t that bad; in fact, it tasted so good that she had her third cup of it already, thus feeling a bit more funny than usual. She giggled heartily when Emppu told another one of his joked before she took another sip of her punch, letting her eyes wander through the room afterwards. She was still sober enough to be grateful to see she wasn’t the only one who was a bit funnier already. Jukka was talking to Marco again, telling him something that made the bearded man laugh out loud, his laughter roaring through the dining room, while Satu tried to keep Luna from putting everything she spotted into her mouth, with not much success though. Standing with a group of other people Tarja barely knew, she saw Tuomas; he was listening to a story a tall blonde guy was telling, grinning constantly and laughing from time to time. Tarja smiled at the sight without even noticing; sometimes, she thought that Tuomas was more moody and brooding than it was good for him, and she liked it to see him smile and laugh. It seemed as if he had felt her gaze again, since he looked over at her and smiled; she smiled back, rising from her seat when he moved away from the small group he stood with and over to her. “Enjoying the party, I see” the singer stated once he stood next to her, making him smile and nod. “Yes, it’s nice. You’re having a good time too?” “Yes”, Tarja reassured him, then made a vague gesture at Emppu. “How could I not have, with Emppu and his endless repertoire of silly, dirty and cute jokes?” Tuomas chuckled and nodded, taking another sip of his beer afterwards; just when he put the bottle back down, someone wanted to pass him to speak to Emppu, and he moved aside, causing Tarja to move with him, closer to the cosy fireplace of the dining room. He placed his beer bottle on the projection on the wall above the fireplace, then leaned against the stone, smiling down on Tarja. She returned his smile, putting her plastic cup next to it; just when she wanted to say something though, Emppu suddenly yelled, gaining the attention of everyone in the room. “HEY! Look where Tarja and Tuo are standing!” Simultaneously, Tarja and Tuomas looked up, their eyes widening in unison when they saw that they stood right beneath the mistletoe Satu had put up, more for fun than for really making someone kiss. “You know what you gotta do right?!” Emppu went on, causing both the singer and the keyboarder to blush slowly. “Nah”, Tuomas muttered, “we don’t have this silly thing here, it’s American, why should we mind that?” “Party pooper!” Marco exclaimed, before he started to cheer, to the big annoyance of Tarja and Tuomas. “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” To their even bigger dismay, everyone else chimed in, all the guests soon yelling at them that they should kiss in an annoying choir. Helplessly, they glanced at each other, knowing that they wouldn’t have peace until they kissed; finally, Tuomas sighed and looked at Tarja almost apologetically before he bent down, his lips warm and soft on hers moments later. Holding back a sigh, Tarja responded to the kiss; she was so lost in the feelings it gave her that she didn’t hear the cheering of the other guests, also didn’t notice how it faded again in surprise when Tuomas reached up and placed his hand on her cheek while he deepened the kiss, something she gladly accepted. “Is it supposed to go this way?” Emppu whispered to Jukka when Tarja wrapped her arms around Tuomas, now not able to hold the moan back anymore as his tongue met hers and gently played with it, teasing it with sweet and slow movements. “I don’t think so”, Jukka whispered back, barely able to believe what he saw. “Good, I thought it’s just me…” Emppu muttered, his eyes having the size of saucers while Tarja and Tuomas slowly pulled apart again, looking at each other, fully lost in their own little world, small, but happy smiles on their faces. They got torn out of their little bubble of love when suddenly, everyone in the room started to cheer and clap, the party guests almost falling into hysterics at what they just had seen. Blushing brightly again, Tarja and Tuomas stared at each other, then at the applauding guests; just when Tuomas considered to turn and run, Tarja suddenly tightened her hug on him, making him look at her again and causing him to wonder if she had sensed he wanted to flee. “Merry Christmas”, she softly whispered to him, her fingers gently caressing his back as she spoke, then moving forward to take a hold of his hands. “Merry Christmas to you too…” he replied, not sure what he should think of all this, not sure if he should believe Tarja had kissed him back out of love or just because she was a bit drunk already. She smiled at him again, squeezing his hands, the whole room hanging at her lips when she spoke up again. “Seems like I was a good girl this year… Santa gave me just what I wanted…” He swallowed heavily, barely able to believe his ears; he knew that he could do when she let go of one of his hands to reach up and caress his cheek, then kissed him again. Gladly, he responded to the kiss, the cheering starting again as it deepened once more; he could felt Tarjas love for him in this kiss, and suddenly knew that it didn’t come from her slightly drunk state, just like his love for her didn’t come from that. Pulling back, he smiled at her, putting his arms around her waist as he softly whispered to her. “And I was a good boy… Because Santa gave me just what I wanted…” The two smiled at each other, then moved away from the fateful mistletoe and sat down on the small couch, Tarja claiming her seat on Tuomas’ lap, much to his happiness and the amusement of everyone else in the room. Letting out a small happy sigh, she snuggled up to him; he put both arms around her and sent a glance at Satu, silently thanking her for putting up this mistletoe which finally had allowed him to show what he had been feeling for such a long time.

End.

“Turunen, hello?”

“Am I speaking to Miss Tarja Turunen?”

“Yes… Who’s there?”

“My name’s Teresa Tuuri, from Helsinki Meilahti hospital. I’m afraid that I have bad news for you…”

Opening her eyes again, Tarja stared at the heart that had been engraved into the tree’s bark, her now silent tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. “Everything was so perfect”, she repeated to herself, “and then this idiot just had to come along and ruin it all… why?” She sniffled heartbrokenly, remembering the cold feeling of dread and fear that had swept through her when the nurse which had called her told about the accident that had happened, about the drunk driver who had lost control over his car and had ended up rushing onto the sidewalk, his car colliding with the body of her loved one… She remembered how she had rushed to the hospital, had almost crashed her own car on the way to there, without really caring about it; all she could think of was his name, his name and the prayers that he would be alright after all, that maybe it had looked worse than it really was. It hadn’t; they had told her right when she had arrived how badly he had been hurt, how much damage had been done to him.

“I’m sorry to tell you this Ms Turunen, but due to the force of the impact, his cervical was broken… I’m very sorry, but there is nothing we can do, he’ll be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life…”

The doctor had told her more, had given her more gruesome details, but she hadn’t heard him anymore, the words paralyzed from the neck down hammering through her brain again and again, over toning everything else the doctor told her. She remembered how she had sat down, too numb to stand after those horrible words, too numb to cry or too shout; all she could do was stare into nothingness, those dreaded words running through her mind over and over, without any way to stop them. She barely had noticed how the doctor had left, and she hadn’t really cared; all she had wanted had been to see him, but they hadn’t allowed her to go into the emergency room, and so all she had been able to do was wait until he would be put into his room. And even then, her pain wouldn’t stop; she remembered all too clearly how he had cried after the doctor had given him the same information Tarja already had been given, how much it had shaken him up, how desperate he had been… and how he had asked her for a final favour, how he had asked her to end it for him.

“This is no life anymore, Tarja, please…”

His voice, so weak, barely above a whisper, but loud enough for her to hear, loud enough for her to understand what he was asking from her.

“No one will suspect a thing… Please Tarja… Do it for me…”

She had looked at him in silence, trying to cope with what he asked from her, trying to give him the strength he needed now – and failing.

“I can’t do this Tuomas, I love you, please don’t make me do this… I don’t want to lose you…”

“You won’t… I’ll always be with you. Please don’t make me live like this…”

The desperate, beaten look of his blue eyes, eyes which one had looked at her happily and lively, now the eyes of a man caught in a dead body, the eyes of a man who had already died inside, dull and hopeless. She remembered how she had started to cry then, and how he had cried as well, pleading her over and over to do him the favour and to end it for him; and finally, she had given in to him, hadn’t found the strength anymore to fight his wishes and to withstand his pleads. Her hand clenched into a fist when she felt the plug of the breath-supporting machine underneath it again; more tears ran down her cheeks when she remembered how she had looked at him while she had pulled it, then had pulled the plugs of all those other life supporting machines he had been hooked to. Once the last plug had been removed, she had moved to him again and had hugged him; she had held him close while he’d whispered to her that he loved her and that he thanked her for what she had done, that it had been the only right thing to do.

“I wouldn’t be able… to live a life like this… Thank you…Thank you so much… I love you… oh God, Tarja, how I love… you…”

His last word hadn’t been much more than weak breath on her cheek, and she had cried as he slowly slipped away; she had cried when she had put the plugs back to where they belonged after it had ended, and she had cried when she had called for the doctor once everything had been set up again. There had been suspicions, and there had been questions, but nothing of it serious enough to put Tarja into real danger; she wouldn’t have cared though even if she had been arrested, nothing mattered to her anymore now that he was gone. Sniffling, she wiped her tears from her face and knelt down on the ground, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the necklace she had given him only a week before all of this had happened; the hospital had returned it to her, thinking that it might have some kind of value for her now that the one who had been wearing it was gone. After putting on her glove again, Tarja started to move the snow that had collected around the tree’s base aside; once it was gone, she dug into the frozen earth, until she had created a hole deep enough for the necklace to fit safely. Slowly, she lowered it into the ground, just like Tuomas had been lowered into the ground a few days ago; her tears fell on the weakly glinting silver before she closed the small hole again, her sobs echoing through the quiet morning. “I love you”, she whispered to the man she had loved, the man she had killed, the man who had taken her will to live with him when he had left; she couldn’t find the strength to get back to her feet after she had finished burying the necklace, unable to think of how she should live on now, with this burden on her heart and this hurting gash on her soul she had inflicted on herself the moment she had pulled the plug. Still she forced herself to get up again after remaining in her kneeling position until her tears had stopped flowing; she got to her feet and walked away from the old tree, from the place that meant so much to her, knowing that she never would come back, for the pain was just too much to bear. While she made her way back to the house she had shared with him, the house where she now lived alone, the town still was quiet; no one heard the sound of her feet crunching the snow, no one saw the miserable lonely woman making her way back to her lonely home, where she would wither slowly until it finally would be time for her to go as well, and time for her to be reunited with the one she loved.

My tears forever with you
Resting under your tree
You have always loved this place
It now belongs to you
I need to set you free
And go all alone.

End.

Only ten minutes later, Tarja sat in the doctors office, looking down on the cup of tea he had given her while he took a seat as well, playing around with a biro that had been lying on the desk in front of his name plate – “Dr. Kunnas” – while he looked at her. “So how is this possible?” Tarja finally asked after taking another sip of the tea, looking at the grey haired man in front of her. “Well…the accident you had two months ago…it happened after a fight you had with Tuomas, right?” the doctor asked back, making Tarja nod. “Yes…it was…really nasty. The first real fight we ever had, but still…we both were just yelling at each other, until I finally got fed up with it and ran off, getting into my car and driving away…I was so upset over the fight and cried a lot, and I guess that’s why I crashed my car. I barely could see anymore thanks to my tears, so…yeah.” “And you were close to dying for a while.” Dr. Kunnas stated, Tarja nodding in reply. “Yes…I was in a coma for two weeks, and then the wounds took a while to heal…severe internal injuries and stuff like that. But…I survived…so why is Tuomas so convinced that I’m dead?” she then demanded to know, the doctor sighing and leaning back in his chair in reply. “The human mind is a very complicated and delicate thing, Ms Turunen. In the talks I had with Tuomas, I came to the conclusion that he…that he blamed himself all the time for your accident. He was convinced that you would die, and that it would be his fault…and even when the doctors told him that you would live, he still couldn’t believe it. His guilt ate him up so much that he…that his mind created his own little world for him, a world where you did die and now your ghost or something like that comes back to punish him for what he did.” “So…will you ever be able to cure him?” Tarja asked, her voice shaking with held-back tears, the things she had heard shocking her to no end. “I honestly don’t know.” Dr. Kunnas replied sadly. “It depends on how deep he pulled back into his own mind…and if he allows it that we show him you didn’t die. Another big factor of his mind’s retreat into this little world is that…that he probably is so afraid that you could blame him for what happened, that you could hate him for it. That’s why he convinced himself that you are dead, dead people can’t hate anymore…but at the same time his guilt wouldn’t let him end it like that, and now when you came into his room, well…I already told you.” Nodding, Tarja squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold back her tears, but failed at last, letting out a small sob. “Oh my God…I love him so much…and what if he never…never gets healthy again…” she whispered, the doctor giving her a pitiful look. “We are doing our best, Ms Turunen.” He then softly spoke. “And if there is any possible way to heal him, we will find it. Believe me.” Finally calming down again, Tarja nodded, then came to her feet. “Well, I…I have to go now…my friends are waiting for me to tell them how it was.” She mumbled, Dr. Kunnas nodding and shaking her hand as a goodbye. “Have a good way home. And don’t worry too much…like I said, we will find a way to help him. You can visit him whenever you want, maybe it will help…after a while…” Nodding, Tarja replied that she would be back tomorrow before she said her goodbye, leaving the office and the psychiatric clinic. Getting into her car, she started the engine and drove away from the clinic’s parking lot, back to her home where Emppu, Jukka and Marco were waiting.

“What happened to your throat?” Marco asked in the second the singer stepped through the door, the eyes of the other two guys widening at the sight of the by now bruising neck of their friend. “Tuomas attacked me”, Tarja mumbled out in reply, sitting down on the couch while the other three gasped in shock. “Attacked you? But…why?” Sighing softly, Tarja told her band mates about what the doctor had said, all of them even more shocked at what they heard. “This is impossible.” Emppu finally mumbled as soon as Tarja was done telling them, staring down on his hands. “I can’t believe that he…” “…that he is that crazy?” the black haired woman softly asked when he didn’t speak on, making him shake his head. “No…not crazy. Not Tuomas. He is…ill…but not crazy.” “They tied him to the bed.” Tarja replied to that, her voice so harsh that the guitarist looked up in surprise, Jukka and Marco giving her concerned looks as well. “And this is what you do to crazy people, right? This is what…” her voice broke, and she let out a racked sob, burying her face in her hands. “Hey”, Marco finally was the first one to react, putting one arm around her and pulling her close, soon feeling her crying into his chest. “He’ll be okay…he just has to be. I’m sure that they know how to handle this…” The only answer he got was that Tarja let out another sob, and the bassist didn’t say anymore either; he just kept rubbing her back, holding her as she cried, the two other men doing their best to calm her down as well.

In the next morning, Tarja arrived at the psychiatric clinic as soon as the doors of it opened, immediately making her way to Dr. Kunnas’ office. The elder man already waited for her, greeting her warmly before he reported on Tuomas’ state, his voice serious. “He’s still quite upset about your visit yesterday…we decided to keep him tied down for another day, until he calmed down a little again. I don’t want to fill him up with tranquilizers.” The doctor explained, Tarja nodding in reply, trying not to show her pain about the thought of Tuomas being tied down like some kind of animal. Motioning towards the door of his office, Dr. Kunnas asked Tarja if she wanted to see her lover now, and she nodded, making him lead her down the hallway over to Tuomas’ room. Again, the singer peeked in through the small window built into the door; her heart clenched when she saw her beloved lying on the bed motionless, his wrists and ankles tied down with the thick leather straps. His head was turned to the left, away from the door and facing the wall; his eyes were open, but he seemed to stare into nothingness. “You can go in if you like. He can’t do you any harm.” The doctor spoke next to her, already holding his opening card. Nodding, Tarja waited until the elder man had opened the door for her, then stepped in, Tuomas this time not reacting to the sound of her entering. Slowly walking over to the bed, sitting down on the chair that had been put next to it and looking at her lover, her heart clenching once more. “Hey”, she then softly spoke, Tuomas not reacting to her words the slightest. “Hey, Tuomas…” Finally, awfully slow, the keyboarder turned his head, looking at her with his eyes shockingly empty. “Came to torment me again, huh.” He then asked, his voice shaking, for the first time showing some emotion. “No.” Tarja replied, not daring to reach out and touch him though. Although he was tied to the bed, the bruises on her neck still reminded her painfully enough of what had happened the last time she had touched him, making her keep her hands by herself. “I didn’t die, Tuomas.” The singer now spoke on, trying to keep her voice steady. “I’m alive…and I love you…please…” Shaking his head, Tuomas let his gaze drop to the wall again, and he mumbled: “I know that you died in that crash. And I know it’s my fault. So leave me alone.” At this, tears finally filled Tarjas eyes, and while they streamed down her cheeks, she grabbed Tuomas’ face and literally forced him to look at her, whispering: “Stop this…I’m not dead…do you think I would cry like that if I was dead? Please, Tuomas…please…” Tuomas just looked at her blankly, until she finally gave up and let go of his face, with him immediately turning his head away from her again. Letting out a sob, the singer rose from the chair again, realizing that he wouldn’t accept what she told him; leaving the room, she ignored the worried look the doctor gave her and made her way into the bathroom, splashing cold water into her face as soon as she arrived there and trying to forget the empty look that had been in Tuomas’ eyes when he had looked at her.

At the same time, Tuomas laid in his bed motionless, staring at the wall. What he saw though was not the white paint on it; he saw the evenings that had led him into this over and over in front of his inner eye, his own guilt tormenting him.

Goddammit Tarja, you just can’t run off like that!

Leave me alone! Just leave me alone, okay?

The hours he had spent sitting in the apartment he shared with her, wondering if she ever would come back…and then his phone ringing…

“Tuomas, it’s me, Emppu. The hospital just called…Tarja, she…”

How he had entered her room for the first time, looking down on her lying in the white bed lifelessly, not reacting to anything around her…how he had heard the doctors talk about her condition…and how they had mentioned the tiny chance of her surviving this…

Closing his eyes, Tuomas whispered “I’m so sorry” while hot tears spilled out from underneath his eyelids, running down his cheeks. “I didn’t want to kill you…” Caught in his own personal hell, the keyboarder heard Tarja saying words she never had said to him in reality, blaming him for what had happened to her and telling him that she hated him, that she never wanted to see him again, and that she never had loved him…the flow of tears from his eyes increased, and soon he was sobbing loudly, whispering “I’m sorry” over and over, his whole body shaking with his sobs.

During the next days, Tarja visited Tuomas everyday, trying to make it clear to him that she hadn’t died and that she didn’t hate him. Nothing of the things she tried though worked; the doctor told her that the talks he had with the keyboarder weren’t really productive either, and that Tuomas had pulled back so far into his own little world that by now, it wasn’t sure anymore if he ever would be able to leave it again. This fact crushed Tarja and the other band members; after the doctor had told her, the singer just couldn’t stop crying for almost an hour, not believing that the man she loved so much maybe never would get healthy again. Her three friends gave their best to comfort her, not able to do much though; they were shocked to no end themselves, not knowing how to handle it if Tuomas really never would recover again. “There has to be some way.” Tarja now whispered, looking up from her hands and the handkerchief she was holding at the doctor. “You said you would find a way…” Letting out a sigh, the elder man gave her a sad look while he replied: “I know I did. But…apparently Tuomas had pulled back so far into his own world that we barely can reach him…and if we do, and he talks to us, it leads nowhere. He may get healthy again, but it could take years.” At this, Tarja let out another soft sob, staring down on her hands again while fresh tears started to run down her cheeks. Just when Marco placed one hand on her shoulder, trying to give her some comfort, the door to the office of Dr. Kunnas suddenly flew open and a male nurse poked in his head, his hair tousled and his white shirt torn at the side. Looking at him in shock, the doctor asked “What happened?”, the reply of the man shocking the five people in the room to no end. “Mr Holopainen…when we brought him his food, he attacked us and…and managed to run off…” “Oh my God”, Tarja breathed out, immediately remembering the thick flakes of snow that had fallen from the sky, how cold it had been when she and the other three guys had come here – and the thin hospital gown Tuomas was wearing all the time here. “What!” Dr. Kunnas now yelled. “Then don’t stand around here! Go and find him!” Nodding, the man ran off again, his yells filling the hallways and mobilizing the whole staff of the clinic. And before anyone of the other four people in the room knew what she planned, Tarja suddenly jumped up and ran off as well, putting on her coat while she raced down the hallway. “Tarja, wait!” Jukka finally cried out after a moment of shock, jumping as well and following the singer, Emppu and Marco doing the same after a few seconds. Dr. Kunnas followed as the last one, and the big search for Tuomas started.

Two hours later, almost everyone was close to giving up, convinced that Tuomas had managed to leave the area of the clinic somehow and now was hiding in the city. The only one who didn’t want to rely on the police when it came to finding the keyboarder was Tarja; she insisted on searching on, walking over the clinic area and looking for her beloved. And just when Dr. Kunnas and the other three members of Nightwish wanted to return to the office an call the police, they suddenly heard the singer yell for them, her voice filled with panic. Hurrying over to her, the group was shocked to find her kneeling next to an obviously unconscious Tuomas; he had been on the clinic area the whole time, obviously not able to find his way out of it in his daze, now lying on the ground in a foetal position, his eyebrows and hair covered with a thin layer of snow. “Get me a blanket!” Tarja yelled, making Dr. Kunnas move into the clinic building again while the singer pulled the shivering man into her arms, holding him tight and trying to give him some of her warmth. Wordlessly, Marco took off his coat and helped Tarja to wrap the keyboarder up in it, Tuomas groaning weakly at the feeling, but not waking up yet; only a few minutes later, Dr. Kunnas came back out with a thick woollen blanket, two men following him with a stretcher between them. Wrapping the blanket over the coat, the two guys then placed Tuomas on the stretcher before they hurried back inside with him, with the intention to warm him up as fast as possible.

Only ten minutes later, Tarja sat next to a big bathtub, steam rising from the warm water that filled it, her beloved lying in it still unconscious. Gently stroking his hair, Tarja softly whispered into his ear, telling him how much she loved him and that he never should do something like that again while she waited for him to wake up, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t freak out on her again. She got distracted from her beloved one when Dr. Kunnas entered the room, smiling at her. “Did he wake up yet?” Tarja shook her head, looking from the unconscious man in the bathtub to the doctor. “No…and you’re sure that this will help?” she asked back in reply, making a vague gesture at the tub. The doctor nodded. “Most likely. It’s the best thing you can do to someone who is as under cooled as he is.” Tarja nodded, letting out a small sigh. “Fine…you’re the doctor. I just hope he wakes up soon…” she sighed again, once more running her hand through Tuomas’ hair. Dr. Kunnas looked down on the two, his face showing slight worry. “Well…you shouldn’t be alone with him when he wakes up.” He then spoke, running one hand through his short grey hair. “Just in case he attacks you again…” Tarja shrugged, her eyes filling with sadness all of a sudden. “Whatever you say. Just…just get him healthy again.” The doctor nodded, then got one of the male nurses to keep Tarja and Tuomas company until he woke up. The young man took a seat on a chair next to the door, watching how Tarja let run some of the hot water over Tuomas’ face, again whispering softly to him. It took almost twenty more minutes until Tuomas let out a soft groan, then opened his eyes. “Hey.” Tarja spoke, smiling at him gently, although at the same time fear that he would attack her again clenched her heart. Instead of doing so though, the keyboarder simply stared at the ceiling, mumbling something to himself Tarja at first couldn’t make out – until she brought her ear closer to his mouth. “She’s not there. She’s not real. She’s not there…” Her heart clenched at that, and she closed her eyes for a moment before she slowly reached out, placing her hand on the back of Tuomas’ head. “I am here.” She whispered into his ear, making him squeeze his eyes shut in reply. “I’m here, and I’m real…alive…please, Tuomas…” He shook his head, refusing to look at her, and finally Tarja sighed and came to her feet. “Take good care of him.” She spoke to the man who still sat next to the door, fighting hard to keep her tears inside, while she left the room and gently closed the door behind her.

During the next days, it got clear that Tuomas had decided to ignore Tarja, probably with the hope that she would give up on “tormenting” him and leave sooner or later. Still, Tarja visited him two or three times a day, trying to get him talking; she told him about all possible things, funny happenings on tour and how she had given her best to get him back up when he had been down during the Century Child times. No matter what she told him about though, he didn’t change his way of behaviour towards her – he just kept staring at the ground or at the table in front of him, refusing to look at her. She didn’t think about giving up yet though, keeping up her regular visiting hours and talking to Dr. Kunnas everyday about the progress of Tuomas’ recovery. According to the doctor, Tuomas was making advances, and Tarja believed him, although she didn’t notice much of it. Now, she took in a deep breath before she pushed the handle of the door of the private room where she always had her talks with Tuomas down and entered, Tuomas already sitting at the table and staring down on his feet. “Hi.” She greeted him, as always not getting a reaction, while she closed the door behind herself and walked over to the table, sitting down opposite to Tuomas. “Do you want to look at me?” she then asked after a few moments of silence, Tuomas not reacting to her words in any way though. Tarja stifled the sigh that wanted to escape her at that, took in a deep breath and started with the words she always had started with in the last days: “I’m here, Tuomas, I’m alive, and I neither hate nor blame you. I love you, do you understand?” Again, no reply from the black haired man who was sitting across the table; for a few moments, the only sounds in the room were the breaths of the two people, then Tarja spoke up again. “Remember our first kiss? I do as if it had been yesterday. It was so sweet…you had come over because you were feeling so bad about yourself…remember? You talked about it for hours, and I just listened and tried to be there…and then we went for a walk around the lake close to my house, still talking…you wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek as a thanks when we came back to my home, but I managed to turn my head to look at you just then, and you kissed me fully on the lips…your face afterwards was priceless.” She giggled softly to herself at the memory of how Tuomas had stared at her after the kiss – and how she had reacted. “I wonder what you would have done if I hadn’t kissed you again back then…but I never regretted that I did. You were the best boyfriend I could think of…so caring and gentle…” She trailed off, a thick lump in her throat suddenly making it hard for her to speak. “Just remember it.” She then whispered, trying to make him look at her. “Tuomas, please…” She just reached over the table to touch him when suddenly everything came into motion, happening so fast that later, when it was over, Tarja had troubles to remember what had exactly happened when. The door of the room she sat in with Tuomas flew open, and a man with an agitated expression in his eyes came storming in, slamming the door close behind him. Tarja shrieked when he grabbed the table and pushed it in front of the door, directly under the handle – that way, nobody would be able to open it from outside unless the table was removed. “I’ll get you all.” the man now panted out, staring from Tuomas, who still sat there looking on the ground, not interested in the happenings at all, to the scared Tarja. “I’ll release you all!” the man added before he suddenly threw himself forward, tackling the shrieking woman down to the ground. He held her there with one hand while he reached into his pocket with the other one, getting out a spoon that had been filed into a sharp weapon and aiming it at her throat. Somehow, Tarja managed to grab his arm and stop the sharp tip of the spoon before it entered her throat, although it was only centimetres away from her skin. “Tuomas!” she cried out in panic, fighting as hard as she could to keep the guy from cutting her. “Tuomas, help me!” The man on top of her seemed to find more strength inside him, since he started to push down her arm, the sharp spoon soon reaching her throat. When the tip scratched into the skin and drew blood, Tarja let out an ear-shattering scream, feeling how her blood ran down her throat. And then, Tuomas raised his head, looking at her. She’s bleeding. His mind informed him, his heart racing in his chest. His eyes were glued to the thin line of blood that ran down her neck, and suddenly he jumped up and rushed over to where Tarja still laid underneath the crazed attacker, kicking the man as hard as he could. Gasping, Tarja rolled over and curled up, her whole body shaking, while Tuomas started to beat the guy through the whole room, Tarjas heart speeding up at what he heard him say. “I lost her once…I will not allow it that you take her away from me and make me loose her again…never touch her again…” Finally, the attacker seemed to come to the conclusion that he didn’t stand a chance here, pushed the table away from the door and ran off, only to be tackled down by two male nurses moments later. A third one came hurrying into the room where Tarja and Tuomas still were, finding the black haired man sitting on the ground and holding his obviously aching head, Tarja kneeling next to him and speaking to him softly, her throat still bloody. “Oh my God!” the man cried out at the sight of blood, “are you hurt?” Tarja shook her head, for one second looking at him before she concentrated on Tuomas again. “No. Just a scratch. Go get Dr. Kunnas.” She ordered, the guy nodding and hurrying off. A few minutes later, Dr. Kunnas appeared in the doorframe, looking at the scene in disbelief. Probably for the first time since Tuomas had tried to run off and nearly had frozen to death, the keyboarder was looking at Tarja; she was holding his face in his hands, speaking to him, holding his gaze with hers the whole time. And he didn’t look away anymore.

“He is still somehow convinced that you are dead.” Dr. Kunnas spoke a few hours later, after a long talk with Tuomas, sitting in his office with Tarja and having some tea with her. “But now that he saw you getting attacked…and saw that you were bleeding…his belief that you died was shaken. Now we have a good chance to convince him that you are still alive. It will need a lot of help from your side though too.” Tarja nodded. “No matter what you want me to do, I’ll do it.” She then replied, her voice getting softer while she added: “I just want him back…” “There’s not much you have to do.” The doctor calmed her down. “Just a lot of patience from your side…and time to talk to him…now, you have a chance to get through to him. Use it wisely.” Nodding again, Tarja rose from the chair she had been sitting on, looking down on the still seated Dr. Kunnas. “I’ll go talk to him again.” She decided, making the elder man nod and wishing her good luck before he watched her leave. Tarja walked down the hallway that led to Tuomas’ room, getting more nervous with every step. She nodded at the male nurses who stood in front of the door, and he used his keycard to open it for her, letting her in. Tuomas was sitting at the window, staring out of it deep in thought. At the sound of the door opening, he turned his head and looked at her, fear flickering in his for a moment, then vanished, leaving insecurity behind. “Hey, Tuomas.” Tarja softly spoke, walking closer to him and sitting down so she could face him. “…hey.” Tuomas mumbled after a few moments of silence, looking out of the window again. “How do you feel?” Tarja demanded to know, making him shrug. “Strange. Confused. As if my world was turned upside down within minutes.” He then replied, glancing at her for a second before his gaze returned to the window. Slowly, Tarja dared to reach out and take his hand; she was glad when he didn’t pull back. “Do you believe me now when I tell you that I’m not dead?” she carefully asked, making him shrug again. “Don’t know what I can believe anymore.” He then mumbled, looking away from the window and down on Tarjas hand which laid on his. “I remember…all of it so clearly.” He then spoke on, his voice suddenly sounding as if he was in some kind of daze. “How I came to the hospital after you…crashed the car…and how the doctors told me that there is almost no chance you might survive…” “They did tell you that.” Tarja reassured him, squeezing his hand. “But they also told you later that I am going to survive. And I did.” “I remember them telling me you would die…” Tuomas whispered in reply, finally looking up again, his gaze for the first time meeting hers out of his intention. “And I remember how you died…I hated myself so much…it was my fault that you crashed your car back then, and…” His voice broke, and he let out a strangled sob. Tarja slowly moved closer to him, pulling him into a hug. “No.” she softly spoke into his ear. “Don’t do this to yourself. It was not your fault, you hear? And no one is blaming you for it.” “You should…” Tuomas pressed out in reply. “If you were still alive, you…no…you are alive…you…” He groaned and pressed both hands against his head, making Tarja look at him in shock. “Tuomas? Tuomas, are you okay?” she asked, her voice shaking with worry, the only answer she got being another pain filled groan from the young man, then followed by the words “Head…hurts so much…” “I’ll get Dr. Kunnas.” Tarja decided, just wanting to get up when Tuomas suddenly grabbed her wrist with surprising strength. “No. Stay…” he pressed out, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Stay…show me you are real…” Touched, Tarja nodded, sitting back down and pulling him into a hug again. She felt his hands on her back, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. “Feel all of this.” She whispered into his ear, making sure he felt her breath as well, then her lips on his cheek. “This is as real as the room here…I am real, Tuomas. I’m alive…and I love you…” She felt him shiver in her arms, his breath coming in fast, hectic gasps – and then he said the words Tarja had been longing to hear again ever since they had brought him here. “I…I…I love you too…” She squeezed her eyes shut to hold back her own tears when she felt his ones dripping on her clothes, hot and salty. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” he now pressed out. “I never wanted to…I was so scared…” “It’s okay.” Tarja whispered into his ear. “It’s okay, Tuomas, don’t worry…just get healthy again…get healthy and be the man I love so much again…” Tuomas nodded into her shoulder, still shaking all over, and kept crying into her shirt until he finally calmed down again – which took a long time.

Quite some time later, Tarja had left again, Tuomas lying on the bed in his room and staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. She’s alive. She’s alive and well, and still loves me…no. She said she wants me to be the man she loved so much again…so she doesn’t love me anymore…she loves the guy I was before I came here…Well then, become that guy again. A second voice in his head spoke up. You’re on the best way to do so. Just pull it through. Snap out of your little fantasy world, return into reality and accept the facts… Tuomas squeezes his eyes shut. She’s alive…she loves me…she’s alive… Those words ran wild in his head over and over until he finally drifted off, into an uneasy sleep.

At the same time, Tarja sat in the apartment she had shared with Tuomas before all of this happened, wondering if this nightmare she lived in right now would come to an end now soon, seeing that Tuomas seemed to recover. I just hope he gets better soon…at least he doesn’t think I’m dead anymore. The singer pondered, looking out of the big panorama window that was mounted into the north wall of the apartment, out into the night. I wonder how long it will take until he is back to full health… The ringing of the phone interrupted her musings, and she sighed while getting up, making her way over to where her cordless phone laid and answering it. “Yes?” “Hey Tarja, it’s me.” Emppu’s voice came through the line, making her smile a little. “Hey Emppu. What’s up?” she then asked, sitting down on her couch and listening to the reply of the young man. “Not much. Just wanted to ask how you’re doing.” He replied, making Tarja smile again. “A little better now. Tuomas is recovering.” She then spoke, surprised when Emppu suddenly fell silent at that. She waited for him to say something, then finally asked: “Emppu? Still there?” “…yeah.” the guitarist mumbled after a few more moments of silence. “What’s wrong?” Tarja now demanded to know, suddenly getting the feeling that something was more than wrong. “Emppu, tell me!” Again, Emppu was silent for a while, then finally sighed and mumbled: “We…had a talk with the management yesterday. They…are not sure if they can keep up working for Nightwish as long as Tuomas is in this condition.” “What?” Tarja cried out, shocked. “They can’t do that!” Emppu sighed. “Unfortunately, they can. So…they are planning to cut the record deal. And it won’t be easy to get a new one as long as Tuomas is…like this.” Tarja closed her eyes for a moment. “I hope they are aware of what they would do to him when they really cut our contract.” She then softly spoke. “Who knows what it could cause for him in his current state…” Emppu sighed. “We know that, Tarja. And believe me, no one of us wants this to happen. We’ll have a talk with the management soon…you should be there too.” Tarja agreed on that, telling him that he simply should inform her where and when this talk would happen, promising she would be there before she said her goodbye and ended the call. Placing the phone back on the table, she stared into nothingness for a while, wondering if the others and she would be able to prevent this from happening – and how Tuomas would react if not.

In the next morning, Tarja arrived at the clinic at eight in the morning, just in time to get to Tuomas when he had his breakfast. She was surprised when he greeted her with a smile, offering her some of his coffee afterwards; thanking him, the singer then accepted the cup he held out to her and sat down opposite to him, looking at him. “How did you sleep?” she then asked, Tuomas looking up from the toast he had been putting marmalade on and at her. “Quite good.” He then spoke, obviously feeling much better than the day before. “I dreamed of you.” he then added after a few moments of silence, making Tarja raise one eyebrow. “Really? I hope it was a good dream.” She then spoke, smiling again when Tuomas nodded. “Yes. It was really nice.” They both fell silent again, Tarja sipping her coffee and watching Tuomas eat until he finally was done and leaned back in his seat. “I’m glad you are here.” He softly spoke, making her smile once more. “And I’m glad you don’t try to ignore me anymore.” She then replied, reaching over the table and taking his hand into hers, her heart dancing with joy when he didn’t pull back. He nodded, giving her a sly smile. “It’s still hard to…to believe that you are alive after all.” he then admitted. “But…when that guy attacked you…I saw that you are. And I’m so happy that you don’t blame me, or hate me for your accident…” “How could I.” Tarja gave back, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. “It was not your fault at all, never forget that. Okay? It was a car crash…not more, not less. Don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t cause.” Tuomas sighed slightly and nodded, his fingers squeezing hers for a moment before he pulled back his hand and got up. “I have to go talk to Dr. Kunnas now…it’ll take about an hour…will you be there when I come back?” he asked shyly, Tarja smiling and nodding. “Yes. I’ll wait here for you.” Relieved, Tuomas smiled at her before he left the room, the male nurse who already was waiting outside leading him into the therapy room where Dr. Kunnas was ready to talk to him.

During the next days and weeks, Tuomas recovered more and more, and soon everyone was convinced that he would get completely healthy again. What he didn’t know was that the record label still was giving them trouble; by now, they had decided to quit the contract, since Tuomas’ state had gotten public and the newspapers were full of it – something else Tuomas didn’t know, since it would have been more than bad for his healing process. Tarja and the others gave their best to keep the record label from quitting the contract, but in the end, they couldn’t stop it; no one knew yet though what consequences it really would have.

“They can’t do this!” Tarja spoke to Emppu with tears burning in her eyes, not believing what he just had told her. They both sat in Dr. Kunnas’ office, talking about a phone call Emppu just had received. “They can’t…God…” Emppu gave her a sad look and sighed. “They already did, Tarja…we have no contract anymore. And who knows if we will get a new one…as long as Tuomas is sick…” Tarja squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold back her tears, but failing at last. “We have to find a solution before Tuomas hears about this.” She sobbed, the tears running down her cheeks like two small rivers. “Who knows what it might do to him…” She just wanted to say more when a soft bumping sound was heard outside the door, and both Tarja and Emppu looked over in surprise. Slowly, suddenly filled with a horrible precognition, Tarja rose from her chair and walked over to the door, opening it. Her heart nearly skipped a beat when she saw Tuomas outside on the hallway, sitting with his back against the wall, staring into nothingness. Oh my God. He heard it…he heard everything… “Tuomas?” she spoke, filled with worry while moving closer and kneeling down next to him. “Tuomas?” her voice had a tint of panic in it as well this time, when he didn’t react; and suddenly she knew that what he had heard had caused a relapse, and maybe had made his condition worse than before. “Tuomas, please…” she whispered, fresh tears in her eyes, reaching out and touching his face. He didn’t react, just kept staring into nothingness, not even blinking. “Emppu”, Tarja croaked out, “go get Doctor Kunnas. Please…” Shocked, Emppu nodded and hurried off, looking for the doctor while Tarja pulled the motionless Tuomas into her arms, holding him tight to her and rocking him in her arms, hot tears streaming down her face.

“I don’t know how much he heard, and what it exactly caused in him, but…this is really drastic.” Dr. Kunnas spoke half an hour later, stopping to check on Tuomas, who laid on a bed motionless, and turned to look at Tarja again. “This is worse than the condition he was brought in here of…he doesn’t react to anything.” All Tarja could do at that was let out a soft sob, her eyes never leaving the motionless figure of her boyfriend. He just started to get healthy again…and now this fucking label caused it to get even worse than before…I wish I could drag the responsible person for this in here and show them what they did to him… Slowly, Tarja walked over to the bed and sat down next to it, Dr. Kunnas placing his hand on her shoulder for a few moments, squeezing it before he turned and left the room wordlessly, leaving Tarja alone with her boyfriend. Taking his hand, Tarja looked at him, running her free hand down his face, again not getting any reaction – and this was when she started to let the tears flow freely, her loud sobs being the only noise in the small room.

In the next morning, Tarja came at eight o’clock, entering Tuomas’ room immediately. When she arrived there, he just was fed by one of the male nurses of the clinic; he chewed and swallowed mechanically whenever the man put something into his mouth, the expression in his eyes showing that he still was far away and probably didn’t even realize that he ate something. “You can leave now.” Tarja softly spoke to the guy feeding her boyfriend, “I will take over…” The guy nodded and handed the bowl with cornflakes and milk to Tarja, leaving the room while she started to feed Tuomas, trying to capture his gaze with hers – but not succeeding. Soon, the bowl was empty, and Tarja placed it aside, taking Tuomas’ hands into hers afterwards. “Please come back to me.” She softly spoke into his ear, hoping that her voice and her breath on his face would cause something in him that would make him come back. “Please, Tuomas…” He didn’t react, not even the slightest, still staring at the wall. “Please…” Tarja whispered, hot tears once more filling her eyes. “Please…oh my God, just come back…” Looking at him, she knew that her words and her tears didn’t help, and her heart felt as if it got torn in pieces at that.

The next days were pretty much the same, Tarja visiting Tuomas every day at eight, staying until five – without causing any change in his behaviour though. Dr. Kunnas couldn’t get through to him either; the keyboarder was as apathetic as never before, not reacting to anything except for spoons with food being put into his mouth. Soon, Tarja realized that she wasn’t strong enough for this anymore; the previous happenings had taken so much of her inner strength, and this just got too much for her. She told Dr. Kunnas this on the last day that would the week of Tuomas’ new horrible state complete, in front of her boyfriends room. Before she had made her decision, she had been with Tuomas again, hugging him tight and crying into his hair, nearly begging him on her knees to come back to her – and again it hadn’t helped. She had cried so much that it almost had made her sick to her stomach, and now she simply couldn’t take it anymore. “I won’t come in the next days.” Tarja now softly spoke, the doctor giving her an understanding look. “I just…I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take it anymore to see him like this…it’s just too much. I won’t let him down, but…I need a few days to recover.” Dr. Kunnas nodded, placing one hand on her shoulder, like he had done the day Tuomas had had his relapse. “I fully understand you, Ms Turunen. It must be more than hard for you to see him like this every day…especially after he already started to recover. Take your time, and come back when you are ready. I promise you we will take good care of him.” “I know you will.” Tarja softly replied, giving the doctor a thankful look. “And…if his state changes…call me immediately.” The doctor nodded, and Tarja gave him one last weak smile before she turned and left, the sound of her disappearing footsteps sounding like thunder in Tuomas’ ears. Neither Dr. Kunnas nor Tarja knew that he had heard and understood every single word that had been spoken; he still laid in his bed motionless, staring up at the ceiling, fighting the hardest battle of his whole life. She can’t take this anymore…you have to pull out of this, or you will loose her forever…sooner or later, her patience will be gone, and she will quit visiting you…and find someone else…a normal guy who doesn’t give her so much pain…just remember how much she cried before…pull yourself together and snap out of this, or it all will be over soon. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes and trying to find his way out of the little world he had retreated himself to. Snap out of it? The nasty voice that had made him pull back into there the first place now spoke up again. What for? You ruined everything…at first you almost killed your girlfriend, and now you ruined the band too, and the lives of your friends…they lost the contract, and it’s YOUR fault…so just stay here, where they can’t harm you for it…”I’ll always be there. No matter what.” Tarjas voice appeared out of nowhere in his mind, making him remember the time shortly after they had gotten together – he still had felt slightly down and had fought with the dislike for himself, but Tarja always had been there to pull him out, like she had promised. He remembered the sound of her sweet laughter when he said something funny or when they just were together, being happy…he opened his eyes again, letting out a deep breath. Tarja kept her promise…she was there the whole time while I was here, and she never gave up…until now…and even now, she probably will come back sooner or later…I have to be there for her too now, and show her I’m still hers…show her that I still love her…I’m nothing without her… Slowly, his hands clenched into fists, and he started to breathe deeply again, the memories of the wonderful moments with Tarja flooding his brain again. “Tuomas…please, stop thinking that low of yourself.” She held him tight to herself as he shivered her arms, not knowing why he hated himself so much, but not able to stop it either. “You’re such a wonderful person…and it hurts me so much to hear you speak about yourself in such low way…” Her hands caressed his hair while she spoke those words into his ear, not even getting close to fully realizing how  much she helped him. “I love you.” she now whispered into his ear, kissing him on the cheek afterwards. “And you can’t be such a horrible person if I do that…can you?” He smiled weakly at her, finally nodding.

Dr. Kunnas looked up from the paper he had been writing on in surprise when the door to his office opened without anyone knocking before, his eyes widening when Tuomas stood there, looking at him with an awfully tired expression – as if it had taken most of his physical strength to walk from his room to the office. Wouldn’t surprise me if it had…after lying around in bed motionless for such a long time… the doctor thought to himself while he rose form his chair and rushed over to Tuomas, supporting him when he almost fell. “Call…call Tarja.” The keyboarder panted out. “Please…” Nodding, Dr. Kunnas led him over to the couch and made him sit down on it before he reached out for the phone, quickly dialling Tarjas number. Tuomas sat on the couch while he did so, rubbing his temples as if to push back an oncoming headache, listening to what the doctor said. “Miss Turunen? Come quick…yes…yes, a few minutes ago….I have no idea…but he asked me to call you…alright.” He hung up and turned to Tuomas, smiling at him. “She’ll be here as soon as possible.” Nodding, Tuomas thanked him before he asked for a glass of water, then leaned back into the couch and waited for Tarja to arrive.

The moment the door opened and Tarja stood there, Tuomas knew why it was her who made his live worth living. The way her eyes lit up when she saw him, and the smile that broke out on her face…it seemed to him as if the sun was breaking through on a cloudy day. Not saying a word, just rushing over to him, Tarja pulled him in a tight hug, burying her face in his shoulder while he hugged her back, holding her tight. “I’m so happy you are back…” she whispered, her voice shaking with tears. “I’m so happy…I love you…” “I love you too.” Tuomas softly replied, stroking her back. “And I’m sorry for causing you so  much pain…” Pulling back to look at him, Tarja took his face into her hands, holding his gaze with hers. “Don’t worry about it anymore.” She softly spoke, her fingers caressing his cheeks. “You just made me the happiest person alive…so it doesn’t matter anymore. Just…never do this to me again…” He nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. “I won’t. I promise.” He then mumbled, before he leaned in and kissed her, her lips as soft and warm on his as they always had been when she responded to the kiss. While they pulled apart again and smiled at each other, Tuomas pushed all the worries that still were in his mind away; he knew that, as long as Tarja was with him, he could face everything. Nightwish was without  a contract now, but he was convinced that they would find a new label soon; and even if not, as long as he had Tarja by his side, he knew that he didn’t need anything else.

The End.  

Tarja? It’s me, Emppu… Her blood had turned into ice.

Emppu, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? What happened? The panic had risen inside her, making it impossible for her to breathe, turning her knees into jelly.

Tuomas, he… We were worried and went to look for him and found him on his island and he… Oh my God, Tarja! The knowledge, the unbearable truth had flooded her mind, soul and heart, making her eyes widen while her breath got stuck in her throat and her heart skipped a beat.

No, Emppu, no. You’re not serious, right? Tell me you’re not serious… The denial.

I’m sorry Tarja… I wish I could… And the realization that had dawned in her brain. The realization that Tuomas was gone, gone forever, that he had moved to a place more far away than he ever had been from her before, even after the fateful letter that had ended her career with Nightwish. She felt tears shoot into her eyes again at the memory, and a small part of her was surprised by them – she had cried so much in the last days and weeks that she thought she wouldn’t have any tears left to cry. For another time, a millionth time, she reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out the letter the guys had found next to Tuomas, next to an empty pack of sleeping pills. While she unfolded it, she asked herself again if she should have seen this pack, if maybe Tuomas had died because she hadn’t looked close enough. She looked down on the letter in her shaking hands, forcing herself to hold them still so she could read it, although she knew it by heart already anyway.

Dear Tarja, dear Emppu, Marco and Jukka,

The first I want to tell you, all of you, is the most important thing – don’t blame yourselves for this. None of you. I did what I had to do, and I’m sure that I took the easy way out – as it maybe might seem for you -, but after long thinking and considering the things that happened, it was the only way left for me. I tried to live with the burden I put on myself for too long now, and I can’t keep going anymore, pretending that certain feelings are not there, not if they rule everything I do, throwing their shadow on my every day life business and reflecting in my songs. None of this is the fault of any of you, it’s me and me alone who made this decision and who pulls it through. As all of you were my friends and lightened up my path in this dark life with the bright flames of love, hope and trust you spread, all of you deserve some last words before this letter, and with it my life, ends.

Emppu – never loose your happiness and your smile. You have no idea how often you actually really got me out of the dark with just being yourself.

Marco – never change your way. I know the experiences you made during your life as a musician, and I honour and respect you for never stopping to walk on this path, not even when anyone else would have. Keep going like that.

Jukka – never forget yourself how important friends and family are, just like you never let me forget this and always reminded me of that when it was necessary. Just like Emppu, you never will know how much you helped me.

And Tarja – I’m sorry for the way all of this ended, and for the way I kicked you out of the band. You meant more to me than you ever will know, and if I only gave one percent of the happiness you gave me back to you, my life was not in vain. My last and only wish is that you forgive me how all of this ended.

Thank you, my friends, and all of you – keep going. You made my life worthy to be lived, even in times when I thought it wasn’t anymore, but now, this final step needs to be taken. Still I hope that you will remember me as the person I was during the time with Nightwish, and not as the man who I am now, after it all is over.

With love

Tuomas

Her tears fell on the already stained and crumbled paper; it still hurt to read those words, and somehow, she knew that it would hurt until the day when she finally would die as well. Still, Tarja hoped that with her visit on Tuomas’ island, she at least had fulfilled the last wish he had written about in the letter – that she had granted him the forgiveness he had asked for with her words and actions. “I’m sorry.” She whispered out, running her fingers over the piece of paper, trying to find a connection with the man who had meant so much to her and still did, even after his dead. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice anything. I’m sorry I didn’t look closer. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you, and I’m sorry all of this had to happen.” She fell silent and just looked at the letter for a while, imagining how Tuomas sat at the old wooden table in the small hut on his island, writing those last words down, the pack of sleeping pills right next to him on the table. If only she had looked twice… She closed her eyes, trying to stop new tears from welling up, folding the letter up again and putting it back into her pocket. Even though she knew that Tuomas wouldn’t approve of it, and that the other guys didn’t as well, she was aware of the fact that she probably never would sing again; it was if the passion for it had died with Tuomas. She had wondered if all the years she had invested in becoming a better singer had been for nothing then; still she knew that the spirit that always had kept her going was gone, and that there was nothing that could bring it back. Rising from her seat, Tarja slowly walked over to the living room window, gazing out of it and into the night; she saw Tuomas’ face out there, outlined by the stars in the sky. “Wherever you are, I hope you are happy now.” She whispered, placing her hand on the cold glass of the window. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed. I’m sorry I was too blind to see.” She fell silent, closing her eyes and letting her memories flood her brain. She remembered all the happy times she had shared with the guys, the troubles and arguments now forgotten; and when she stepped back from the window, she could almost feel Tuomas’ hand in hers, like it had felt back then when they had bowed on stage, and she knew that at least this part of her life hadn’t been in vain.

I close your eyes, kiss you goodbye. I’m crushed inside…

From: MacGyver

To: SwanHeart

Subject: …

Hello there,

I just sent you this PM to thank you for your nice welcome at the forum. You’re the first to tell me something like that, I think I shocked people with my first post being such a long one. So anyway, thank you very much, I hope we’ll have some nice discussions in the future.

Greetings

MacGyver

Smiling, Tarja clicked the reply button and quickly typed in her response.

From: SwanHeart

To: MacGyver

Subject: Re: …

Hello,

Thanks for your nice PM, that was something I really didn’t expect! You might be right about shocking the others, you’re the first new member I see here who started his “career” with such a long post. I really liked your way of writing though and hope to read more from you in the future.

Greetings

SwanHeart

She sent her reply, then finished her sandwich and visited some other sites before she had enough of the computer and turned it off. Once the screen was black, Tarja rose from her seat and made her way to the comfortable couch of her living room; she laid down on it with the book she currently was reading and soon got lost in the plot, not thinking about the forum and the nice PM she had received anymore.

During the next evenings, the new user with the nickname MacGyver took part in more and more discussions on the forum, Tarja liking his writing style and the way he debated more with every posting of him she read. She started to exchange private messages with him on a more or less regular basis, where they had their own deep discussions about what was going on in the world and a million other topics; he revealed to her that he liked various kinds of music as well, just like her, and soon, they talked about their favourite operas, even though he preferred the “harder stuff”, like he put it. It came so far that every time Tarja turned on her computer, she hoped there would be a message from him; and there was one every time, it seemed as if he was in front of the computer all day. She didn’t really mind it though; it only was important to her that she had a nice message to read when she came home, and as time went by, those nice messages turned into nice long messages. Tarja communicated like this for two weeks with this guy; then, she decided that it was time to take their talking to the next step and asked if he had an ICQ number. To her delight, he sent her his number only a minute later, and she added him to her contacts immediately, amused to see that his nickname there was MacGyver as well. Smiling, she opened the chat window for him and typed in her first message, for some reason feeling nervous as she did so.

“Hi there Mac!”

Her smile widened when he replied immediately, before she even had put the window down into the task bar.

“Hi there. How are you?”

“Okay, thanks. And you?”

“Okay too, thanks for asking. How was work? Any annoying brats?”

At this, Tarja giggled; he knew about her job and about some certain annoying kids in her classes already.

“They behaved today”, she typed her reply, “thank God. Must be because it’s Friday and thus, weekend.”

“Yeah, that must be the reason”, he replied. “Got any plans for the weekend?”

“Yes, I’ll go to a bar with a friend… You?”

“Nope… Just a calm time.”

At this, Tarja frowned, asking herself if he had calm times every weekend, since she had read postings from him from the last weekend as well. She didn’t comment about it though, but typed in a neutral reply.

“Sounds nice! I’ll have a drink for you then.”

“Thanks”, he replied, smiling in front of his screen. “That’s nice, I prefer beer.”

“Oh, I don’t like beer”, Tarja replied, smiling widely. “Is red wine okay?”

“Sure! Everything, as long as it’s not tequila or Bacardi coke.”

“Ok then! Red wine it is then”, Tarja settled, still smiling to herself while she waited for his reply. It came a short time later, as always; she spent almost two hours talking to this guy over the messenger, until she finally felt too tired to concentrate on the screen anymore and wished him a good night. He wished her the same, and after saying goodbye, Tarja went offline, tuned off her computer and went to sleep, her thoughts circling around this mysterious guy she had been talking to. 

In the next day, Saturday, she didn’t find the time to talk to “MacGyver”; she only had time to come online again on Sunday, after a nice evening at the bar with her best friend. When she entered ICQ in the early afternoon, after having a nice lunch, he was already there, and greeted her immediately.

“Hi! Not hung-over?”

She giggled at his greeting and shook her head before she typed her reply.

“No, not at all. I only had two glasses of wine, one of them being the one I drank for you. ”

In front of his screen, he chuckled, then wrote back.

“That’s good to know. Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“What’s your real name? I doubt it’s Swanheart…”

Again she giggled, then typed her answer.

“No, it’s not. It’s Tarja. And yours?”

“Tuomas” came the short reply, making her smile slightly.

“A beautiful name!” she then wrote.

“Thanks!” he gave back, smiling as well in front of his monitor. “Yours is very beautiful too, Tarja.”

“Oh, thank you. Hey, can I ask you something too?”

“Sure. Shoot.”

“What do you do for a living? You never told me that.”

“I’m an artist, at least I try to be one. I draw.” He replied, and she leaned forward in her chair interested.

“Really? What kind of art?”

“At the moment, advertisements. *lol* Not a very artistic thing to do, but it gets me money.”

“Oh, nice! Which ones did you draw, maybe I know some.” Tarja demanded to know, her eyes going a bit wide when he replied.

“The last one for Nokia, for example. And the one for Helsinki National Bank.”

“OMG those are by you? They’re wonderful, I love them!”

“Thanks”, he replied, blushing in front of his screen. “And you’re not just saying that?”

“Of course not”, Tarja confirmed. “I really like them. They’re greatly done!”

“Thanks again then”, he gave back, a small smile on his face. “I hope to do some more sophisticated stuff soon, but until then, that pays my food and drink.”

“I imagine”, Tarja typed, leaning back into her seat. “Hey, do you have a headset?” she then asked, and in front of his computer, Tuomas frowned.

“I do, but for what?”

“For talking! I’d like to hear your voice.” The young woman replied, smiling to herself.

“Well, yes, I do”, he replied, this time it took him longer to reply than normally. “If you want to, we can give it a try…”

Tarja smiled widely and grabbed her headset, putting it on and adjusting the microphone in front of her mouth before she pushed the Push-To-Talk Button of ICQ. On Tuomas’ screen, the little alert popped up, and he accepted. “Hello?” Tarja spoke into the microphone, the voice that sounded of her earphones sending a chill down her spine when he replied, her eyes widening. “Hi, Tarja.” Oh my God! What a voice! She thought to herself, awing so much at the deep and smooth sound of it that she forgot to reply for a moment. He obviously noticed her lack of reaction, since he spoke up again. “Tarja? Can you hear me?” “Yes”, she hurried to reply, “as if you were standing next to me…” She didn’t see him gulp at those words, but he got over his worries fast and gave back: “Good to know. I can hear you perfectly too, so I guess this works.” “Yes, thank God”, Tarja smiled, leaning back into her chair and folding her hands over her stomach. “And it’s more comfortable than typing”, she then added, hearing him chuckle, his laughter sending another chill down her spine. “Indeed”, he agreed, leaning back into his chair at well. “I hope there’s no one around to get jealous if you talk to me”, he then added, and Tarja giggled. “If this is your way to ask if I have a boyfriend, no, I don’t, so there’s no one around”, she then replied, making him laugh again. “I was talking in general, but thanks for the info.” He gave back, folding his hands behind his head. “What about you?” Tarja asked. “Any girlfriend over there who might get jealous?” There was silence for a while, and she already wondered if she had said something wrong when he finally replied. “No. No girlfriend over here…” “I see”, Tarja smiled, her heart suddenly beating faster. She scolded herself, telling herself she shouldn’t be so stupid; she couldn’t fall for someone she never had seen and only had spoken to over ICQ. Still, the way his voice made her feel… She let out a small sigh, not realizing he still could hear her. “You okay?” he immediately asked, making her sit up straight within a second, her eyes wide. Whoops… “Of course”, she hurried to reply, “I just thought about… work tomorrow.” “Aww, stressy day ahead of you?” he showed some sympathy, making her smile again. “Quite…” she then gave back. “What are your plans for today?” she then asked, and she could almost hear his smile when he replied. “I want to try and finish a drawing I started for Hesburger… It’s quite difficult to draw French fries which look happy and alive, so it takes me some time already.” At this, Tarja let out hearty laughter, causing his smile to widen on his end of the line. “I imagine that this is difficult”, Tarja brought out once her laughter had ceased a bit. “Can’t you draw a happy and alive burger?” she then asked, making him sigh before he replied. “The burger’s already there, and so is the coke and the ice cream… But those damned fries are making my hair go grey.” “What’s your hair colour?” Tarja demanded to know at his comment, realizing he hadn’t told her that yet. “And do you have a photo of yourself on the computer?” On his end of the line, he paled visibly, thankful she couldn’t see this. Still he fought to keep his voice steady as he replied. “My hair’s black… But I don’t have a photo, sorry.” “Aww, pity”, Tarja sighed out. “I’d like to see you… But I have a pic of me, do you want it?” “Sure”, he gave back, glad that she just had accepted he didn’t have a pic. A short time after he had replied, the file transfer popped up in the chat window, and he accepted it, curiously waiting for the transfer to get done. Once it had finished, he opened the file immediately, his eyes going wide at what he saw. The woman that smiled at him from the picture stunned him immediately; even though it was just a photo, it seemed as if her green eyes enchanted him, the black, long hair that framed her face only increasing the effect. He marvelled at the sharp lines of her face, imagining how he ran his fingers over the silky looking skin of her cheeks… “Did you faint now?” Her voice tore him out of his trance, and he flinched, still staring at the photo. “No…” he brought out, his voice quivering a bit. “Wow… You’re beautiful”, he then added, and she blushed on the other end of the line. “Thanks”, she softly replied, her voice showing her surprise and happiness about his compliment. “Hey, if I can’t see your photo, describe yourself to me”, she then demanded, still smiling about his words. “What colour are your eyes?” “Blue”, Tuomas smiled, making her go “Aww” at her end of the line. “But mostly hidden underneath my thick eyebrows”, he then went on, and she chuckled. “Aw come on, they can’t be that thick”, she then grinned, and he chuckled as well. “Well, they’re bushy” he then told her. “And my nose is a bit too big for my face. Other than that, I guess my face is…(ugly!) average…” “I wish I could see it to judge that myself”, Tarja sighed out, and he gulped heavily on his end of the line again. “Well…” he then started hesitatingly, “if I ever have the chance to get a photo, I’ll make one, ok?” He knew he never would do that, and the happiness he heard through Tarjas voice when she replied made his heart clench. “Okay, thanks!” the young woman beamed, then let out a small yawn. “Well Tuomas”, she spoke afterwards, “as much as I enjoyed talking to you, I have to get some sleep now…” “That’s okay”, Tuomas reassured her. “Have a nice day tomorrow”, he then added, making Tarja smile. “Thanks, you too”, she gave back, “and good luck with the French fries.” He chuckled and thanked her, then said his goodbye before he cut the talking connection. Letting out a happy sigh, Tarja took off her headphones and put them on the desk, then stood up and stretched, a constant smile on her face while she got ready for bed.

In the next day, Tarja caught herself thinking about Tuomas every time her class was busy with some assignment she had given them; she thought about his voice, the nice deep and smooth sound, and about how he had described himself to her, trying to imagine how he looked like. She managed to push her thoughts and fantasies about him aside when she had to teach something to her kids, but in the back of her head, he was always present, and she couldn’t wait to get home and talk to him again. When the last lesson finally was over, she had to hold back a squeal of happiness; quickly, she packed up her things, said goodbye to her colleagues and made her way to the car, getting inside it in a hurry. Starting the engine, she got on her way back home, forcing herself to drive slowly so she wouldn’t crash. Once she was at home, she took the time to prepare a nice dinner for herself; while the noodles for it were on the stove, she already turned on her computer and logged in to ICQ, her heart jumping in her chest when she saw the green flower next to Tuomas’ nickname, this showing that he was online. As if he had been waiting for her as well, he sent her a “Hello!” message immediately, making her smile widely. “Hey!” she replied, her heart beating faster in her chest. “How are you?”

“Okay, I guess”, he replied. “Up for a little talk?” he then added, and she smiled to herself before she typed in her reply.

“My dinner’s getting ready at the moment, and I doubt you’d want to hear me eat, but when I got done eating, we can gladly talk!”

“Okay then”, he gave back, “what will you eat?”

“Spaghetti with tomato sauce”, she informed him.

“Oh, sounds good!”

“It’s very yummy, well you could come over and share with me”, Tarja replied, grinning.

“That might be a bit far, depending on where you live”, Tuomas replied, his smile slowly fading though.

“In Helsinki! You?”

“Me too”, Tuomas typed, gulping slightly.

“Oh, nice. So, when are you here?” Tarja replied, giggling to herself.

In front of his screen, Tuomas paled visibly, racking his head for an answer. Finally, he thought he had found something that might work and quickly typed in his reply to avoid her to notice the delay in answering.

“Not today anymore, sorry”, he wrote, “I still need to finish that damned fries later.”

Tarja giggled and shook her head.

“Poor you, those fries really seem to bother you. Well my dinner’s done, I’ll eat. Be right back!”

“Okay, enjoy it.” He gave back, relieved he had managed to get her mind off meeting him personally, at least for now. She thanked him, then her status changed to “Away: Dinner”, and he leaned back into his seat, asking himself if he had made a mistake with talking to her so personally.

She came back online half an hour later, her belly full and her mood quite good. Smiling, she put on the headset, then sent the push-to-talk invitation to Tuomas. He accepted it only a few seconds later, and the connection built itself up. “Done eating?” his voice drifted to her moments later, sending another shiver down her spine. “Yes”, she replied, leaning into her chair. “It was very yummy, you missed something”, she then added, and he chuckled in reply. “I don’t doubt it”, he gave back, folding his hands behind his head. “I’ll gladly prove it to you anyway”, Tarja smiled, to his dismay bringing the topic of meeting personally up once more. “That’s very kind”, Tuomas replied, trying to hide how much this thought bothered him. “You maybe shouldn’t be so trustworthy though and invite me into your home, what if I’m some kind of psycho?” he then added, causing the young woman to giggle. “I doubt you are”, she gave back, “you don’t sound like one at all.” “Really? Then how do I sound?” Tuomas demanded to know, relieved about the topic change he had managed to pull through. “Nice…” Tarja now told him. “And gentle… Caring… I imagine you’re a very caring guy when it comes to your friends and loved one, right?” He swallowed heavily, a thought flashing up momentarily in his mind – If I had any friends or a loved one, I would be – , but he pushed it aside quickly and replied. “I guess I am… At least I try to be…” He held back a sigh while Tarja smiled. “See? So I was right and you’re not a psycho. And thus, you can visit me here.” Closing his eyes, Tuomas racked his brain for an answer; this time, Tarja did notice the delay. “Hey, still there?” she asked, making him flinch in his seat. “Yes”, he hurried to reply, “sorry… I was off for a moment.” “I noticed”, Tarja giggled, then her tone got serious again. “Look, if my talking about you coming here makes you feel uncomfortable, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve really grown to like you, and I’d like to meet you personally…” Tuomas gulped again, sweat forming on his brow while he formed a reply. “It’d be nice indeed”, he slowly spoke, “but… Well, I’m quite busy with my drawings, you know, and…” “It’s okay”, Tarja interrupted him, smiling slightly again. “I don’t want to push you. As I said, it’d just be nice to meet you some time…” “Yeah, some time”, Tuomas agreed, glad that this topic had been put on hiatus, at least for now. Once he had settled this with Tarja, he changed the topic again, asking her how her day had been; she gladly told him about it, her idea to make him come to her place always present in the back of her mind though.

During the next days and weeks, Tarja talked to Tuomas every evening, her wish to meet him personally growing stronger with every day that passed. To her big dismay though, he either made up some excuse why he couldn’t meet her, or just changed the topic when she started talking about it; she wondered why he behaved like this, but couldn’t come up with any reason. It bothered her more and more that he obviously didn’t want to meet her, and her disappointment about this grew until she decided she wouldn’t wait for him to accept a meeting anymore. Determined to find out where he lived so she just would drop by, she started her research by typing the company he made his last art for into Google, the advertisement he had drawn being the first thing on the main page of the company. She browsed through it until she found the copyright info about the picture, smiling when she read what stood there. Copyright: Tuomas Holopainen. It wasn’t much info, but now, she knew his surname and since he had told her already he lived in Helsinki as well, it made things much easier for her. She opened the site of the Finnish online phone book and typed in his full name, then limited the search area to Helsinki before she let the search run. To her dismay, the result brought her three Tuomas Holopainens in Helsinki, and she frowned at the site for a moment before she grabbed her phone. She dialled the first number and listened curiously; when the owner of the number answered, she knew it wasn’t her Tuomas, explained she had dialled wrongly and hung up quickly. Calling the second number, her heart beat with sudden anticipation when the call was taken; she knew why when she heard Tuomas’ marvellous voice drift through the speaker. “Hello?” Not saying a word, Tarja hung up quickly, feeling like dancing with joy – she knew where he lived now. She giggled to herself happily, already planning when she would go there and what she wear, her heart beating in her chest with excitement.

She had to wait until next Saturday with her surprise visit, since she didn’t know how long she might stay there once she had arrived there; before she drove to the address she had found in the phone book, she bought a bottle of wine and a pack of chocolate she knew Tuomas liked, then finally made her way to the street he lived in. She parked her car in front of the house which was his, taking in a deep breath before she got out of it and slowly made her way to the front door of the house, clutching the bag which held the wine bottle and the pack of chocolate tightly. She took in another deep breath before she walked over to the front door and rang the bell. Her heart almost jumped out of her chest when she heard heavy footsteps approach the door; when it opened moments later, all she could do was stop and stare, her heartbeat stopping for a moment. The man in front of her had black hair and blue eyes, like he had said; his face wasn’t average though, not at all. She found herself unable to tear her gaze away from the thick and thin scars that ran over his face, crossing the skin of his cheeks and some of them vanishing in the collar of his shirt. “Tarja?” he now brought out, his shock clearly showing through his voice. She forced herself to nod, still not able to tear her gaze from the horrible scars covering his face. “Tuomas…?” she then asked, almost praying that he would say No, but knowing that her prayer was in vain. He looked at her sadly and nodded, causing her to cover her mouth with one hand. “I… I’m sorry”, she finally brought out, “I shouldn’t have come here…” He just looked at her, the sad and resigned expression in his eyes unnoticed by her as she stepped back. “I have to go… I’m sorry…” she repeated, then turned and hurried back to her car, walking so fast that she was almost running. Tuomas remained where he was, watching her get into the car and rush away; he stared after her sadly until she was out of sight, then stepped back into his house and closed the door, trying to fight back his tears as he leaned against the wood, his head hanging low.

Once she was far enough from his house, Tarja stopped the engine, resting her forehead on the steering wheel and letting out a heavy sigh. Why didn’t he tell me? An average face, yeah right… She thought to herself, anger filling her momentarily about the lie he had told. Then, she pushed it aside and let out another sigh, stepping down on the gas pedal again and getting on her way back home. Once she reached her home, she immediately turned on the computer; her heart sank a bit when she saw that Tuomas was offline, and suddenly, she remember the sad and pained expression she had seen in his eyes when she had told him she had to go. She looked at the screen quietly for a moment, then opened her internet browser and opened the forum where she had met Tuomas for the first time. She made her way to the private message area of the site, typing in his nickname and writing him a short message, apologizing for her quick leave and asking him to come online as soon as possible so they could settle this. She sent the private message, then patiently started to wait; when one hour later though, he still hadn’t replied, her patience slowly started to fade. Still, she forced herself to wait, not wanting to spam him; she waited for a reply until it was time to go to bed, then she sighed and turned off her computer, hoping she would see him online in the next day.

While Tarja turned off her computer and went to bed, sleeping an uneasy sleep, Tuomas sat in front of his computer screen, staring at it without seeing what it showed. He saw that Tarja had sent him a private message in the forum where he had met her; he didn’t want to read it though, too afraid of what she might have written. Sighing, he forced himself to browse away from the site and to another one; he tried not to think about Tarja anymore, even though he already knew he would miss her, he had gotten so used to talking to her already. The expression in her face when she had seen him had been enough for him though; he knew he had lost her, and even though it pained him, he tried not to think about it too much, knowing that there was nothing he could do about it and cursing himself for thinking she might have been different than all the others who despised him because of his looks.

Days passed without Tarja meeting Tuomas online, and she missed him more and more. She sent him more private messages, as well as e-mails; he never responded though, and she cursed herself for reacting how she had reacted when she had seen him. Dammit, how could I behave that way? She now thought to herself, four days after her visit in Tuomas’ home. Who knows how much I hurt him with my reaction… I’m so stupid!  She shook her head to herself, then suddenly rose from her chair, knowing she had to make up for her mistake. She hurried out into the hallway and put on her shoes and jacket, then rushed out to her car; moments later, she had started the engine and drove away from her house, down the street that would lead her to Tuomas’ home, eager to make up for what she had done. 

Tuomas glanced up from the drawing he had been working on when his doorbell rang, wondering silently to himself who this could be. He carefully placed his drawing pad on the couch, then got up from it and made his way to the front door, opening it. He stared in surprise when he saw who stood in front of it; smiling at him shyly, Tarja mumbled a soft “Hi”, feeling slightly uncomfortable underneath his gaze. “Hey…” he finally brought out, asking himself if he had fallen asleep while drawing and was dreaming now. “What are you doing here?” he finally asked, causing the young woman to shuffle her feet uneasily, the sudden cold tone of his voice surprising her – she never had heard him talk like that before. “Well…”, she started, her voice quivering when she looked at him and saw the hard glance that had replaced the sadness in his eyes, “I came here because… I’m sorry…” “You’re sorry”, Tuomas repeated, raising his eyebrow at her, she couldn’t help but notice how one of the scars that ran through it moved along as well. “Well, just for your information, I don’t need your sympathy.” He went on coldly, causing her to look at him shocked. “What?” she then gave back, “but Tuomas… I…” “You what?” Tuomas snapped when she trailed off, crossing his arms over his chest. “You thought you just come here, tell me you’re sorry and everything’s fine? It doesn’t work that way, Tarja, not after what happened a few days ago. You think I haven’t seen how you looked at me? That disgust in your eyes? It’s not the first time I see it, and it won’t be the last time, but the others who looked at me like that at least were honest enough to stick to it, and didn’t come along with fake sympathy.” “But… Tuomas, I was just surprised!” Tarja gave back, fighting hard to keep her composure. “I didn’t expect something like…” She trailed off, and he made a vague gesture at his face. “Something like this? Sorry to disappoint you that I’m not what you expected, if you’re looking for Prince Charming, that’s the wrong house as you probably noticed. So you better go and look somewhere else for your perfect guy, I’m not and I’ll never be. Bye, Tarja…” He stepped back, wanting to close the door before the mask of anger he had put on could slip and show how he really felt, but her voice stopped him, her voice and the tears he heard in it. “Please, Tuomas, don’t… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Her voice broke and she sniffled, hanging her head low so he wouldn’t see the tears that now rolled down her cheeks as she spoke on. “I came here because I’ve grown to like you, a lot…” she whispered. “And I’ve missed you in the last days… I know I hurt you, and that I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but… I just couldn’t help it… I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore now, but… You should know that I came here because I really liked and missed you and not because I feel sorry for you and want to make you feel better…” He looked at her silently, then let out a small sigh, glancing down on his feet. “I guess I should’ve told you why I didn’t want to meet you instead of making up excuses”, he mumbled, causing her to look up at him again, her tears glistening on her cheeks. “Please don’t cry”, he added helplessly at the sight, “I can’t take it to see women cry…” Sniffling, Tarja smiled weakly and wiped off her tears, giving him a thankful glance when he pulled a crumpled pack of handkerchiefs from his pocket and offered it to her. She blew her nose and wiped her face, then stuffed the hanky into her pocket, not sure where to look now. “Well…” Tuomas started hesitatingly, “do you… want to come in? We shouldn’t settle this here on the threshold…” Smiling weakly, Tarja nodded, causing the young man to step aside and let her enter. She did so, taking off her coat and shoes in the hallway; Tuomas took the coat from her and put it on one of the free hooks after he had closed the door, then made a vague gesture to one of the doors in the hallway. “Let’s go to the living room…” Nodding again, Tarja followed him into said room; he offered her a seat on the couch before he asked if she wanted something to drink, making her tell him a glass of water would be nice. He wandered off into the kitchen to get it; while he was gone, Tarja glanced on the drawing pad that laid on the couch, carefully picking it up afterwards and looking at it. “Like it?” Tuomas’ voice came from the doorway as he entered, carrying two glasses of water and handing her one of them before he sat down. “It’s nice”, Tarja smiled back weakly, placing the drawing pad on the table. “What is it for?” “Hesburger again…” Tuomas replied, taking a sip from his water before he spoke on. “They finally gave up on the happy fries…” At this, Tarja giggled, and the young man smiled weakly at her before he put his glass back on the table. “I’m sorry for snapping at you like that”, he softly spoke, looking down on the polished surface of the table as he spoke. “That’s okay”, Tarja sighed, making him look up at her again. “I’m sorry for how I reacted… It wasn’t right to treat you like this. I… I was so surprised at seeing you that I forgot you’re still this awesome and nice guy I’ve been talking to…” He blushed a bit at that, giving her an insecure smile while he shifted on his seat. “And I’ve missed our talks”, Tarja now went on, “and I felt so bad for how I treated you… That’s why I came here…” Tuomas nodded, playing with his glass now. “I didn’t expect you to come back”, he softly replied after a while of silence. “I thought that… this… scared you away…” He made a vague gesture at his face again, the defeated tone he spoke with almost breaking Tarjas heart. “How did it happen?” she then softly asked, and he looked up at her again. “An accident… Something you think which only happens in movies”, he then told her, letting out a sigh afterwards. “The woman I was dating back then and I had gone on a shopping spree… In some restaurant, the cook had left the gas on before he had gone home, and when the cleaning woman turned on the light, a spark caused it to explode. The restaurant had a big panorama window, and that got blown into pieces… And they hit me.” “Oh my God”, Tarja breathed out, surprising him by reaching over the table and taking his hand. “That’s so horrible… And your girlfriend? Was she okay?” He nodded and smiled bitterly, looking down on her hand holding his as he spoke on. “She was, but she left me a short time later… She was ashamed to date someone like me.” “What?” Tarja brought out, shocked to hear such a thing. Tuomas shrugged, giving her another weak smile. “I got over it… It hurt at first, but it doesn’t anymore. It still hurts to be treated as if I have a nasty disease though when I go outside… That’s why I do most things online.” “I see…” Tarja mumbled, squeezing his hand gently. “I’m sorry that you are treated like this… And I can’t tell you how sorry I am for being one of the persons who treated you like this”, she whispered, fresh tears glistening in her eyes. Squeezing her hand as well, Tuomas smiled weakly at her. “Don’t be sorry… You’re the only one who ever cared enough to come back and talk about it”, he brought out, causing Tarja to look at him pitifully before she surprised him once more by letting go of his hand and hugging him. After a few moments of hesitation, he returned the hug; he put his arms around her, a sudden shiver running through his body at this close contact he hadn’t experienced for so long. He let out a small, happy sigh when she caressed his back; when she pulled back from the hug, he felt almost pity that it was over. Still he smiled at her, leaning back into his seat again while Tarja reached for her glass and took another sip of the water. Carefully, she put the glass back on the table, then leaned into the couch as well, giving the young man a hearty smile. “So… Now that we settled this…” she then started, making Tuomas look at her, curiously what she might say next. “Yes?” he demanded to know, making her smile at him a bit shyly before she finally spoke on. “Well… The invitation for dinner at my place is still valid.” Tuomas looked at her stunned for a moment, this was something he hadn’t expected to hear; then, he smiled. “That’s nice to know…” he replied, causing Tarja to sit up straight again. “Why don’t we go there now?” she asked, and he frowned at her. “Now? To your place?” he repeated, and she giggled and nodded. “Yes… Why not?” He considered this for a moment, then shrugged and smiled. “Sure, if there’s no inconvenience for you…” “Of course not”, Tarja smiled back, already rising from her seat. “Come on, let’s go!” Nodding, Tuomas got up as well; he made his way out into the hallway with Tarja, both putting on their coat and shoes there before they got out of the house and to Tarjas car. Tuomas took a seat on the passengers seat while Tarja started the engine, driving off to her house moment later. Leaning back into the seat, Tuomas looked out of the window deep in thought; he never would have expected Tarja to come back after what had happened, and now that she was there and was even taking him to her home, he wondered if maybe he had found the friend he had been longing for now. He got torn out of his thoughts when Tarja stopped the car, her voice following seconds later. “We’re here.” Nodding, Tuomas got out of the car with the young woman, then made his way to the entrance of the house Tarjas apartment was located in. They got up into the first floor, where Tarja unlocked the door and let the young man enter. “Wow, looks nice”, Tuomas spoke while he stepped into the apartment and glanced around it. “Thanks”, Tarja smiled, then made a vague gesture down the hallway. “Wanna come to the kitchen with me and see what food we can find?” “Sure”, Tuomas agreed, following the young woman over into the kitchen afterwards. There, both Tarja and he peeked into the fridge; soon, Tarja had decided on what she wanted to cook, refused to let him help her though. “No, no, you’re my guest, you won’t work here”, she smiled at the young man, shooing him over into the living room. “Just take a seat here and wait until I’m done. Do you want a drink? I have ice tea and coke here.” “Ice tea would be nice…” Tuomas muttered while she made him sit down on the couch, slightly stunned; it was the first time since the horrible accident that he was considered a guest somewhere. “Okay, I’ll get you a glass and then start cooking”, Tarja smiled. “I hope you like salmon”, she then added, making the young man nod. “Yeah, I like it…” “Great”, Tarja beamed at him before she vanished into the kitchen. She brought him the glass of ice tea she had promised, then left him alone again; he heard her rummage around in the kitchen while he leaned back into the couch, letting his eyes wander through the nicely decorated room. His eyes fell on a notepad that laid on the table, along with a biro; after considering if he could do that for a while, he picked it up and started to scribble on it randomly, making little cartoon drawings of how he imagined Tarja cooking. He smirked when he heard her let out a swearword in the kitchen, then drew a little Tarja jumping in anger next to a pot with a black cloud rising from it. He looked it at for a moment, then added a comic-like bubble of speech, scribbling some symbols into it to represent her curses. He chuckled to himself at the outcome of his little drawing, then added some more in a similar style until Tarja finally came walking into the living room, carefully balancing two plates with steaming hot food as she made her way to the table. She put one of the plates down in front of him, then sat down and placed her on plate on the table as well. Then, her eyes fell on the notepad Tuomas still held, and she looked at him curiously. “What did you draw?” He smiled and handed it to her in reply; she studied it for a while, then giggled. “Aw, how cute! That’s me, right?” “Yeah”, Tuomas gave back, glad that she didn’t get mad about the way he had drawn her jumping and cursing. “Can I keep that?” she now asked, making him nod. “Sure. It’s not very good though…” he then said, and she shook her head. “It’s really cute, I like it”, she told him, carefully tearing the paper he had drawn on off the notepad. “I’ll put this on my pin board…” “I can make a better one for you to put there”, Tuomas offered, “this I just scribbled while I waited for you…” “It’d be nice if you could”, Tarja smiled back, “but I really like this one… So no need to stress yourself about a better one.” “It’s not stressing me”, Tuomas reassured her, “I love drawing and it’s a nice change from all the advertisements…” Tarja nodded in agreement. “I imagine, drawing those advertisements all the time must get tiring after a while…” He shrugged, picking up the fork she had put to the plate with salmon and rice, eyeing the creamy sauce she had made as an addition curiously. “Hope you like it”, Tarja now spoke while he carefully moved a piece of salmon up to his mouth, then took the bite, chewing slowly. “Wow”, he then muttered after he had swallowed, “that’s very good!” “Thanks!” Tarja beamed, obviously happy that he liked what she had made. “I gave my best…” she then added, causing the young man to smile back at her. “It’s awesome”, he then reassured her, taking another bite of the food afterwards. Smiling at him, Tarja started to eat as well; when they had gotten done eating, they just sat in the living room and talked for hours, enjoying each others company and the fact that, despite the hard start they had had, everything went just fine between them.

A few hours later, Tarja drove Tuomas back to his home, both happy for the nice evening they had spent together. “Thanks for the invitation”, Tuomas spoke as soon as the car stopped in front of his house. “Next time, I’ll cook for you if you want me to…” At this, Tarjas heart sang with joy, since it meant he wanted to meet her again. “Gladly”, she smiled at him. “When?” At this, Tuomas grinned, moving a strand of his long hair out of his face. “Rushing things again, I see”, he then smirked, and the young woman blushed slightly. “Sorry”, she apologized, giving him a hearty smile afterwards. “But when?” Tuomas chuckled slightly and shrugged. “Whenever you want.” He then gave back. “Just come over when you feel like it… I’m at home most of the time.” “Okay”, Tarja agreed, then let go of the steering wheel to hug him shortly. “Have a nice night”, she softly spoke to him, “and see you soon.” “You too”, Tuomas gave back, returning the hug before he got out of the car and made his way to the front door. Tarja remained where she was until he had vanished in the house; then, she let out a small dreamy sigh and started the engine again, driving back to her home.

While Tarja was on her way back to her apartment, Tuomas laid down on his bed, folding his hands underneath his head. He sighed as he looked up at the ceiling, letting the nice evening he had spent with Tarja pass in front of his inner eye once more. She’s so cute… he thought to himself, smiling slightly at the memory of Tarjas smile and her laughter. And such a wonderful person… I wonder if she would… Nah, don’t even think that. She may like you as a friend, but I’m no boyfriend material, not for someone like her… He sighed, then reached for his nightstand and grabbed the book he currently was reading, trying to focus on it and not on the feeling of warmth that filled his heart when he thought about the way Tarja smiled at him.

When she arrived at her home, the first thing Tarja did was pick up the drawing Tuomas had made once more, looking down on it with a slight smile on her face. She carefully trailed her index finger over the little cartoon version of herself, giggling when she looked at how well he had drawn it – it was obvious that it was her. He’s so talented… And such a great guy to talk to… She placed the piece of paper on the table again, then got up to get a pin so she could add it to her collection of things she liked on her pin board. Carefully, she pinned the piece of paper to the board, giggling at it once more before she got ready for bed, soon lying comfortably underneath the thick blanket. She smiled to herself at the memory of the nice evening she had spent with Tuomas, then rolled over and drifted off into sleep, dreaming of her next meeting with the young man.

In the next days, Tarja met Tuomas only online, due to the fact that after work, she was too tired to go out. He understood it though, talking to her over the headset and entertaining her with his stories about what he did when his drawings went wrong, telling her how he often looked for his pens after he had thrown them through the room in anger. During one of those talks, they also decided that Tarja would visit Tuomas at his home the next Saturday, so he could cook for her; right after this had been settled, the young man started to browse the internet for a recipe he would be able to do, soon deciding that he would try to make some lasagne. He ordered the stuff he need from it online, like he ordered all his food; the service he used was made for people who couldn’t leave their apartments, but they had taken him into their customer list after he had exchanged some emails with them and had explained his situation. Along to the things needed for the lasagne, he also ordered a nice bottle of red wine and a frozen chocolate cake; to his luck, it all arrived Friday afternoon, making sure he’d be able to prepare everything in time. He started making the lasagne Saturday afternoon at two p.m., knowing that Tarja would come over at five; the cake already stood on the counter where it defrosted slowly while he put the lasagne into the oven as soon as he had finished preparing it. He watched for a while how the cheese on top of it started to melt, then checked on the cake before he made his way into the living room, spending the time there with working on his newest advertisement until it was time to get the lasagne out of the oven. Just when he did so, the doorbell sounded; smiling, Tuomas put the hot baking pan on the counter, then made his way to the door and opened it. “Hey!” Tarja smiled, stepping closer and hugging him shortly. “Hi”, he replied while pulling back from the hug, helping her out of her coat before she took off her shoes while he hung her coat up on the wall. “I hope you’re hungry”, the young man smiled as soon as this was done, making Tarja nod. “As a wolf… Hey, what’s this nice smell?” she demanded to know, making him smile at her again. “That’s lasagne a la Tuomas. Hope you’ll like it.” He grinned, and the young woman nodded in reply. “If it only tastes half as good as it smells, I’ll love it”, she then reassured him, before she made her way into the living room, where he asked her to sit down and wait. Curiously, Tarja waited for him to arrive with the food; he did a short time later, carrying in the baking pan and making her stare at how much he actually had prepared. “Wow”, she finally brought out, “did you invite someone else too or do you just want to get me fat?” Tuomas chuckled and shrugged. “There’s no one else invited”, he then winked at her before he left again, coming back with two plates, forks and glasses, as well as the bottle of red wine. Tarja took the bottle from him, using the corkscrew he handed her to open it, and filled up the glasses while Tuomas cut into the lasagne carefully, lifting a rather big piece out of the baking pan and on one of the plates. He filled the second plate as well and gave it to Tarja, accepting the glass of wine she handed to him afterwards. “Cheers”, the young woman then smiled, raising her glass to him. He smiled back as they clinked glasses, then both took a sip from the wine, Tarja letting out a small sigh. “Wow, that’s really good wine… Where did you buy it?” Tuomas gulped a bit at that, then told her where he had bought it, informing her he got all his food and other useful stuff like shampoo and toothpaste from this online shop. “Oh”, Tarja muttered once he had gotten done, “I see…” She fell silent, then smiled at him again, picking up the fork. “And now, the lasagne.” Curiously, Tuomas watched how she loaded some of the still steaming food on her fork and blew on it gently before she put it into her mouth; his heart started to beat a bit faster while she chewed, and he hoped and prayed she would like it. When she smiled at him after she had swallowed, relief filled him. “That’s great. I think lasagne a la Tuomas might be one of my new favourite meals from now on.” “I’m glad you like it…” Tuomas smiled, now daring to eat as well. They both ate as much from the lasagne as they could; when Tuomas brought in the cake afterwards, Tarja groaned. “Oh, God, you should have told me you have cake…” she sighed, looking at it with an anticipated gleam in her eyes though. “I love chocolate cake…” “I’m sure you can still find room for it”, Tuomas smirked while he cut a piece of the cake and put it on the small plate he had prepared. Tarja accepted it gently, letting out another sigh when she took the first bite into her mouth. “That’s so good”, she mumbled, holding herself back not to gobble it all down at once. “It’s only a frozen cake which I defrosted”, Tuomas admitted, taking a bite from it as well afterwards. “I wouldn’t be able to make a cake to save my life…” Tarja giggled, then shrugged, taking another bite from the cake. “I don’t care if you made it yourself or not, it’s awesome”, she then told him. “Glad you like it”, Tuomas smiled, then covered his mouth to hold back a burp. “Whoa, I’m stuffed”, he sighed afterwards, causing Tarja to nod. “So am I… Hey, why don’t we go on a little walk?” Tuomas glanced at her insecurely for a moment, then nodded, deciding that a little walk couldn’t hurt – most people probably were in the various bars and clubs of town already anyway and thus wouldn’t see him to make nasty comments about him. “Sure”, he agreed, “it might be nice… And will ease that stuffy feeling.” “That’s why I suggested it”, Tarja smiled, then rose from her seat. “Let’s go then?” Nodding, Tuomas got up as well; they both put on their shoes and jackets before they left the house, soon strolling down the quiet streets. “What a nice evening”, Tarja spoke after a few moments of silence, making Tuomas nod. “Nice indeed… Not too cold and not too warm”, he then replied, and Tarja giggled slightly. “Indeed, but that’s not what I was talking about…” “Then what?” Tuomas asked surprised, and Tarja smiled up at him before her fingers slipped into his, taking a gentle hold of his hand. “Spending it with you”, she replied, and he blushed slightly. “Oh… well… Yes… That’s nice indeed…” Smiling at him, Tarja squeezed his hand gently, then concentrated on the street again while they kept walking next to each other. After they had been wandering down the street like that for a while, the neon sign of a small bar appeared in the distance; Tarja made a vague gesture at it, then looked at Tuomas. “Hey, why don’t we go there for a drink?” Gulping, Tuomas glanced from the sign at her, his eyes showing how insecure he felt about this. “I don’t know Tarja…” he then mumbled, letting out a small sigh afterwards. “People tend to be nasty when they see me… Especially drunk ones in bars…” “Aww”, Tarja gave back, “I’m sure they’ll leave you alone… And I’ll protect if you anyone goes nasty at you.” she then promised, making the young man smile weakly at her. “Really?” Tuomas gave back, and she nodded, tugging his hand afterwards. “Come on, Tuo, please…” It was the nickname she used for him that made him change his mind about the bar, that and the way she looked at him, her eyes showing she really wanted to go there with him. “Okay, fine…” He agreed, and Tarja smiled happily, gently squeezing his hand afterwards. “Great, let’s go then”, she smiled, then both entered the bar, Tuomas’ heart hammering in his chest. At first, it seemed as if no one would even notice them; they made their way to one of the tables unnoticed and sat down there, Tuomas glancing through the bar afterwards. To his relief, most of the people there seemed to be in their thirties; experience had showed him that older people mostly ignored him while the younger ones were those who made nasty comments. He hadn’t seen the group of teenagers sitting at one of the tables though; he only noticed them when one of them spoke up, his voice directed at Tarja. “Hey, Sweetie! Where did you meet your boyfriend, at the plastic surgery?” Angered, Tarja glared over at the guy who had spoken, the laughter of his friends only causing her anger to burn brighter while Tuomas hung his head low and the other people in the bar stared, some at Tuomas, others at the guy who had spoken. “Shut your mouth!” Tarja now snapped, glaring at the guy once more when he chuckled. “What is, getting angry, Mrs Frankenstein?” he then asked, his friends laughing again. Tarja felt the sudden urge to stand up and slap the guy; before she could do so though, Tuomas interrupted her by rising from his chair so abruptly that it almost fell over. Shocked, Tarja looked at him, but before she could say something, he had hurried out of the bar. “Look at what you did now, stupid asshole!” Tarja snapped at the guy who had spoken, then hurried outside as well, looking left and right helplessly. She spotted Tuomas at the second glance; he was walking away from the bar and into the direction of his home, so fast that he was almost running. “Tuomas, wait!” she called out, but he ignored her, only continuing his fast walking. “Wait, please!” Unlike him, she now started to run; she caught up to him quickly, grabbing his arm and making him stop at last. When he looked at her, she was shocked to see tears glistening in his eyes. “Tuomas…” she started, but he shook off her hand, then shook his head. “No… Stay away from me”, he croaked out, causing her to grab his forearm again. “No! Why would I?” she shot back, and he made a vague gesture at the bar. “Because this will be your life from now on if you keep being my friend…” he pressed out, his voice shaking with held back tears. “They all are gonna treat you like that for being seen with me”, he went on while Tarja looked at him, a mixture of shock and sadness in her eyes. “It maybe doesn’t bother you now, but it will soon… You’ll start to hate it, and sooner or later you’ll hate me for doing this to you. And before this happens, I’d rather stop meeting you and remember the nice times we’ve had…” “No, Tuomas”, Tarja brought out, tightening her grip on his arm when she sensed he wanted to turn and run away from her. He let out a strangled sob, and Tarja pulled him into her arms, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry”, he whispered into her hair. “I just don’t want to make you unhappy…” “Tuomas, stop that”, Tarja gave back, rubbing his back gently. “You’re not… You’re making me happy, I love every second I can spend with you! I don’t care what such fools think about you, it doesn’t matter… Please, look at me.” She placed her hand on his cheek gently, not minding the feeling of the knotty scars beneath her skin, and made him look at her, the tears that glistened on his cheeks breaking her heart. “You’re very important to me”, she softly spoke, holding his gaze with hers. “I’ve really grown to like you, Tuomas, and you mean so much to me… Don’t let such idiots ruin that.” Her thumb gently moved over his skin, wiping off his tears; he just looked at her quietly, his lower lip quivering as he fought against fresh tears. “Hey… Don’t cry…” Tarja whispered, smiling at him. “Let me make you as happy as you make me…” And with those words, she leaned up to him and kissed him, her lips warm and gentle on his. His eyes widened in surprise momentarily, he couldn’t believe that a woman like Tarja would kiss someone like him; then, he regained his senses, realized what was going on and kissed her back, his arms wrapping around her without him even fully noticing. Slowly, Tarja pulled back from the kiss without deepening it; she smiled at him, savouring the feeling of his hands resting on her back. “…wow…” he brought out, obviously stunned and not believing that this really had happened. “Pinch me please… I think I’m dreaming”, he added, causing Tarja to giggle before she reached up and caressed his cheek. “I’d rather kiss you again”, she then whispered, “and I can assure you you’re not dreaming…” With those words, she did what she had told and kissed him once more, causing a shiver to run down his spine. He sighed while tightening his hug on her; this kiss didn’t deepen either, and after they had pulled apart again, Tuomas realized that this was as real as it could get. Smiling up at him, Tarja pulled back from the hug and took his hand. “Let’s go home again”, she suggested, making him nod. “I don’t want to face those fools again…” “Neither do I”, Tuomas agreed, and after the two had smiled at each other once more, they started to wander down the street, back to Tuomas’ home.

During the next days and weeks, Tarja and Tuomas grew closer and closer together; after the incident at the bar, they mostly spent their time together at his or her home, but also went out sometimes, the young man soon learning to ignore the comments and not minding them anymore, not as long as Tarja was with him to cheer him up and distract him. Now, three weeks and five days after they had gotten together, they were in his house once more, and Tarja was looking at the newest advertisement he was drawing. Since it was for a company which focused on womanly products, he hoped she’d be able to help him on making it appealing, and even though she knew nothing about marketing and advertising, she helped him as good as possible, telling him what she would like to see in such advertisements and what not. He took up all her suggestions thankfully, working them into the drawing immediately; Tarja watched him, fascinated at how fast his fingers moved the pencil over the paper and created one nice picture after the other. “How are you doing that?” she asked after watching him in silence for a while, causing him to look up at her. “What?” he asked back, clearly not getting what she was talking about. Smiling, Tarja made a vague gesture at the drawing pad. “This. Drawing so quickly, and so well…” Shrugging, Tuomas smiled back at her, letting his pencil rest for a moment. “That’s just training, I guess”, he then told her. “I’ve been drawing from the moment on I was able to hold a pencil, but my first drawings weren’t really worth to be mentioned.” Tarja giggled at that, imagining a three year old Tuomas drawing little stick figures. “Do you think you could teach me?” she then asked, looking at him again. “Every time I try to draw someone, it looks as if this person jumped out of South Park…” At this, Tuomas chuckled as well, then shrugged. “Sure. If you want to learn how to draw faces, that’s not very hard once you got the hang of it…” He turned the page of his drawing pad, revealing a new and empty page, then patted the couch next to him. “Come sit here with me”, he smiled, making the young woman nod before she moved closer to him. He handed his pencil to her, then gave her the drawing pad; she placed it in her lap just like she had seen him doing it, a shiver running through her momentarily when he moved closer to her and put one arm around her shoulders, his other hand taking a gentle hold of hers. “It’s the easiest if you start with the characteristics of a face, namely eyes, nose and mouth”, he muttered to her, his hand guiding hers over the paper as he spoke, creating the first lines. Tarja didn’t pay much attention on what he was showing her though; his warm breath on her ear and the feeling of his arm around her distracted her quite badly from it. Still she let him go on for a while, until the lust he made her feel had reached a point where she barely could handle it anymore; she distracted him from what he was drawing with her by putting her free hand on his upper leg and caressing it, dangerously close to the crotch of his pants. Surprised, Tuomas stopped the drawing and looked at her; she smiled at him before she kissed him gently, deepening the kiss after a short while. He let out a sigh at the feeling of her tongue meeting his, a shiver running through him when her hands both moved to his back and caressed it through the thin shirt he was wearing. He let the pencil and drawing pad fall down to the ground carelessly and hugged her tightly as their kiss got more passionate; when one of her hands moved to his shirt though, obviously with the intention to unbutton it, he suddenly broke the kiss though, moving away from her. Surprised, Tarja stared at him; while she still asked herself what was wrong with him now, he rose from his seat, smiling at her nervously. “Sorry, I… I need to go to the toilet”, he brought out, then already left the room before she could reply anything. Stunned, Tarja looked after him; she couldn’t believe he left her to pee in a moment like this. “What the…” she muttered to herself, running a shaky hand through her hair and shifting on the couch; her pants felt way too tight now, but somehow, she knew she wouldn’t get any release now. Sighing, she leaned back into the couch, asking herself what exactly had caused Tuomas to react like this when she had tried to get a little bit more intimate with him. It took him a surprisingly long time to come back; when he finally entered the living room again, she looked at his crotch as unobtrusively as possible, holding back a frown when she didn’t see the slightest hint he had enjoyed it as much as her there. Still she smiled at him, not letting her surprise and wonder about his reaction show. “Relieved?” she then asked, and he nodded, sitting down on the couch again; to her dismay, she noticed that a kept a small, but save distance to her. Not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable though, she didn’t move closer to him, and didn’t try to get intimate with him again; instead, she changed the topic by asking him if he wanted to cook something or order some food from a delivery service instead, and he gladly replied, obviously relieved that the moment of intimacy was over. Still there was something uncomfortable between them the rest of the evening; when Tarja kissed him goodbye as she had to leave, his kiss seemed different to the ones he usual shared with her, and she couldn’t stop wondering about all of this for the rest of the night, her mind circling about what had happened and why it had happened.

In the next days, Tarja didn’t try to get intimate with Tuomas again, remembering clearly what had happened the last time she had tried. To her big dismay, he didn’t try anything either; she always had been wishing a boyfriend who wouldn’t push her to make love, but now that she wanted it quite badly already, it bothered her that Tuomas seemed so disinterested in it. Still she let more days and evenings pass, hoping that Tuomas finally would dare to make the first step; when he didn’t, she finally decided that she needed to settle things two weeks after the embarrassing incident at his home. “Tuomas?” she thus spoke one calm evening in her house, making him look up from the plate with food she had prepared and at her. “Yes?” he then asked, causing her to swallow heavily before she spoke on. “I know this is quite an intimate thing to ask, but… well… Do you have erection problems?” The fork clattered against the plate as it fell out of Tuomas’ hand and he stared at her, obviously shocked about her question. “What?” he then brought out, shaking his head afterwards. “No! Why are you asking that?” Sighing, Tarja reached over the table and took his hand. “Look”, she then softly spoke, “I don’t want to rush things again, but… I’m just wondering why we’re not getting closer. We’re dating for two months now and all we did was some kissing. And last time I wanted to do more, you jumped up and went to the toilet… So I’m just wondering why you don’t seem to want it. Is it about me?” “Of course not”, Tuomas gave back, obviously shocked she could even think that. “Then what?” Tarja demanded to know, and he sighed as well, looking down on the table. “It’s about me”, he then muttered. “I… I don’t want to disgust you…” “Disgust me?” Tarja repeated in disbelief. “What do you mean, disgust me?” While she still spoke, she realized what he was talking about, and the expression in her eyes softened. “Oh, Tuomas… You’re scarred on your chest as well, right?” she softly spoke, and he nodded, his glance still focused on the table. “Chest and stomach”, he then mumbled, causing Tarja to get up and move around the table. She crouched down in front of him and took both of his hands into hers, making him look at her again. “I don’t care about this” she softly spoke, her thumbs caressing the back of his hands as she spoke on. “I love you, Tuomas, and it doesn’t matter to me… Just like this doesn’t matter.” With those words, she reached up with one hand, gently caressing his cheek, running her fingertips over the scars that roughened up the skin there. He sighed at her touch, closing his eyes momentarily; when she leaned up to him and kissed him, he gladly responded, letting out a small sigh when her hand moved from his cheek to his neck and caressed it gently as the kiss deepened. “There’s something I want to ask you”, Tarja whispered after the kiss, and he nodded, thinking that he knew what she would ask. What she did ask she hadn’t expected though, and he looked at her in surprise. “Would you draw me?” she asked, and for a moment, he wasn’t sure what to reply; then, he smiled and nodded. “Sure. Why not? A portrait?” Tarja shook her head, a slight blush colouring her cheeks now. “No. I thought about…” She leaned forward, and the words she whispered into his ear afterwards made his eyes widen. Staring at her, he seemed lost for a moment, then asked: “Are you sure?” Holding his gaze, Tarja nodded; he gulped, this was the first time he would do something like that. Still, he nodded; if this is what she wanted, he would do it for her. He would go through Hell for her if she asked him to, even though he never had told her he would. “Where?” he asked after a few moments of silence, and Tarja shrugged. “Wherever you want… On the couch, or on the bed…” “Bed is easer”, Tuomas spoke after considering the couch for a few moments, and the young woman agreed. They made their way over into the bedroom; while Tuomas got the soft pencil he wanted to use and his drawing pad from his bag, Tarja undressed, her clothes falling on the ground. She felt Tuomas’ gaze on her once she was naked, but didn’t mind it; she just smiled slightly to herself while she positioned herself on the bed. “Could you rest your head on your hand?” Tuomas suggested while he sat down on the chair he had readied. “Sure”, Tarja agreed, getting into the position Tuomas had suggested. He swallowed hard, then took in a deep breath, the pencil moving over the paper in the next second. His gaze was fixed on the drawing pad; from time to time he glanced up, studying the naked body of the woman in front of him. Tarja gave her best to hold as still as possible; the only sound in the bedroom was the noise the pencil created as it moved over the paper, and her slow, calm breathing. It remained like that for the next 20 minutes; then, Tuomas slowly lowered the pencil and looked at her. “I’m done”, he mumbled, making the young woman smile once more before she sat up on the bed. “Can I see?” she asked curiously, and Tuomas blushed again. “Don’t you want to get dressed again first?” he then asked back, making her shrug. “If you want me too…” she smiled, and his blush deepened. He didn’t comment about it though, and didn’t tell her to get dressed either; he just got up and moved over to the bed, sitting down next to her and handing her the drawing pad. She took it carefully, as if she feared it might break, and looked at the drawing Tuomas had made of her. Her breath got caught in her throat, and her eyes widened slightly. “Wow”, she finally managed to whisper, “that’s awesome…” Next to her, Tuomas smiled slightly, obviously happy she liked it. “Glad you like…” She looked at him, her eyes shining. “Like it? I love it!” she beamed. “Can I keep it?” “Sure”, Tuomas agreed. “I made it for you after all…” Tarja gave him another, bright smile, then surprised him by hugging him tight, ignoring the fact she was still naked. Tuomas swallowed heavily at feeling her naked body close to his, his eyes going wide at what she said next. “You know, I think it’s unfair I am here all naked and you are fully dressed…” He couldn’t imagine that she hinted what he thought, it was just too absurd – why would she, a woman like her, do this with someone like him. “Your clothes are over there…” He croaked out, trying to hide the lust in his voice. “I know”, Tarja whispered into his ear, “but I thought more about this…” With those words, she reached for his shirt, her fingers unbuttoning it slowly while sweat broke out on Tuomas’ forehead. “Tarja…” he started, only to have her silence him with a gentle, still passionate kiss. He responded to it immediately, feeling how a certain part of him came to life when her hands brushed the heated skin of his chest as she finished opening his shirt and took it off. She threw it on the ground, then gently made him lie down on his back; kneeling over him, she opened his belt and pants, pulling them off his legs and making them land on the ground as well. His boxers followed moments later, and not even a minute after Tarja had kissed him, he was just as naked as she was. Kissing him deeply again, the young woman ran her hands over his chest, feeling the smooth skin and the roughened scar tissue there; just when she asked herself though if he was afraid of touching her as well, she felt his hands on her back though, and pulled back from the kiss slightly. Smiling at him, she ran her hands down his chest and his stomach, placing them on his hips gently. “I want to be with you…” she then whispered into his ear, the only answer she got being the shaky breath he let out at her words. “I’m yours…” he finally managed to reply, and she smiled again before she rolled off him, ending up next to him. He go the hint and moved over her, kissing her again, his hands being on the travel now, moving over her body and heating her up more. She sighed into his mouth when he caressed her thighs, spreading her legs for him slightly. Moving further over her, Tuomas kept kissing and caressing her while his hardened private parts pressed against her thigh; the feeling made her lust only increase, and she knew that she wanted him inside her, needed him there now. “Have me…” she whispered into his ear after breaking the kiss, her voice shaking with barely hidden passion now. “Please…” Holding her gaze, Tuomas reached up to caress her face for a moment, then kissed her again; and while his tongue slid into her mouth, she felt his manhood slide inside her as well, the feeling making her arch her back and moan into his mouth. Entering her further, Tuomas let out soft moans as well; he hugged her tight when he slid into her fully, and she embraced him just as tightly when he started to move, caressing his back and hair while she buried her face in his neck. Her hot breaths on his sensitive skin there only turned him on more, and he moved a bit faster; she showed him her appreciation by moaning louder, digging her nails into the skin of his back. “Oh, God…” Her voice came muffled, but perfectly understandable, and her words sent another shiver down his spine. “Oh, God, Tuomas…” “I love you”, he replied, his voice shaking as his lust built up, the climax approaching. “How I love you, Tarja…” Her moans cut him off as he felt her tighten around him, knowing that she was close; the moment he felt and heard her reach the top, he let go as well, clenching his teeth and pressing out her name. He stiffened on her for a moment, then finally let out a heavy breath and collapsed on top of her while she panted heavily, still caressing his back and neck. “…wow…” she finally managed to whisper, and he raised his head slightly to smile at her while he pulled out of her. Smiling back at him, Tarja caressed his face with both hands, kissing him gently afterwards. He responded to the kiss lovingly, still not believing his luck when it came to her; then, she snuggled up to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Closing his eyes, Tuomas almost drifted off into sleep already, when she spoke up once more and regained his full attention. “I love you too, Tuomas…” Smiling, Tuomas kissed the top of her head as an answer, tightening his embrace around her; then, both drifted off into deep, peaceful sleep, remaining like that until the next morning dawned.

In the next morning, Tarja woke up when the sun shone into her face; she let out a small, happy sigh and rolled over, opening her eyes in dismay when she missed the feeling of Tuomas’ warm body beside her. She sat up in the bed and ran both hands through her hair, smiling to herself at the wonderful memory of the lovemaking with Tuomas; then she looked around the room, relieved to see that his pants still laid there, this meaning he hadn’t just left, something she hadn’t thought of him anyway. His shirt was nowhere to be seen though, and while Tarja still wondered where it was and what he exactly was doing, the door opened and he entered the room, smiling when she saw that she was awake. She smiled back at him while he made his way to the bed and placed the tray he was carrying on the nightstand. “Good morning, Sweetie”, he then smiled, sitting down on the bed and reaching over to caress her cheek. “Did you sleep well?” Nodding, Tarja sat up and kissed him gently, then peeked at the tray he had brought. “What did you make?” “Breakfast”, he smiled back, sitting down next to her. “I hope you like it”, he added while he reached for the plate of ham and eggs and brought a forkful of it to her mouth. “Here comes the plane…” Giggling, Tarja opened her mouth and allowed him to feed her the ham and eggs, licking her lips afterwards. “Delicious”, she then smiled, stealing another kiss from him. “Glad to hear”, Tuomas gave back, handing the plate and the fork to her before he filled the two cups he had brought with hot, strong coffee. “Thanks”, Tarja smiled when he had gotten done preparing the coffee just the way she liked it – a bit of milk and two spoons of sugar – and handed the cup to her, leaning back into the pillow before she took a sip of it. “Wow, breakfast in bed… That’s something I’ve always dreamed of, but never had it.” “It’s about time then”, Tuomas smiled, placing the plate of ham and eggs in his lap before he took a sip of his own coffee. “Indeed”, Tarja agreed, then moved closer to him and snuggled up to him. “Careful”, he smiled, “don’t throw over my food.” “Psh, you care about your food when you have a naked woman next to you?” Tarja teased, and he chuckled before he nodded. “Sure. After all, I have erection problems”, he then gave back, causing Tarja to giggle as well. “Oh, really? Didn’t notice anything of that last night…” she then whispered, reaching for the plate that rested in Tuomas’ lap as she spoke and putting it away. He watched her with a raised eyebrow, then let it happen that she took the coffee from him as well – before her hand moved to his crotch, massaging him gently. “Oh…” he brought out, gritting his teeth when her fingers gently moved over his balls. He took in a sharp breath when his little Tuomas came to life, and Tarja smirked at him. “That doesn’t look like a problem to me”, she then whispered, slowly licking his ear afterwards. “What exactly are you planning?” Tuomas gave back, his voice hoarse with fresh lust. “Guess”, was the only reply he got before Tarja kissed him deeply, pulling him into the paradise of love and lust once more.

“I can’t get up”, Tuomas panted out quite some time later, making Tarja sigh lazily next to him. “There’s no need to get up anyway”, she then pointed out. “Or do you plan to do anything?” Shaking his head, Tuomas brought up the strength to put one arm around her, then sighed heavily as well. “Nope… Be here with you and be lazy is all I wanna do”, he told her, making her smile before she rested her head on his shoulder. “I wish we could stay like that forever”, she sighed out, making him nod. “Yes, it’d be nice… But I have drawings to do, and you have kids to teach”, he then pointed out, making her nod in dismay. “I know, I know… But I don’t want to think about that now. I only wanna think about you”, she replied, kissing him gently once more afterwards and making him smile widely.

In the next day, Tuomas busied himself with drawing; from time to time, he stopped, remembering the awesome hours he had spent with Tarja the day before. After their nice breakfast and lovemaking in the morning, they had spent most of the day in bed, only getting up for bathroom visits and for food. In the evening, Tarja finally had taken him home; and now he sat in his living room, busy with his newest advertisement. From time to time, he glanced at the clock; he knew Tarjas lessons were over at three in the afternoon this day, and he wondered to himself if he should surprise her by picking her up from work. He never had done this before; he knew where she worked, and he knew when her working time ended, but he never had dared to go there before, a part of him still fearing Tarja might be ashamed for dating someone like him, even though his more rational part knew she was not. Finally making his decision, he rose from his seat, carefully placing his drawing pad and the pencil on the table before he made his way into the bedroom, putting on jeans and a button-up shirt there. Once he had gotten dressed, he checked the clock once more, satisfied to see that if he left now, he’d be there just in time. He quickly put on his shoes and jacket, then left his house, strolling down the street that would lead him to the school Tarja worked at. For the first time since his accident, he didn’t mind the stares of the people he passed, didn’t even notice them; all he could think about was Tarja and the way she would smile at him when she saw him. He smiled to himself at the thought, speeding his steps up a bit when he saw the school building up ahead. He slowed down a bit again when he saw Tarja stepping out of it; she apparently hadn’t noticed him, but just when he opened his mouth to call out to her, a young guy came out of the building as well and put his hand on her arm. Tuomas’ smile faded on his lips when he watched how Tarja turned around to the guy and laughed at something he had said, then hugged him shortly; he returned the hug before he kissed her cheek, grinning at her afterwards. Tuomas didn’t even notice he had stopped walking until now; Tarja still hadn’t seen him, her attention fully focused on the young guy in front of her. He’s her age, a nasty voice whispered in the back of Tuomas’ head, and he’s cute… Unlike you… Are you surprised? It was just a matter of time until she had enough of you and decided to get someone who fit better for her… By now, she had noticed him; she smiled at waved at him, but he didn’t smile back, he just mechanically trotted over to her, his thoughts circling around how close she seemed to be to this guy. “Hey, Tuomas!” Tarja greeted as soon as he was close enough to hear her, “how nice to see you. I didn’t know you wanted to pick me up today…” “It was supposed to be a surprise…” Tuomas mumbled in reply, and Tarja immediately noticed that something was bothering him. She decided not to ask him about this now, in front of her colleague; instead, she smiled and took his hand, then made a vague gesture at the young guy she had hugged before. “Tuomas, this is Janne, a colleague of mine. Janne, this is Tuomas, my boyfriend.” Janne eyed the young man closely, obviously surprised to see that Tarja was dating him, before he smiled and held his hand out to him. “Nice to meet you”, he spoke, and Tuomas muttered that it was his pleasure, taking the hand of the young man and shaking it. Worried about Tuomas’ behaviour now, Tarja said her goodbye to the young man and quickly walked off with her beloved, making sure that they were out of Jannes earshot before she spoke up. “Are you okay?” Tuomas glanced at her, and it shocked her to see the deep sadness in his eyes she had seen the first time she had met him, a sadness she had managed to push away since then. “You don’t have to do this, you know”, he now softly spoke, making her stop walking and look up at him. “Do what? Tuomas, what’s wrong?” she demanded to know, her concern growing and clenching her heart. It got even worse when he pulled his hand from her grasp, letting out a heavy sigh afterwards. “You don’t have to keep being with me if it doesn’t make you happy”, he then went on, looking down on the ground. “I’d understand if you’d want to date someone who fits better for you…” “What are you talking about?” Tarja demanded to know, shaking her head. “Who says I want to find someone else? You do make me happy, I’m happy with you and I love you, why would I want to find someone else?” Then, realization hit her, and she shook her head again. “You saw me hugging Janne, right? And how he kissed me? Is this why you are talking such… such stupid things?” He sighed heavily in reply, burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I’m sorry”, he then mumbled, “but… Tarja, I just can’t understand why you’d be with me if you could have any other guy you want… Just look at me…” As an answer, Tarja put both arms around his neck, making him look at her again. “I’m with you because I love you”, she softly spoke, “and I don’t care about those scars or about anything else. You’re such a wonderful and caring guy Tuomas, I wish you could see this too… You’re more than that.” With those words, she ran one hand over his cheek, causing a shiver to run down his spine. “I wish you’d see more than that when you look at yourself”, Tarja went on, her voice a low whisper by now. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes…” She fell silent, tears glistening in her eyes. “I love you”, she repeated, “I really do, and I don’t give a damn about those scars… Just stop worrying about this, please, or it will eat you up from inside and destroy you…” “I’m sorry”, Tuomas repeated helplessly, then suddenly freed his hands from his pockets and hugged her tight. “I love you too”, he whispered into her ear, his face buried in her long hair. “I’m just so scared that I might lose you…” “You won’t”, Tarja gave back, caressing his back gently. “You’ll never…” She pulled him back slightly so she could kiss him; he gladly responded to her kiss, feeling all the love and care she felt for him through it, and finally, he realized that what she had said was as true as it could be, that she loved him with all her heart, just like he loved her, and that nothing would be able to force them apart anymore.

End.

At the same time, a young woman sat in her living room, her eyes staring at the curly haired man opposite to her with disbelief and slight anger. “You didn’t even tell me, and now tell the whole world?” she asked, not knowing that a certain man had thought exactly the same in a country far away. Marcelo shrugged, obviously feeling uncomfortable. “I thought you had noticed”, he then mumbled, not able to hold the gaze of his wife. In all the years he knew her now, he never had seen her as angry as she was right now, not even when the shock about the letter had faded off. “Obviously I didn’t”, Tarja replied icily, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I’m sorry”, Marcelo sighed out, finally looking up and into her eyes, his gaze showing that he meant it. “But why does it make you so mad? Would it have changed anything if you had known?” She hesitated, just for a second, but long enough for him to notice it. “It would have, right?” Marcelo answered his own question for her while she gave him a helpless look, the anger fading from her green eyes. “How long, Tarja?” the curly haired man asked her now, looking at her surprisingly calm. She knew that it was no use to lie, and so, the young woman let her gaze fall down on the ground while she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t even know anymore. For a long time.” “And you never stopped, right?” Marcelo asked on, his voice still calm, but also showing a hint of sadness. “Marcelo, please don’t get me wrong, I…” Tarja started, but the Argentinean silenced her by raising his hand. “Don’t try to excuse for it, Tarja, you can’t help your feelings.” He smiled, a sad, almost bitter smile. “And I realize that they are true. I also realize when I am second best. I thought I had conquered your heart when I had this talk with Tuomas back then in the hotel room, but it seems like I was wrong there…” Tarja just looked back at him, torn between the longing she felt for the keyboarder and the sympathy that welled up inside her when she looked at her manager. He held her gaze for a few moments, then sighed and made a vague gesture at the door. “Get your stuff and go to him… I know that’s what you really want, and I want you to be happy. Even if you’re not with me then… I’ll make sure there’s a ticket waiting for you at the airport.” “Thank you.” Tarja whispered, getting up from her seat and hugging him tight for a moment. He returned her hug, and she could feel his heart race in his chest for a few seconds; then, she pulled back from the hug and, without looking back once more, left the living room. Moments later, Marcelo heard how she started to pack her most important things in the bedroom; he sighed to himself before he got out his cell phone and quickly called his mate at the airport. “I need a ticket to Finland.” He informed him as soon as he had answered the phone. “One person. And one way.” The guy on the other end of the line was smart enough not to comment this; he just confirmed the ticket and informed Marcelo that it was ready and waiting at the airport in twenty minutes. “Thanks, that’s just right”, the curly haired man sighed, then hung up the phone again. Just when he put it back into his pocket, Tarja appeared in the doorway, holding a packed suitcase that looked as full as if it might explode any moment. Marcelo raised an eyebrow at the sight, shaking his head. “28 years old and still packing like this”, he then joked, and the singer smiled at him, her gratitude showing in her smile. “I’ll never learn it”, she then gave back before a more serious expression filled her eyes. “Thanks again.” She softly spoke, holding his gaze with hers. “For everything.” Marcelo just nodded in reply, a big lump in his throat suddenly making him unable to speak. Tarja looked at him for a few more seconds, then turned without any word and left. He managed to control himself until he heard how the door fell close behind her; when he was fully sure that she was gone, he hung his head low and cried, knowing that now he had lost her.

While Tarja was on her way to the airport, Tuomas laid on his couch, the by now empty vodka bottle on the ground next to him. He had fallen asleep shortly after he had finished the last sips, the only sound in the house being his soft snoring now. He didn’t know that thousands of miles away, the woman he had loved secretly for such a long time was getting into an airplane right now; if he had known, he probably wouldn’t have cared either, not in the drunken state he currently was in. Letting out a weird sounding snore, Tuomas rolled over, ending up lying on his side with one of his hands hanging down to the floor; he snored on after a few moments of silence, his drunk and confused mind filling with scenes from the past.

“I was wondering if…” He was eighteen, he was blushing, and he was as nervous as he never had been before in his life. Still Tarja didn’t seem to mind, she just looked at him with her sweet smile, not knowing that this only made things worse for him. “If what?” she asked, her smile widening a bit when he spoke on. “If you would sing for my band…” And while he still waited for an answer, he was ageing, his hair growing longer and the wrinkles on his face getting a bit deeper. He was on stage now, behind his keyboards, playing through the solo of one of their songs, everything went perfectly until he heard the loud thudding sound Tarjas microphone produced when it hit the ground. He looked over in surprise and saw the guy on top of her, but before he could even move, their tour promoter had done so already and had gotten rid of the attacker. They finished the song, even though he couldn’t concentrate anymore, all his thoughts were focused on Tarja who was somewhere off stage now. He hurried backstage and saw her sitting on a chair, crying, his heart clenched up, and again he aged, suddenly with a newspaper in his hand, but his heart still was clenching, and Tarja still was crying. It was the newspaper from the day after her press conference, after the split, and after the letter that had taken away the smallest good feeling she had for him and had made her hate him.

A surprisingly loud thud echoed through the living room when Tuomas fell off the couch after he had moved a bit too wildly in his dream, the hard landing on the ground making him wake up. “Tarja…!” He barely noticed that he spoke her name while he sat up, his voice slurred, his eyes wide, but still glistening drunkenly. He swayed a bit after sitting up so fast, then reached for his head and groaned – the room seemed to spin around him. Trying to push the memories that the dream had brought up away, Tuomas slowly came to his feet, the spinning getting even worse for a moment. He grabbed the backrest of the couch for support, remaining in this position until he thought he could dare to walk; he still swayed from side to side as he made his way to the bedroom, falling down on the bed fully dressed. Only a few moments later, he was fast asleep again, a deep, dreamless sleep this time that let him get the rest he needed.

While Tuomas moved from his couch in his bed, Tarja was moving as well, even though there was no bed for her in sight – she was walking up the narrow gangway that was leading from the airport hall into her plane. Although she hadn’t even got into the plane yet, let alone was close to Finland, she was nervous; her heart was beating in her chest while she thought about how her meeting with Tuomas could be. She hadn’t spoken to him since the split, and the only occasions she had seen him had been when he had been in newspaper or in TV; and those occasions, she had avoided most of the time, it had hurt too much to look at him after everything that had happened. While she finally reached the end of the gangway and entered the plane, making her way to her seat, she let her mind wander, thinking about the past years and how it was possible that she never had noticed the feelings Tuomas had for her. She sighed to herself, he hadn’t exactly made it easy for her to notice anything. She remembered the countless times she had been alone in the hotel room while he was out with the other guys to party, and the few times when she had felt so lonely back then that she had cried, longing for someone, anyone, to be with her and to hold her; she remembered how he had looked at her for a moment when she had cried after the attack on stage in South America before he had turned and left, how much this had hurt, how much she had wanted a hug from someone, some comfort that none of the guys had given her. It had been Marcelo who had comforted her back then, even though he only had known her for a few days back then; Tuomas only had asked her later if she was okay, in a strange, distant tone, as if he didn’t even really care and just asked to be polite. How could he hide it so well? All those years? The young woman asked herself, looking out of the window deep in thought while the plane slowly started to roll, then took off. While the ground beneath it got smaller and smaller, Tarja finally sighed and reached for the newspaper that had been put into the small bag that was mounted to the back of the seat in front of her, eager to distract herself from her circling thoughts about Tuomas and his distant behaviour. To her own surprise, she did so fairly well; she concentrated on the newspaper as hard as she could, and managed to keep herself busy with the magazine and with sleeping until the plane finally landed on Helsinki Airport.

In the next morning, Tuomas awoke to the sound of birds chirping outside; he groaned and closed his eyes again the moment after the sunlight had shone into them, rolling over while he pulled the blanket over himself. His head hurt awfully, something that didn’t surprise him; his mouth was dry, and his stomach felt slightly queasy. “I won’t get close to any vodka bottle in the next weeks…” he mumbled to himself, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this. He remained in his curled up position underneath the blanket for a bit longer, then finally forced himself to get up and make his way into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he got out a bottle of mineral water and drank half of it down with a few big gulps, hoping that this would help with the awful thirst that was bothering him; when he was done with that, he put the bottle on the counter and moved over into the bathroom, getting into the shower there. The hot water that fell on his skin made the headache and the nausea vanish a bit, and he relaxed slightly, closing his eyes while the water washed part of his hangover away.

In a hotel room not far away from Tuomas’ house, Tarja stood in the shower as well, relaxing there just like he did. The flight had tired her out, as long flights always did; now all she wanted was to get some sleep before she would gather all her courage and go to Tuomas’ home. She sighed at the thought, wondering if it would be any good to go there. She had been sure that it was the best thing she could do when she left the house where she had lived with Marcelo, but now that she was here… She remembered once more how distant Tuomas always had been with her, then forced herself to shrug those thoughts off and concentrated on washing her hair. Soon, she was done and got out of the shower, rubbing herself dry with one of the big hotel towels; after she had dried herself, she laid down on the bed and closed her eyes, her thoughts circling around Tuomas and his behaviour towards her a bit more until she finally drifted off into sleep.

While Tarja was resting and sleeping in the hotel room, Tuomas got dressed after his shower, with the intention to go for a walk and clear his head a bit. He put on a light jacket, as the temperature wasn’t too low, and the sneakers he had bought a while ago, then left his house, digging his hands into the pockets of the jacket after he had locked the door. Slowly, he wandered away from his house and over to the road, turning right after a few moments of thinking where he should go. He wandered through the small town of Kitee, passing the hotel without having the slightest clue that Tarja was sleeping behind one of the windows. He didn’t even glance at the hotel for a second, just making his way past it and down the road. The fresh air helped to clear his head a bit, like he had hoped it would, and he let out a small sigh while he walked on, keeping a slow pace. His head still ached a bit, but that didn’t surprise him, not after the vodka he had poured into himself the night before. To his relief, there was no one else but him on the street; most inhabitants of the small town were at work, and the ones who didn’t have a job probably still were sleeping. Tuomas didn’t really feel like running into a fan who would question him about the answer Marcelo had posted; he knew that he would be confronted with it sooner or later, but he hoped it wouldn’t happen anytime soon. Stifling another sigh, Tuomas pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and walked on, soon reaching the outskirts of Kitee and then the part of it where no more houses stood. He stopped for a moment, wondering to himself if he should walk on here or turn around; then, he made his decision and continued his walk, letting his thoughts wander once more.

After a few hours of surprisingly deep sleep, Tarja awoke to the sound of a car honking outside; she opened her eyes and groaned, slowly sitting up on the bed. Running both hands through her tousled hair, Tarja cursed herself for going to sleep with her hair wet; now, it felt as if it was curling into all possible directions, and when she got up and walked into the bathroom, she saw in the mirror that it didn’t just feel that way. She sighed and grabbed her brush, working on her hair for a while until it looked more or less normal again; then, she put on fresh clothes before she walked over to the window, looking out of it. She wondered if she should go to Tuomas’ place now and have the talk with him she desired so much ever since she had read what he had said to Marcelo almost two years ago; after a few moments of being insecure about it, the singer made her decision and walked over to the door, leaving the hotel room. Only a few minutes later, she stepped out on the street; just when she wanted to turn and walk into the direction of Tuomas’ house, an all too well known voice came up behind her, filled with disbelief. “Tarja?”

Slowly, Tarja turned around, her heart hammering in her chest. It almost stopped beating for a painful moment when she found herself looking at Tuomas, who only stood a few meters away from her. He seemed to be just as surprised to see her here like she was about him, if not even more. “What are you doing here?” he now asked, obviously starting to feel uncomfortable. The moment of surprise was gone; Tarja could almost see how he built up the walls around himself again, the same walls that had kept them distant when they still had been in the same band. The expression on his face changed, and only a few seconds after she had turned to look into his surprised eyes, she now was staring at his disinterested expression, the one she knew so well. And suddenly, hot and bright anger welled up inside her, and she had to hold herself back so she wouldn’t jump and strangle him. “I came here to talk”, she replied, her anger clearly showing through her voice. It seemed to be another surprise for Tuomas; for a moment, the mask he had put on to hide his feelings seemed to slip, and his eyes widened a bit before he regained his composure and forced his emotionless face back on. “There’s nothing to talk. Everything has been said”, he gave back, hoping that the singer would just give up now and leave. It didn’t surprise him when she didn’t, instead of giving up, the anger she felt only seemed to get bigger, he could see it growing in her eyes. “There’s nothing to talk?!” she repeated, glaring daggers at him. “How can you say this after what I just had to find out? Something I had to find out through a question a fan asked my husband over the internet, because you didn’t have the guts to tell me?” “The guts to tell you what?” Tuomas replied, slowly getting nervous; he knew where this was leading, and he didn’t like that direction. “You know damn well what I am talking about, so don’t try to win time with such stupid questions”, Tarja snapped back, and he almost took a step back in reaction – he never had seen her react to something like this, not in all the years he had known her. At a loss for a words, he just looked at her in silence for a moment; the silence was broken when Tarja spoke up again. “So? Do you still think there is nothing we should talk about?” His throat felt too tight to reply verbally, and so, he just nodded his head, causing the flame of anger that burned inside Tarja to reach unknown heights. She couldn’t think of a moment in her life when she had been as angry as she was right now, and before she fully realized what she intended to do, she had stepped forward and had pulled back her arm. Her flat hand met Tuomas’ cheek so hard that his head got thrown aside, the sound of the slap echoing through the street; while his cheek reddened already, he stared at her in shock, his eyes wide. “You goddamn coward.” Tarja now whispered, her anger gone suddenly, only to be replaced by a sadness so deep that it almost hurt her physically. “I wish I had never come here…” With those words, she turned around and hurried back into the hotel, blinking her eyes quickly to hold back her tears. Tuomas remained where he was, staring after her; his cheek was still stinging from the force of the hit, and it felt as if it was swelling as well, but he didn’t even notice it fully. The pain that was tearing his heart apart was too big to let him feel anything else.

The moment Tarja slammed the hotel room door close behind herself, she burst into tears, leaning against the door while hot tears streamed down her cheeks. She slid down the door until she sat on the ground, burying her face in her hands, her racked sobs shaking her fragile body. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to come here… Stupid enough to think he had changed… Slowly, she came to her feet again, still crying; she only took the few steps over to the bed and let herself fall on it, burying her face in the pillow and sobbing heavily. Her sobs were so loud that at first, she didn’t even hear the soft knock coming from her door; only when the person outside knocked a bit harder, the noise reached Tarjas ears, and she looked up, wiping her tears away. “Who’s there?” she then called out, hoping that her tears couldn’t be heard through her voice too much, but of course this hope was in vain – everyone, even someone who didn’t know her, would have figured out that she was crying. “It’s me”, Tuomas’ voice came from the other side of the door, sounding somehow strange. “Go away”, Tarja gave back immediately, fresh tars welling up in her eyes. “I don’t want to see you…” Outside on the hallway, Tuomas’ shoulders slumped at hearing this, and he closed his eyes for a moment, cursing himself for his behaviour. “I’m sorry”, he then spoke to the door, hoping that Tarja was listening to him. “Please Tarja, open the door…” “Go away”, Tarja repeated as a reply, sniffling again. “You had your chance to talk”, she then added, “and you said there’s nothing to talk about… So leave me alone…” “I’m sorry”, Tuomas repeated, feeling awfully helpless. “I’ll be down in the hotel lobby”, he spoke on after a few moments of silence. “I know I don’t deserve it, Tarja, but… If you want to give me another chance…” He waited for a few minutes, the only sound that came from the hotel room being the soft, muffled sobs of the singer, sounds that made his heart ache. Finally, he turned and walked down the hallway again; like he had said, he made his way into the lobby and sat down there, starting to wait and see if Tarja would come to talk to him.

He sat there for almost an hour, trying to read one of the magazines that laid around, with not much success though. His nervousness made him long for a cigarette, but he didn’t dare to go out and have one; too big was his fear that Tarja might come down just then and think that he had left after all. The minutes ticked by slowly, and with every one of them that passed, the keyboarder felt sadder and sadder; his heartache grew until he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, and he felt tears well up in his eyes. He sighed to himself, knowing that he had messed it up once more, and finally rose from his seat, convinced that Tarja wouldn’t come to talk to him once more. With his head hanging low, the young man made his way to the exit door of the hotel; just when he put his hand on it to push it open though, Tarjas voice came from behind. “Wait.” Freezing in his movement, Tuomas remained with his hand resting on the wooden door for a few seconds, until he finally found the courage he needed to turn around and look at her. His heart ached at the sight of her bloodshot eyes and the drying tears on her cheeks, and he cursed himself for being the way he was. Just like so often in his life, he was at a loss for words; all he could do was look at her, and she held his gaze in silence for a while, a silence that was making him more than nervous. When she finally spoke up, Tuomas almost let out a sigh of relief. “So you are willing to talk now?” The sound of her voice, sad and at the same time cold, made his heart sink again, but still he forced himself to nod. “Okay”, Tarja gave back, making a vague gesture at the hotel hallway. “Not here. Let’s get up in my room.” Nodding again, Tuomas followed her after she had turned around and walked back to the elevator; they both got into it, the ride up to the floor where Tarjas room was locating happening in uncomfortable silence. The singer avoided it to look at the man next to her; she stared down on the ground of the elevator, hearing her heart beating in her chest at high pace. The calm composure she had forced on herself before she had left her room to get Tuomas was hard to keep, but she gave her best not to let it slip – she didn’t want to burst into tears in front of the keyboarder, it was worse enough that he had heard her cry through the hotel room door. Finally, after what seemed like an uncomfortable eternity, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. Both Tarja and Tuomas got out of it and made their way over to Tarjas room; she unlocked the door, and the two entered. Tarja took a seat on the bed while Tuomas sat down on the small couch that stood in the room, and again, uncomfortable silence filled the air between them. Just like down in the lobby, it was Tarja who broke it at last. “So why you never told me?” Tuomas shrugged weakly, looking down on his feet; he never had felt as helpless as he did right now. “I don’t know.” He then mumbled. “I guess I was afraid you could tell me off…” Tarja sighed, giving him a miserable glance. “Why did you never care for me?” she then softly asked, making him look up at her slowly. “Why did you leave me alone so often? And why did you just turn and walk off after this guy attacked me on stage? If you felt this way for me, why did you never at least show me, if you couldn’t tell me?” “I didn’t know how to handle it!” Tuomas burst out in reply, suddenly sounding desperate. “I didn’t know what to do after this guy attacked you… How to comfort you… I felt so helpless when I saw you cry. Please believe me, Tarja, all I wanted to do back then was to help you… to make you feel better… but…” “All I would have needed was a hug and some comfort!” Tarja snapped, interrupting him. “And you couldn’t give this to me? Why? I can tell you why, because you are a huge coward, Tuomas. You say you loved me, but instead of telling me or showing me, you rather ignored me the best you could. Do you have any idea about how I felt when I was alone in the hotel rooms because you guys rather partied? You all knew I couldn’t party too much, you knew what it would do to my voice, but still you thought it all necessary to party every day. Would it have been too much to at least spend one evening with me, and without getting smashed?” “How should we have known that it was so horrible for you?” Tuomas gave back, now getting defensive as well. “You never told us!” “Seems like I was stupid enough to think you guys would get the idea of spending some time with me without any need to beg for it”, Tarja replied icily, and Tuomas gritted his teeth for a moment, feeling hot anger well up inside him all of a sudden. “Did you come here just for this? To get into a fight with me about things that are long in the past?” he asked, his anger clearly showing through his voice. “I came here to talk about everything that happened between us”, Tarja gave back, once more suppressing the urge to jump up and strangle him. It got harder to suppress this wish when Tuomas suddenly jumped up and paced through the room, glaring at her. “Right now, we are not talking, all you do is accuse me”, he then stated, and Tarja got up from her seat as well, returning his glare. “I’m just trying to get some explanations from you!” she exploded, making him roll his eyes. “Should I ask for some explanations then too?” he asked back, the arrogant tone Tarja had learned to hate in the last years with Nightwish slowly appearing in his tone. “You ask me why I never seemed to care for you, Tarja, but did you ever care for me? When I wanted to end everything with the band after the Wishmaster tour, it was not you who comforted me!” “I was in Germany at that time!” Tarja almost yelled, her anger burning up high again. “What did you expect me to do, jump into a plane and come here to hug you or something?” “You jumped into a plane to go to Argentina and hug Marcelo!” Tuomas replied, and now he was yelling. “Do you think I had a chance to get close to you anymore after you met him?!” “Oh, now you are blaming him again, as always!” Tarja screamed back. “This is what you do every time something doesn’t work the way you want it to, you blame someone else! Very good job, Tuomas, very adult behaviour!” “Don’t scream at me!” Tuomas yelled in reply to this, his face reddening, but he only heated Tarjas anger more with his behaviour. “Don’t scream at me either!” the singer shouted back, clenching her fists. “Why don’t you just go back to your husband and leave me be here!” Tuomas snapped, ignoring what she had said, his voice still loud. “Maybe that’s what I should do, since you are still too much of a coward to finally speak to me about what you feel!” Tarja gave angrily, her anger slowly fading though, deep sadness replacing it. “You’re right”, she spoke on after a few moments of silence, now not yelling anymore. “I should go back and forget about you… It was stupid of me to think you would be able to talk to me now, after all those years you weren’t…” She sighed and gave him a sad glance, suddenly feeling as if she would burst into tears again any second. “I just wanted to clear things between us, Tuomas… You did mean something to me all those years, even you don’t believe this… And it hurts to know that what we had is over now…” The tears finally filled her eyes, and she quickly turned her back on him before he would see her cry. He stood motionless while she did so, her sudden change of behaviour touching something deep inside him. “You better leave now”, the singer now whispered, her tears clearly audible through her voice. “I don’t think there’s anything else we should talk about…” “I’m sorry.” The sound of his voice made her turn around, and she was shocked to see that he was crying as well, the tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry I can’t get over myself and treat you like this.” He spoke on, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry I couldn’t show you that I care for you all those years, and that I couldn’t tell you that I love you.” He swallowed hard, looking down on the ground. “I wanted to tell you, I really did. But… I never brought up the courage to do so… And then you met Marcelo… And after you got married, he had this talk with me. He told me I should get off of you and stop trying to get you, and that I had had enough chances without using them. He’s right about that…” He let out a sigh, wiping off his tears with a shaking hand before he looked at her again. “I wish I could turn back time and change everything”, he whispered, the sad and pained expression in his eyes making the singers heart clench. “I wish I could do something that wouldn’t make me lose you…” “You didn’t lose me.” Tarja gave back, taking a slow, hesitating step closer to him. “I just wish you would have told me all of this earlier…” And with those words, she closed the distance between them and put her arms around him, holding him close. He let out a racked sob and returned the hug, burying his face in her shoulder. Squeezing her eyes shut, Tarja tried to keep the fresh tears inside; she didn’t want to spill any more, she had cried enough for a day. “I’m sorry”, Tuomas repeated into the fabric of her blouse, his voice still shaking. “I’m so sorry, Tarja… I didn’t want to hurt you and to make you cry…” “Don’t think about it now”, Tarja replied, caressing his back. “Let’s just forget this, ok? Let’s start over…” Nodding, Tuomas finally pulled back and looked at her, smiling weakly. Tarja returned his smile, then the two sat down again, now both feeling much calmer. “So what Marcelo wrote there was true?” the singer asked, making Tuomas nod. “Yes, it was. It’s not exactly what I said, but I guess that’s not important…” “I can’t believe he never told me”, Tarja mumbled, more to herself than to Tuomas. The keyboarder shrugged in reply. “He probably was afraid you’d run off to here… And that’s exactly what you did when you found out”, he then said, smiling slightly. Tarja smiled back and nodded, then suddenly made a vague gesture at the door. “I could need some fresh air after all this yelling and crying. What do you think?” Nodding, Tuomas rose from his seat, and together, they left the hotel room. The drive down to the ground floor with the elevator happened in silence again, both hanging after their own thoughts. Only a few minutes after they had left the hotel room, Tarja and Tuomas stood outside on the street, breathing the fresh air. “Any special place where you want to go?” Tarja shook her head. “No. Do you have any place in mind?” Tuomas declined as well, and the two stood lost for a moment; then, they decided that they would go left and did so, soon walking down the street next to each other. There was silence again; after walking for some time without speaking a word, Tuomas finally opened his mouth. “So… Does this change anything?” “Does what change what?” Tarja asked back, she knew what he was talking about, but she wasn’t willing to let him get away so easily. Just like she had expected it, he hesitated for a few moments, then looked away from her and down on his feet as he replied. “My confession. Does it… does it change anything?” For a moment, Tarja considered to ask him which confession he meant, but then decided that this probably would be too much for him. “I don’t know.” She honestly replied, letting out a small sigh afterwards. “When I came here, I was filled with hope that maybe… We could be friends again… or maybe even more. That’s why I left Argentina and came here, and that’s why I left Marcelo too… But I didn’t think about it much. If I had, I probably wouldn’t have come here… And I’m not sure if the hopes I had when I got into the plane in Buenos Aires can be fulfilled…” With those words, she fell silent and looked at him again. “What do you think?” she then softly asked. Tuomas held her gaze this time, but he obviously didn’t know what to reply; he just looked at her in silence. Just when Tarja was sure that he would slip back behind his walls of self-protection again though, he spoke up. “I was hoping we could be more than friends in all the years I knew you, Tarja. Even though I was always too much of a coward to tell you so.” He sighed, looking away from her face again and down the street. “If you still… want to be more than a friend to me…” he then continued, his voice showing how hard this was for him, “I’d gladly be everything you want me to be.” Tarja smiled, his words warming up her heart. “Be my lover then”, she softly whispered, and the smile that broke out on Tuomas’ face at hearing this made all the tears and pain she had gone through before be worth it. He just nodded in silence before he hugged her and pulled her close; for a moment, Tarja was sure he would kiss her, and she was almost disappointment when he didn’t, but just held her close. Still she returned his hug, asking herself if she should dare to make the first step about the kiss, not being aware of the fact that Tuomas wondered about exactly the same thing. They both made their decision at the same time, both pulling back slightly from the hug and looking at each other; there were no words needed, everything that needed to be told they could read in the eyes of the other one. Moving simultaneously, the two leaned in, and moments later, their lips met in their first, gentle kiss. And when they pulled apart again a sweet eternity later, again no words were needed; they just smiled at each other and took a hold of each others hands before they continued their walk, knowing that now, they didn’t just walk down the street, but also away from their painful past and into a new, happy future.

End.

The car came to a stop close to her only ten minutes later, the back doors opened and two ambulance men jumped out of it. They rushed over to Tarja and the man on the ground, carefully turning him on his back – and giving the young woman a full sight of his bruised and bloodied face – before they lifted him on the stretcher they had brought. “Do you want to ride with us?” one of the ambulance men asked her as soon as the unconscious guy had been put into the car. “Are you his girlfriend?” Tarja shook her head, looking over the shoulder of the ambulance man in front of her and into the car where the second paramedic was taking care of the man. “No, I don’t even know him… I just found him here… But if you want me to come along…” She trailed off, making the guy in front of her nod. “Yes, please… It seems that he was beaten up, and police might want to contact you sooner or later… So your data should be recorded at the hospital.” Tarja nodded and got into the ambulance car as well; the two men closed the backdoors and told the driver up in the front that they were ready to go, and only moments later, the car sped off into the night.

“Tarja Turunen”, Tarja said half an hour later, when a nurse was writing down her personal data for possible questions police could have. “Birthday August 17th, and I live in…” she told her address to the nurse, then gave her a slightly helpless look. “Do you still need anything else?” The nurse shook her head, smiling at Tarja. “No, thank you. I don’t know if police might want to ask you about all of this, but I doubt it – you just found him after all.” Tarja nodded, then a thought hit her. “Do you know anything about him by now? His name or something?” The nurse nodded, smiling at her again. “Yes, we found out his name at last, he had a wallet in his pocket. It’s Tuomas Holopainen.” Tarja thanked her, then told the nurse that she would go home now, since she wasn’t needed anymore. The nurse wished her a nice evening in reply; after returning the wish, Tarja left the hospital and finally got home.

In the next day, she found herself thinking about the young man she had found out on the street constantly; she wondered how he felt now, if he was okay and if he would be allowed to leave hospital soon. For some reason, she couldn’t forget how he had laid on the dark and dirty street, obviously beaten up by someone; the strange thing about this though was that he still had had his wallet with him, so he hadn’t been attacked for money. While Tarja sat at home at her desk, trying to study for an upcoming exam at university, she finally realized that she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about this man as long as her questions hadn’t been answered; after another useless try to concentrate on her books, she finally gave up and closed them. Getting up from her chair, she put on her jacket and her shoes, leaving her apartment moments later and making her way to the hospital.

“Sorry”, Tarja spoke half an hour later, looking at the receptionist. “I’m here for Tuomas Holopainen, can you tell me where I find him?” The guy nodded and typed into his computer, then looked up at her and smiled. “Room 47. Go to the first floor, and when you get out of the elevator, turn left.” “Thank you”, Tarja smiled, then slowly made her way to the elevator. While it took her up to the first floor, she wondered what she would say to the man she had found, if he would like her, if she would like him… The elevator doors opened and she got out, turning to the left like the receptionist had said. Soon, she found the room he had told her and knocked the door gently. There was no response, but after waiting for a few moments, Tarja opened the door anyway and poked her head in. Tuomas laid in the white hospital bed, his eyes closed; his head was bandaged, the index finger of his left hand was bandaged thickly as well, showing that it probably had been broken. Tarja couldn’t tell if there were more bandages and casts on him, since the rest of his body was hidden underneath the blanket; she slowly stepped closer to the bed, softly speaking his name. “Mr Holopainen?” There was no reaction, and Tarja wondered for a moment if he was unconscious; then, she followed a strange impulse and reached out, gently touching his shoulder. He opened his eyes only a moment later, looking at her in surprise; she gave him a smile, for a second wondering why he hadn’t reacted to her speaking to him. “Hi”, she now said, “I’m Tarja Turunen… I found you out on the street yesterday and called the ambulance, and just wanted to see how…” Without saying a word, Tuomas raised his hand and made her fall silent. She watched how he leaned over to his the small table that stood next to the bed and opened one of the drawers; when he pulled out a notepad and a biro, one of her eyebrows wandered up. Still she let him write something on it, her second eyebrow joining the first one up there when he held the pad out to her afterwards. “Speak slower please.” He had written, without giving a reason though. “Gladly, but… Why?” she asked curiously, making him pull the notepad back and scribble on it again. This time it took him a bit longer, but finally, he held it to her again. “I’m deaf-mute. I can read lips, but only if you’re not speaking too fast.” “Oh”, Tarja replied when she had finished reading, looking at him shocked. “I… I’m sorry… I didn’t know…” Tuomas made a vague gesture with his free hand at that, smiling at her, then started to write again. “It’s ok, nothing to be sorry for. I got your name right I guess – if it’s Tarja Turunen -, but not the rest. Would you mind to repeat it?” Tarja smiled back at him and shook her head, then told him that he had gotten her name right and that it had been her who had found him and who had called an ambulance. “Thanks”, Tuomas wrote as soon as she had gotten done. “for helping me like that. And thanks for visiting me too.” Tarja gave him another smile at that, pulling the chair that stood next to the bed closer to herself and sitting down on it. “Nothing to thank me for”, she then replied. “I hope you don’t mind me staying for a while…” At this Tuomas shook his head, giving her a bright smile. When she saw this smile, Tarja thought to herself a few weeks later, a small part of her already had fallen in love with him, but right in this moment, she didn’t realize it. “I’m glad to have some company”, Tuomas now wrote, “I was pretty bored already.” At this, Tarja giggled, leaning back into her seat comfortably. “You know”, she then said, “maybe it’s inappropriate to ask this, since I barely know you, but… Do you know why you were attacked? They didn’t steal your wallet or anything…” At this, Tuomas’ chest rose and fall heavily for a moment, and Tarja realized that, if he had had a voice, he would have let out a sigh now. Then, he started to write on his notepad again, holding it out to her a short time later. “I got attacked by two guys. I guess they didn’t like that I’m deaf-mute or something.” “Oh my God”, Tarja spoke, obviously shocked about this. “Tuomas, this is horrible! You mean they just beat you up because you’re deaf-mute? Because you’re different?” Tuomas smiled weakly and shrugged, then nodded. “Seems so”, he then wrote on his notepad, showing it to Tarja before he added more. “It’s not important though, they didn’t hurt me badly and my wallet is still there too.” Tarja giggled again at that, surprised about how Tuomas could take this attack so lightly – then, she realized that he probably had faced lots of attacks in his life and had gotten more or less used to it. Even though she just knew him for such a short time now, not even a full hour, the thought of what he maybe had been through in his life already pained her, and at the same time, she admired him for his ability to take it easy and still smile despite all those things that might have been done to him. Tuomas regained her attention when he held the notepad out to her again. Tarja smiled when she saw what he had written on it: “Lost in thoughts?”, with a smiling face underneath. She nodded and looked at him apologetically. “Sorry. That’s not really polite…” Tuomas wrote in his notepad again, the only sound in the room being the scribbling of his biro on the paper for a few moments, then held it out to her again. “Don’t worry, I can deal with that.” Tarja smiled, then gave him a somehow worried look. “Isn’t it tiring for you to write everything down?” A shrug was the reply, followed by the biro moving over the paper again. “Not really, I got used to it. Plus, I don’t have much choice – most people who aren’t deaf-mute don’t know the sign language.” Tarja realized that he was right; she knew what sign language was, but never had found it necessary to busy herself more with it, since all the people she knew could speak and listen. Now, she somehow regretted this, since it would have made things easier for Tuomas and her; on the other hand, how could she have known that she would meet a man who would fascinated her like this even though he was deaf-mute? Then, she realized how much she reduced him in her own thoughts and felt ashamed for a moment, asking herself why Tuomas should be less fascinating than anyone else just because of his handicap. She got torn out of her thoughts roughly when the door to Tuomas’ room opened and a nurse poked her head in, smiling at Tuomas. “Lunch is here”, she then spoke, pushing a small cart into the room, making weird gestures into the air with her other, free hand. “Hope you like it.” She stopped the cart next to the bed and picked up the tray that stood on it, placing it on the nightstand next to Tuomas bed. He smiled at her and raised his right hand to his chin, then moving it away from there in a fast gesture. The nurse smiled back and left the room again while Tarja looked at him curiously. “I guess I know what the signs she made towards you meant, but what did the one you did mean?” Tuomas smiled at her interest and reached for his pad again, writing down on it before he handed it to her. “It meant Thank you.” “Oh, I see…” Tarja mumbled, then looked at him thoughtfully. “How did it go?” she asked before she repeated his gesture as good as she could. “Like this?” Tuomas smiled and gave her a thumbs-up in reply, and she chuckled slightly. “Do you know when you will be allowed to go home?” she then asked, and he wrote on his notepad again in reply. “Not exactly. The doctor said it could take about a week, but if the wounds heal up fine, it might be earlier.” “I see…” Tarja mumbled, then checked her watch and let out a little sigh. “I’m sorry, but I really have to go now.” Tuomas nodded, showing that he understood; somehow, he even was surprised that she had stayed that long already. “Enjoy your lunch”, Tarja smiled at him while she rose from her chair. “And…” She fell silent, swallowing before she spoke on. “And would you mind if… I came again tomorrow?” Tuomas smiled and shook his head in reply, then wrote on his notepad again. “Not at all, Tarja. You’re great company, I’d be glad to see you again.” Tarja smiled widely, obviously happy about this. “Ok then”, she then said. “I’ll come tomorrow afternoon, alright?” Tuomas smiled and nodded, and she gave him one last smile before she put on her jacket and left the hospital, soon being on her way home.

While Tuomas ate his lunch, he thought about Tarja constantly. It had surprised him that she had came to visit him after she had found him out on the street the night before, but what surprised him even more was that she had stayed for such a long time. Normally, an hour wasn’t long for staying if you visited someone in the hospital, but considering the fact she didn’t know him at all… He smiled to himself when he remembered how she had given her best to speak slowly and with clear pronunciation after he had told her about his handicap, and how she immediately had tried to imitate the sign for Thank you after he had told her. The smile on his face widened slightly when he realized that he looked forward to meeting her again in the next day; he finished his lunch and laid back in his pillow to rest a bit, soon drifting off into sleep, his thoughts still circling around the young woman who had visited him this day.

At the same time, Tarja sat in her apartment, looking down on the book she had bought only ten minutes ago, wondering if it had been the right thing to do – if it would pay the way she imagined it to. Slowly, she opened the book, knowing that she should learn for university, but this interested her much more at the moment. She read what the book said about sign language on the first page, that it was easy to learn and that all that was needed was a pair of healthy hands; then, after this short prologue, the first signs already were printed, showing how to say Yes and No, as well as Please, Thank you and You’re welcome. Tarja read with great interested, trying to imitate the signs exactly as they had been printed in the book, smiling to herself every time she managed to get a gesture right.

In the next day, Tuomas just had gotten done with his lunch when the door opened and Tarja poked her head, smiling at him widely. She waved at him as a hello, then entered the room and sat down next to his bed. “I brought you something”, she then said, again making sure she was speaking slowly and pronounced the words clearly. “Look”, with that, she reached into her handbag and got out the book she had bought, handing it to Tuomas. He took it in surprise, looking from the cover of the book up at Tarja. “Just to make sure you don’t get bored again”, she smiled, making him smile as well. “I hope you like those kind of books”, she then added, and he nodded, placing the thriller she had brought on the nightstand and reaching for his notepad again. “Thanks a lot”, he wrote smiling widely at Tarja again afterwards. “It wouldn’t have been necessary though.” Tarja just waved this small objection aside, then reached into her bag again and pulled out the book she had bought and read the evening before. “And this I bought as well…” she informed him, blushing slightly again, for one moment wondering what Tuomas would think about this. He took the book and looked at it for quite some time in silence, then he opened it and leaved through it, from time to time frowning, then nodding again. Finally, he gave it back to Tarja, smiling again, before he wrote on his notepad once more. “I’m impressed. This wouldn’t have been necessary as well, but thanks a lot that you’re willing to try and learn this.” “Nothing to thank me for”, Tarja replied, smiling at him again. “It will make things much easier for you… If I manage to learn it properly and not mess up…” At this, Tuomas nodded and suddenly sat up in the bed, putting the pillow up so it was supporting him. “Show me what you tried so far”, he then wrote on the notepad, and Tarja nodded, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. She showed him the signs she had tried the evening before, the basic ones like Yes, No and so on. When she showed Tuomas the gesture for Goodbye, he suddenly raised his hand and made her stop her movements in mid-air. He smiled and reached out for her hands, gently moving them a bit closer to each other, then adjusted her fingers into the right position. For some reason, his touch sent a shiver down her spine, and she wondered if he had noticed when he pulled back and wrote on his notepad again. “Other than that little mistake during the Goodbye, you did great.” Tarja smiled widely at reading that, then spoke up again. “Thank you. I already was afraid I would totally mess it up.” “NAH!” Tuomas wrote in big letters, then underlined the “you did great” he had written before to empathize it. Tarja giggled heartily at seeing this, then smiled at him warmly, folding her hands in her lap again. “Well, I know whom I can ask if I’m not sure about a gesture”, she then winked, making Tuomas nod with a broad grin on his face. “I’ll gladly teach you”, he then wrote on his notepad. “This way, we can talk in public and most people won’t notice when we are making fun of them.” At this, Tarja burst into laughter, and Tuomas chuckled as well, even though his chuckle couldn’t be heard; it only showed during the wide grin on his face and the slight shaking of his body, but still, the sight of it made Tarja happier than anything else she ever had seen before in her life.

This time, Tarja stayed for almost four hours, until it slowly started to get dark outside. She looked out of the window in surprise when she noticed this, then at her watch, shocked at how fast the time had passed. Glancing at Tuomas, she gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, but I have to go now.” She said, making Tuomas nod in reply. “Have a nice evening”, he then wrote; he hesitated for a moment before he showed the notepad to her, and Tarja wondered if there had been anything else he had wanted to write. He looked at her for a few moments, then took in a deep breath and wrote on the notepad again. Tarjas heart warmed itself up when she read what he had written. “Will you come back tomorrow?” To her surprise the last word was written a bit messier than the other ones, showing that his hand had been shaking slightly; somehow, it touched her in the bottom of her soul, and all she could do was smile at him and nod. “Sure”, she then whispered, reaching out and touching his healthy hand for a moment. “See you tomorrow.” She made the sign for Goodbye to him, this time getting it right; he smiled at her and gave her a thumbs up, and when she left, she wasn’t sure if it had just been for the gesture or also about the fact that she would come back.

Just when Tarja arrived at home, her phone rang, and she hurried to unlocked her apartment door and get inside before the caller hung up. Cursing when she dropped her keys, Tarja picked them up and kicked the door close before she rushed over to the phone and jerked up the receiver, holding to her ear. “Hello?” she panted, making the person on the other end of the line chuckle. “Hey Tarja, did I interrupt something?” Emppu then asked, and she rolled her eyes. “No, I just came home and hurried to get to the phone before whoever was calling hung up. If I had known that it’s you, I wouldn’t have hurried so much though”, she then teased him, making him let out a hurt “Awwww” before he chuckled again. “I haven’t heard a word from you at all during the last two days”, he then said, “I already was worried. How are things going over there?” Tarja sighed happily in reply and sat down on the ground next to the phone, playing with its chord while she replied. “Well, a lot is going on actually…” She told Emppu how she had found a man in a side alley when she had gone home from his place, and how she had visited this man the last two days and had gotten to like him. “Wow, now that sounds romantic”, Emppu said as soon as he got done. “And he’s deaf-mute, you said? Isn’t it hard to communicate with him?” Tarja smiled and declined. “No… He can read my lips if I speak slowly and clearly, and he writes on a small notepad to tell me what he wants to say… I also bought a book to learn the sign language, I hope it will help. He said I did well though with the first things I learned.” “Aww, that’s so romantic indeed” Emppu gushed, sounding like an old woman who watched a corny movie on TV. “Learning sign language for him! Wow.” Tarja giggled at that, running one hand through her hair. “He’s a really nice and cute guy”, she then said. “Maybe you can meet him when he gets out of hospital.” “Sure”, Emppu replied, then teased her “Of course I want to meet the guy who stole little Tarjas heart.” “He didn’t steal my heart!” Tarja protested, only to make Emppu chuckle in reply. “Sure he didn’t”, he then said, “that’s not why you talk about him the way you do…” “I talk about him normally”, Tarja demanded, the only reply she got was another chuckle and a sarcastic “Sure”. Tarja rolled her eyes and told Emppu that he was an idiot before they changed the topic and talked about Emppus day until they finally said goodbye and hung up. After she had done so, Tarja looked at the phone in silence for a while, asking herself if Emppu had been right with what he had said after all. He didn’t steal my heart, did he? I mean, I like him and all, but… She sighed to herself, realizing that those thinking marathons would get her nowhere. Making her way away from the phone, Tarja walked over into her living room, sitting down there and getting out the book about sign language again.

During the next days, Tarja visited Tuomas in the hospital regularly, spending hours with him every day. Her progress with the sign language was surprisingly fast; she still had her troubles with the more complicated gestures and long sentences, but she could communicate with Tuomas in a rough, basic way, like someone who just had started learning another language could communicate with people who had been speaking it for years. To make sure that everything he said with his hands would be understood, Tuomas always wrote everything on the notepad afterwards, repeating gestures Tarja hadn’t understood until she managed them as well, this way teaching her better than the book she had bought ever could have. One week after Tarja had found him on the street, Tuomas was allowed to leave hospital and go home; this made Tarja happy, although it filled her with slight nervousness as well. She didn’t know how her friends would react to Tuomas, and to the fact that he was deaf-mute; during the week he had spent in hospital, Tarja had grown to like the young man a lot, and the thought that maybe her friends wouldn’t like or accept him due to his handicap made her heart clench up. She knew that she probably thought much worse about her friends than necessary, but she had seen how people who claimed to be open and tolerant changed their opinion as soon as their tolerance was really needed. She was so sunken in her thoughts that day that Tuomas had to reach out and tap her shoulder to get her attention, making her flinch before she looked at him. “Oh, sorry”, she then said, her hands accompanying her words with the appurtenant gestures without her even fully noticing anymore. “I was lost in my thoughts for a moment.” “I noticed”, Tuomas signed, smiling at her. “Mind if I ask what you were thinking about?” Tarja returned her smile, not sure if she should tell him; then, she let out a small sigh and decided to be honest with him. “I was thinking about… how my friends might react to you. You know, they always say that they open and tolerant towards everything, but… I’m afraid that they are only when it’s easy to talk and that they won’t be when they meet you…” Tuomas nodded, a serious gaze in his eyes, showing that he understood her worries. “I really don’t want to get between your friends and you”, he then replied, Tarja following the movements of his hands as if her eyes were glued to them, “but I am sure it will work out fine. And I’m glad you want me to meet them, this shows you are not ashamed of me.” Tarja looked at him shocked at seeing that. “Did you think I am?” she then asked, staring at him. “If I ever made you think I am, I’m sorry…” Tuomas shook his head quickly, giving her a smile. “No, don’t worry. It’s only that… experience showed that some people are. I never thought you could be, but… You never know.” He gave her a sly smile, and suddenly, Tarja felt like bursting into tears; she felt as sorry for him as she never had felt for anyone before, trying to imagine what it had to be like if someone was ashamed of having her as a friend, but failing miserably. “I’m sorry to hear this”, she croaked out, glad that Tuomas couldn’t hear how close she was to tears. She had underestimated his knowledge about mimic and body language though, and so it came that only moments after she had pressed out those two words, Tuomas had moved closer to her and slowly put his arms around her. He looked into her eyes deeply, then reached up with one hand to caress her cheek, his gaze telling her more than words ever could have. Smiling weakly, Tarja returned his hug and leaned her head on his shoulder; for a moment it struck her weird that he was comforting her now, even though it was him who had been hurt so often in his life already, then she shrugged it off and just enjoyed the feeling of his arms around her and his fingers caressing her hair and back, realizing in the back of her mind that she never had felt as comfortable and protected as she did in this moment.

Later this day, Tuomas was allowed to leave hospital after the doctor had checked on him one final time, telling him that all his wounds were healing up fine afterwards. The broken index finger of his left hand had to stay bandaged for another two weeks until the bone had healed, but everything else was almost gone, the only trace that remained of the attack being a small scar right underneath Tuomas’ hair line. Tarja smiled at him widely as soon as the doctor had left again, happy for him that he was allowed to go home now. “I can drive you home if you want”, she signed, making him smile as well and nod. He got out of the bed and packed up the few things he had at the hospital, then made his way out of his room and down the hall with Tarja by his side. She led him out of the hospital and over to her car, both of them getting inside before Tuomas wrote down his address for Tarja and handed the piece of paper to her. She smiled at him and thanked him, then started the engine and drove off, towards the part of town where Tuomas lived.

Forty minutes later, Tarja parked her car in front of the house Tuomas had his apartment in, and both got out of it. “Want to come up with me and have a coffee or something?” Tuomas signed at her, making her nod and smile at him – she had wondered during the whole drive if he would ask her that, and if she could dare to ask him if he wouldn’t. She was more than glad now that he had taken this dilemma away from her by asking, and now, both entered the house, getting over to the elevator. They made their way up into the second floor where Tuomas had his apartment; as soon as they stood in front of the door, he unlocked it and let her enter first, smiling at her again. As soon as both were inside, they took off their shoes and coats, then Tuomas led Tarja over into the living room and made a vague gesture at the couch, signaling her that she should sit down. She did so, and he wrote on his notepad again. “Tea or coffee?” “Some tea would be nice”, Tarja replied, only speaking the word tea out loud though and signing the rest. Tuomas smiled and showed her the gestures for tea and coffee, giving her a thumbs up again after she had repeated them before he vanished in the kitchen. While he rummaged around there, Tarja let her eyes wander through his living room, looking at the pictures that hung on the walls and the huge shelf filled with books. She rose from her seat and made her way to the shelf, looking at the various novels and specialized books Tuomas had there. She pulled some of them out to look at them more closely, then Tuomas came back from the kitchen, carrying a tray with two cups and a pot of tea on it, as well as sugar and a little bottle of lemon juice. She smiled at him and sat down again, then pointed at the book shelf while he filled the two cups with hot, fragrant tea. She waited until he was done with that and looked at her, then said “That’s a nice collection of books you have there.” “Thanks”, Tuomas signed, returning her smile brightly before he handed one of the teacups to her. She took it, thanking him, and had a sip of the tea, awing at its taste afterwards. “Wow, this is really good”, she said while she carefully put the cup down on the small table in front of her. “You know, normally I would ask for your phone number now”, Tarja then said after a few moments of silence, “but I guess this wouldn’t make much sense…” Tuomas chuckled and nodded, then reached for his notepad again. “Have internet access? Or, better said, an email address?” Tarja nodded and smiled widely when she realized that this was the best way to contact Tuomas. He smiled back and wrote down his address, then tore the piece of paper off and handed it to Tarja. She snatched the notepad from his hands and wrote down her own email, giving it back to Tuomas afterwards. “Thanks”, he signed at her again, making her smile once more while she replied “You’re welcome”. The two drank their tea in silence for a while, then Tarja spoke up again. “You know, I really should thank you for teaching me how to sign so fast… I don’t think anyone could have taught me as good as you.” Tuomas gave her a surprised look at that, then shrugged and smiled. “I’m glad you wanted to learn it”, he then replied. “This is the first time someone learned it because of me. I should thank you for that.” “Really?” Tarja asked in surprise, making him nod. She smiled and leaned closer to him, softly speaking “There is nothing to thank me for”, before she kissed his cheek gently. Even though her lips just brushed against his cheek lightly for a few seconds, so soft that they barely touched his skin, Tuomas’ heart started to race in his chest while he looked at her in surprise. She smiled at him, then asked “What’s the sign for Kiss?” For a few more moments, all Tuomas did was look at her for some longer; then, he suddenly put his hands on her cheeks and gently caressed her for a second before he leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips. Surprised, Tarja didn’t respond to the kiss at first; then, she regained her senses and closed to her eyes, kissing the young man as gently and careful as he had started to kiss her. After a while, the two pulled apart again, looking at each other, both smiling slightly. “Thanks for showing me…” Tarja then whispered, giggling slightly afterwards. Tuomas chuckled as well, then grabbed his notepad and wrote on it. “Well, I wouldn’t show it like that to any woman. Actually, it goes like this”, he showed the notepad, then the gesture to her, before he grinned and wrote more. “I just thought this way would be cuter.” Tarja giggled again at reading that, then waved her finger at Tuomas in a mock scolding manner. “I hope you don’t show other ladies this cuter way too.” She then said, making Tuomas smile and shake his head. “You’re the only lady I show this to”, he then wrote, making her smile as well before she let out a small sigh and snuggled up to him, resting her head on his shoulder. He put his arms around her and held her close; they remained like that, kissing from time to time, until it got dark outside and Tarja had to go home.

Tuomas took her down to the car when it was time for her to go, kissing her before she got into it and drove off. She smiled at him and promised to write him an email the moment she came home; he just smiled back at nodded, then signed that he couldn’t wait. Tarja giggled and hugged him, holding him close and kissing him once more. “I guess I better get moving then”, she smiled at him after the kiss. “So you don’t have to wait for too long.” Tuomas smiled back and pulled her close once more, then finally let go of her. She kissed him one last time before she climbed into the car and started the engine; while she drove off, she could see Tuomas in the rearview mirror who watched her driving until she got out of sight before he returned into the house.

Tarja kept her promise; right after she had came home and had taken off her shoes and jacket, she sat down at her computer and wrote an email to the address Tuomas had given her.

Hello my Dearest,

As I promised you, an email the moment I came home… I’m away from you for not even an hour and miss you already. I can’t wait to see you again. I guess my friends still want to meet you, so maybe we should organize something? Tell me what you think.

With love

Tarja

She clicked “Send” and smiled when the screen notified her that the email had been sent, then left her computer turned on while she went to get something to eat. Just when she bit into the sandwich she had prepared, her phone rang, making her jump. She nearly chocked on her sandwich when she rushed over to the phone and picked up the receiver. “Hello?” “Hey Tarja, it’s me” Emppus voice came, making her smile. “Hey Emppu… You will never know what happened!” she immediately burst out, making him chuckle. “Let me guess, Tuomas and you became a couple?” Tarja was speechless for a moment, then asked bewildered “How do you know?” Emppu laughed out loud at that. “Come on”, he then said, “the way you gushed about him after you got to know him said all. It was just a matter of time.” Tarja huffed, pretending to be offended. “And here I am, thinking I will tell you a great surprise…” she then said. “Awww, sorry for ruining it.” Emppu replied, she could hear the grin in his voice. “So is he out of hospital already?” he then asked. “Or did you get together there?” “No, he’s at home”, Tarja replied, her eyes getting a dreamy expression when she thought about Tuomas and how they had kissed on his couch. “Good”, Emppu now said, tearing her out of her daydream about kissing her newfound beloved, “that means I can meet him soon.” “Yeah”, Tarja smiled, just when her computer played off the little jingle that announced a new email. “Oh wait, he sent me an email…” She quickly spoke into the phone, making her way to the computer with the receiver penned between her ear and shoulder. She clicked on the mail to open it, reading what Tuomas had written.

Hello Darling,

I hope you at least took off your coat and shoes before you mailed me. I miss you too, I wish you were here now and we could cuddle some more. I’m fine with meeting your friends, just tell me when and where and I’ll be there.

Love you

Tuomas

“Awww he wrote he loves me!” Tarja gushed into the phone, making Emppu chuckle. “How cute”, he then said. “So how about that meeting?” Tarja told him what Tuomas had written about meeting her friends, and after a little discussion, they decided that they would meet in a small bar at Saturday evening. Tarja promised him to call him if something changed about that plan, then said her goodbye and hung up before she sat down at her computer, writing a reply to Tuomas’ email.

My Dearest,

Emppu (a friend of mine) and I settled a date for small meeting, next Saturday in the La Traviata bar. What do you think? Is this ok for you? It’d be sweet if we could see each other before that…

Love you too

Tarja

She sent the mail, then busied herself with eating her sandwich until Tuomas’ reply popped up in her mailbox. Hurrying over, she read what he had written – that he was ok with the meeting and that he wanted to see her earlier as well -, then wrote back that she looked forward to seeing him again. She finished her mail with a goodnight wish, then turned off her computer and went to have a shower before she finally made her way into her bedroom, falling asleep only shortly after she had gotten into bed.

The days until Saturday passed fast; Tarja and Tuomas met twice until then, and if they didn’t see each other, they wrote emails. Tarja still was slightly nervous about how her friends would react to Tuomas; she knew that Emppu would be fine with it, but she could never know about the others. Finally, Saturday had come; Tuomas arrived at Tarjas home at four in the afternoon, since the two had wanted to meet before the settled time in the bar. He hugged and kissed her hello the moment she opened the door, making her smile widely. “I hope you brought your notepad”, she then signed, making him grin and nod. The two made their way into the living room where they sat down, spending the time they still had with cuddling, kissing and – more or less – talking about how the last days had been. Finally, it was time to leave; Tarja gulped to herself while she put on her shoes and jacket and left her apartment with Tuomas, hoping and praying that everything would turn out fine.

One hour after the two had arrived at the bar, Tarja knew that all her worries had been for nothing. Emppu immediately had greeted Tuomas by hugging him tight and patting his back, only to warn him that he would bash in his teeth if he dared to hurt Tarja, all of this was a broad grin on his face. The reactions of her friends were not much different to the way Emppu had reacted; they seemed to accept Tuomas immediately, talking to him slowly and clearly and showing patience when he wrote on his notepad as an answer. They admired the skills Tarja had gained in sign language and asked Tuomas and her to show them some easy things; a few hours after they had arrived there, it seemed to Tarja as if Tuomas always had been part of their group. She barely could believe her luck, and while she smiled widely and moved closer to Tuomas so he could put his arm around her shoulders, she knew how happy she could be to have friends like that. And when she kissed Tuomas gently a few moments later, she realized another thing; she never had loved someone in her life as much as she loved Tuomas, and the fact that he returned her love just as strong and committed filled her with a kind of happiness she never had felt before in her life.

End.